Filthy McNasty's World of Dirty

Lagunitas Wilco Tango Foxtrot

2010-07-21T16:52:00.000-07:00

"A Malty Robust Jobless Recovery Ale" is a pretty accurate description of this one. Lagunitas classifies this velvety, deep and dark brew as an imperial brown, which isn't a style you see around too often. It's got a piney scent with a raisiny, malty, brown sugary taste and has a nice bite to the apple and hops tinged finish. It's something like a sweeter, prunier Newcastle with a splash more booze and hops. It's probably not the type of girl you'd usually date, but she's fairly unique and generous enough where it matters to give her a whirl. (B+)

Ninkasi Tricerahops Double IPA

2010-07-16T11:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what Ninkasi, the ancient Sumerian goddess of beer would think of this one. When hops is in the name of a beer, especially a west coast beer, it gives the intrepid drinker a certain set of expectations that, when not lived up to, leave one with a limp sense of satisfaction, no matter what other qualities the brew may posses. When checking around the web, people seem to think the Tricerahops is super hoppy, so perhaps I got a bad bottle or they changed the recipe, because this should be called Maltasaurus instead. Don't get me wrong, it's not terrible, it's just not a Double IPA. It's more something like a strongish amber or one of the fruitier midwest IPAs. It has very little hop aroma and a pruney, earthy, low alcohol taste with an almost strawberry finish. It pours darker than you would think and fills your mouth with a bready, caramel mouthful of confusion. If you're in the mood for a fairly tasty malt bomb, this is a solid B+ and much better than their also overambitiously named Total Domination IPA. It may not be all that shabby of a beer, it just doesn't live up to the billing. Kind of like hooking up with a Seinfeld style Russian gymnast. (B-)

Stone 14th Anniversary Emperial IPA

2010-07-14T13:54:00.001-07:00

Stone's 14th is their version of an old school English IPA and uses all British ingredients in its creation. But don't get it twisted, it still belongs with the San Diego brewery's line of left coast hop bombs. It's a crisp and citrusy way to cut the summer sun with a dry bitter bite that's more refreshing than harsh. It's peppery, yeasty and slightly fruity flavors mask the almost 9% ABV well. If it's English, it seems to have lost its accent and picked up some sass, not that I'm complaining. You're basically getting a slightly stuffy British chick that moved to Southern California and started modeling her new life after a Katy Perry song... but in a good way. (A-)

Caldera Rauch Ür Bock

2010-07-13T12:48:00.000-07:00

This autumnal treat brings a burst of porky smoke to your palette. it's surprisingly light for a beer that puts a campfire in your mouth, and in truth could probably use a little more meat on its bones to match that in its flavor. It has a thin head atop its thin but creamy body and a brown sugary sweetness that balances the woody smoke, creating the sensation of caramel covered burnt bacon... but a light appetizer version of caramel covered burnt bacon. Overall, it's a delightful taste of October to accompany your next sensual sleeping bag session with a girl that's unique enough to almost be exactly what you want if she just had a little bit more "substance". (B+)

Reed Richards' Crotch Wants A Closer Look...

2009-07-31T13:34:00.000-07:00

It Was Only A Matter Of Time...

2009-06-04T16:14:00.001-07:00

Mobile Organism Designed Only for Kuteness. (Although this really should have been one of the big ones and come paired with a bucket-head AIM scientist.)

Resetting...

2009-06-02T15:13:00.000-07:00

Seven

2009-05-01T11:13:00.001-07:00

Let's Hope Karma Has Our Back Tonight

2009-04-30T11:56:00.000-07:00

Just to recap, Rajon "Bitchmove" Rondo slugs Brad Miller in the mouth, knocks him so silly he can't hit his game tying free throws, and doesn't get a flagrant called. Meanwhile, in Orlando, Dwight Howard swings a dainty elbow that barely brushes Samuel Dalembert and gets suspended a game. I better see Aaron Gray take a tire iron to Rondo in the top of the second.

So This Exists Now

2009-04-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

That's right, ESPN finally recognized and gave Chicago its own homepage.

