So Very Dope.

If you like "I Can Read" Kali-Ma-style, check out Spacesick's site for many more superfresh film inspired book cover designs, including pure awesomeness such as Ghostbusters, Back To The Future, and Caddyshack. I really really need these to somehow actually exist.

What... Uh... Huh? Whatever. @#$% It.

Grant Morrison is not a storyteller. Storytellers write comprehensible tales with beginnings, middles, and ends... sometimes even climaxes. Grant Morrison just pukes ideas into a word processor and lets them fall in whatever order they come out of his brain. Therefore, please enjoy the following review of Final Crisis as Grant Morrison himself would have written it: Pure thought diarrhea.

Flex Mentallo 2.0 plus his JLA Darkseid story mashed together with the faintest sprinkle of All-Star Superman. Superman Beyond was only absolutely necessary and nothing makes sense without it. Wait, something makes sense with it? Why not just call it a 9-part series? Or Make Superman Beyond 3 parts. Of course, more than likely, nothing that happened in this mess will actually have any effect on the DCU continuity, especially since the Deus Ex Machina that brought it to an end was Superman simply wishing everything back into existence. As if the story isn't confusing enough, he can't even make things happen in the order they happen. It's just a jumble of snapshots throughout time. Mandrakk the vampire watcher, I mean monitor, is doing what exactly? Captain Carrot. Batman is now a caveman who crashed in Superman's rocket at the beginning of time. More interesting than Secret Invasion, or just more offensive? Started off intriguing... Libra? Was there a point? Apparently Hawkman is dead and Aquaman is back. Who knows? They both happened in one panel. What happens when evil wins? Norman Osborn, whoops, Lex Luthor saves the day. It's like the story you would make up with your action figures as a kid, but you wanted to use toys from different lines so you made up dumb reasons why they were all in the same universe and different sizes. The whole theme of this is that it's a commentary on the power of storytelling. Why not tell an actual story? (D)

At Last... A President Who Understands The Unifying Power Of Booze

Knowing that there isn't a moment to spare in kick-starting the U.S. economy, Barack Obama has turned to the surest form of social lubrication. In order to help get lawmakers on the side of his proposed stimulus package, Obama has invited several key Republicans and Democrats to the White House for a cocktail party. No word on what will be on tap for the event, but I'm guessing it won't be the PBR he had on the campaign trail to out-blue-collar Hillary. No word yet on why this is considered an actual new story. Clearly, I just posted it so I could show a picture of Obama with a beer.

Can A Not Terrible X-Men Cartoon Exist?

Wolverine And The X-men premiered on Nicktoons last week and is actually showing some promise. The character design is a vast improvement from the ugtastic 90's show and fairly consistent with the comic books, as opposed to the not-another-teen toon Evolution versions. The show also avoids the 90's pitfall of trying to throw a whole bunch of classic X-men plots in a blender and push puree. It's set in its own continuity and isn't beholding to convoluted histories. It has a past that hasn't been written yet and a limitless cast of characters from which to draw. Rockslide and Dust are in the first episode for pete's sake. The action direction leaves a little to be desired but seems like it could find itself eventually, though it may never match that of Spectacular Spider-Man. Only time will tell if the Logan-centric series can hold up as more and more mutants are crammed into it, but at least it's off to an acceptable start, looking more JLU than Morph & Jubilee's Variety Hour.

If You Want To Live, You Will Not Watch This Turd

There is no plausible reality in which this movie could be good, nor is there any plausible sense of reality in this movie. The villain is an all-too-obvious Hal 9000 rip-off that lives in a bee-hive underground and can basically do ANYTHING, except anything an actual functional computer does, i.e. use logic whatsoever. A computer is based on pure logic, yet Sexy-Voice-Hal's plan is the most ridiculously convoluted, unnecessary, and inefficient assassination plot ever conceived. The computer wants to take out the president because his bad decision led to the death of fifty or so American citizens, yet her plan to kill him would murder hundreds more, including innocent children. How is that logical? We are to believe this computer can do all of the ridiculous things it orchestrates in the movie, but that it cannot kill the POTUS without involving an entire concert hall full of people and an elementary school band kid's trumpet. This is a computer that can inexplicably take down power lines from thousands of miles away. Seriously, WTF? It's not like the couplings on the electrical towers are connected through the intertubes. Basically, it can control any piece of machinery and 'splode anything it wants, although we later find out it cannot access a convenience store security camera because it's not in its network. Why can't it just blow up the president's laptop or crash Air Force One? There is not one single piece of this disaster of a movie that makes any sense whatsoever. The action is all incomprehensible and unnecessary. Even Rosario Dawson's earth-shattering hotness is misused. A crime alone worth destroying all evidence of this film's horrid existence. (F)