Looks Like Whiskey To Me

2009-04-14T15:19:00.000-07:00

New Bears QB, Jay Cutler doing his best Kyle Orton.

Dye And Konerko Play Dueling 300's

2009-04-14T12:52:00.001-07:00

Both Jermaine Dye and Paul Konerko hit their 300th home runs yesterday in a 10-6 win over the Detroit Tigers. Not only did they reach the milestone in the same game, but in consecutive at bats, with Konerko following up Dye's second inning dinger with one of his own. The game also saw the loss of Dewayne Wise to a separated shoulder. Jerry Owens will take his place in center, but if things don't work out, the Sox resigned legendary hot-wife-haver Scott Podsednik to a minor-league deal as insurance.

Neckbeard No More

2009-04-02T16:05:00.000-07:00

The Kyle Orton era is over in Chicago. The Bears traded him and two first round picks today for Denver's even dopier looking and overrated QB, Jay Cutler. No word yet on Cutler's whiskey of choice, but I'm guessing Early Times.

Colbert

2009-03-27T14:46:00.001-07:00

By Me.

Who Watches The Hostess Fruit Pies?

2009-03-11T14:33:00.000-07:00

Presidential Trouble by Elan’ Rodger Trinidad

New Avengers #50, Now Featuring Three Panels Of Girl On Girl Strap-On Action

2009-02-25T14:16:00.000-08:00

By the way, just once, it would be nice if Bendis could end a giant fight without some ridiculous and contrived deus ex machina that has no right to work, and even if it did, would have been used before the fight even started, saving everyone a whole lot of hassle.

Cut

2009-02-23T16:01:00.000-08:00

Well, that was fun while it lasted.

In Case You Forgot, Kobe Bryant Is An @$$hole

2009-02-20T22:31:00.000-08:00

Must be nice when every referee in the NBA wants to suck your @#$%.

Drake's Denogginizer

2009-02-20T15:20:00.001-08:00

A quick whiff of a freshly poured glass of this Imperial IPA will fill your nose with dew coated grass and a cool tropical breeze. Its color is solid amber and it holds a creamy white head that leads the way to an easy drinking yet flavorful brew. It's more reminiscent of a barleywine than an IPA and its blend of fruitiness gives it a significantly east coast vibe. The taste doesn't quite live up to the initial smell that seems to disguise a light malty funkiness. Another helping of hops would definitely serve this beer well, as in true Drake's tradition it slightly misses the bulls-eye. It feels like a fairly decent NYC chick transplanted to LA who falls into the unfortunate trap of the latest hipster fashions and dampens what hotness she has with stretch pants, skinny headbands, and slotted sunglasses. I mean, you'd totally still do her, but not quite as enthusiastically as you'd like. She probably won't notice though, cuz you totally remind her of that dude from MGMT. (B+)

Ashton Kutcher To Learn The Mechanics Of Whiskey Chugging And Neck Beards

2009-02-20T12:55:00.001-08:00

That's right, Ashton Kutcher is set to star in a movie about a superstar NFL quarterback who switches bodies with a geeky twelve-year-old and will be learning the basics of QB-ing from none other than Chicago's finest, Kyle Orton. At the very least, Kyle will be able to give some pointers on having out-of-body experiences. Meanwhile, Rex Grossman will be advising Kutcher on how to behave like a twelve-year-old. It's all in the hands.

Guess It's A Good Thing The Bulls Didn't Get Amare

2009-02-20T12:25:00.001-08:00

Just days after the Phoenix Suns decided not to trade him, it looks like Amare Stoudemire will miss the rest of the season anyway, after undergoing surgery to repair a detached retina. I bet Shaq is super happy that trade to the LeBrons didn't happen either. The Suns aren't the only team that will be missing a big man to start the second half, as Kevin Garnett could be out up to four weeks with a knee injury. Good thing I have tickets to that Celtic-Clipper game next week.