So This Is A T-Shirt Now

Not quite sure whether this is awesome or not awesome (the shirt, not the obviously awesome photo), but 8103's Jordan shirts are unquestionably dope.

Can't Decide Between Silicone Sound Or Teet Beat

Dope mannequin speaker system by Bob Turek. Bass you truly want in your face. (Found on Boing Boing.)

Inaugurated

Peace Out

I May Actually Have To Buy Some LeBrons

They're no Jordan Fusion 3s, but the Zoom LeBron VI Los Angeles Editions are pretty fresh.

Stringer Bell Brings The Game To The Office

That's right, Idris Elba has been cast to appear in six episodes of NBC's "The Office". Apparently he will be some sort of rival to Steve Carell before taking a round in the chest from a Muslim in a bow-tie and a gay man with a shotgun.

Dope

Jay-Z + Radiohead = Jaydiohead

The Best Things Ever From 2008

2008 is officially over and it was quite the year, clocking in at an entire 365 days! There was a lot of not so great in those days, especially if you were a governor or had a 401k, but there were also some bright shining rays of delicious, delicious sun as well. Here's some of the brightest and most appetizing... or at least the ones I can remember off the top of my head.


Sports
There wasn't really too much winning to be happy for in '08, but there was some losing worth celebrating. The three douchiest teams in all of sports suffered humiliation this past year.


3. The Yankees failed to make the playoffs in their legendary stadium's final season.
2. Satan's Lakers were crushed in the finals by the Celtics. (Not that the Celtics are a squad you should ever root for.)
1. The New England Douchebags squandered a perfect regular season by choking on a fat one in the Super Bowl.


Toys
2008 was a good year for the kid in you and a bad one for the kid in your wallet.


3. The Lego Indiana Jones video game was one positive to come from the worst man made disaster in history.
2. Mighty Muggs finally sold me with Mola Ram and Galactus.
1. Super Hero Squad continued to be adorably awesome.


Comics
This year saw a lot of overblown hype and crappy crossovers, but also some more than solid contributions to comic lore.


3. Brubaker and Fraction's Fabled Iron Fist run sadly came to its conclusion.
2. Ditto for Morisson and Quietly's All Star Superman.
1. Brubaker's Captain America continued to make creamy goodness in underoos everywhere.


TV
There wasn't too much to get excited about on the major networks, but coaxial cable delivered some fine programming.


3. Venture Bros. Season 3 was a long awaited return to glory and nozzles.
2. The Colbert Report and The Daily Show provided the finest election coverage a human being or whatever the hell alien Gorlock is could ask for.
1. The Wire series finale ended the all-time greatest run of episodic television.


Movies
Clearly, this was the year of the comic book movie and Robert Downey.


3. Tropic Thunder made my booty sweat and nut bust.
2. Iron Man made me happy to be alive.
1. Dark Knight would have made me cry if I wasn't such a badass.


Music
Pretty unfortunate that in a year with new Roots, Common, and Kanye albums that there's no hip-hop in the top three.


3. Santogold and Diplo's Top Ranking was a mixtape masterpiece.
2. Raphael Saadiq's The Way I See It was a feel-good fantasy.
1. TV On The Radio's Dear Science was purely priceless.


General Awesomeness
And now for the most important not-exactly-pop-culture events of 2008.


3. Jordan Fusion 3's making feet awesomer than ever.
2. The further infiltration of craft beers in American society and the canned beer revolution.
1. iPhone II changing life as we know it.


And of course, the very best thing from 2008...


'Nuff said.