The Swapping Of The Weird Beards

2009-02-19T12:18:00.000-08:00

With the Suns smartly deciding to hold on to Amare Stoudemire, the Chicago Bulls have settled for one of the other big men on the trade market and re-acquired Brad "Corn Rows" Miller from the Sacremento Kings along with breakout scoring machine John Salmons. The Bulls had to part with the never-living-up-to-his-potential Drew Gooden and his expiring contract as well as firey fan favorite Andres Nocioni. The move should be an upgrade if Miller can stay healthy and Salmons can get close to the playing time he now expects. Today's trade of Larry Hughes to the Knicks should help in that department. Chicago will also get to enjoy the services / cutting of Jerome "Garbage Man" James and old friend Tim Thomas who played about six minutes for the Bulls last time he was on the team. Most importantly, Chicago should have plenty of money for the 2010 free agent extravaganza and may land Amare or Chris Bosh after all.

Untitled Valentine

2009-02-18T15:37:00.001-08:00

By Me

46 Years Of Greatness

2009-02-17T16:47:00.000-08:00

Mini Murray

2009-02-16T13:55:00.001-08:00

The Ghostbuster toy revolution continues. Also, t he one Lego Indiana Jones set that may be worth $80.

A Message Defintiely NOT From Akinyele

2009-02-10T16:07:00.000-08:00

Yikes!

2009-02-10T16:04:00.000-08:00

Ice Age street mural by Edgar Mueller.

Ok, This Is Pretty Great Too

2009-02-06T15:12:00.000-08:00

Stantz and Spud here. Of course, they make us wait for Venkman.

The Greatest Thing I'll See Today

2009-02-06T11:56:00.001-08:00

The Iron Fist Super Hero Squad figure was finally revealed today at the NYCC. Also spotted were Bullseye, Bishop, Deathlok, Blob, Havok, X-23, and a whack Mr. Sinister. Moonknight, Nova, and Tigra are supposedly on the way as well. Purrr. Check here for pics. If that's not enough, peep this hot like fire Spidey & His Amazing Friends 3-pack for the MU line. Wow. I am a nerd. At least I'm a sexy nerd.

And In News From The World Of Awesome...

2009-02-04T16:06:00.001-08:00

Soon, these will not be the only Ghostbusters figures you can reenact the twinkie scene with. Word has it Mattel is set to launch both a 12 and 6-inch line of actual movie-inspired GB toys... i.e. you will finally be able to own a for-reals Bill Murray action figure. Okay, can you breathe again? Good. Distribution is unclear at this point, but look for them to start showing up on eBay in the late summer.

That's More Like It Guy

2009-02-03T13:50:00.000-08:00

With RocknRolla, Guy Ritchie finally returns to the genre he's unfortunately been trying to avoid: The Guy Ritchie Ridiculous Gangster Movie. While not quite as highly stylized as Snatch and Lock Stock, RockNRolla has the good old sprawling plot and absurdly deep cast of comical London street thugs we've come to love and expect from him. Thankfully, he's gotten back to the basics and done away with the contrived psychodrama of Revolver in exchange for the fun, violence, and cockney posturing of his original films. It's a mostly new cast this time around, with Gerard Butler and Stringer Bell stepping in for Jason Statham and Vinnie Jones. The additions of Jeremy Piven and Ludacris seem a bit unnecessary, as do their characters, but unnecessary characters are what Guy Ritchie movies are all about. While RocknRolla doesn't seem to have the freshness of Lock Stock or the over-the-top style of Snatch, it remains a ride worth riding and the promise of a sequel is one worth keeping. (B)

Which Is Cooler?

2009-02-03T11:48:00.000-08:00

B-Bot Transformers vs. Battle Damage He-man.

I Do Miss Me Some Deadwood

2009-02-03T11:26:00.001-08:00

Bobbleheads and puppets by mister frothee.

At Least We Know How His Lungs Got So Strong

2009-02-03T10:56:00.001-08:00

Are There Any Government Officials That Actually DO Pay Their Taxes?

2009-02-03T10:49:00.001-08:00

Well, looks like another one bites the dust in the game of Survivor that is the Obama cabinet. Shortly after Obama's nomination for Chief Performance Officer withdrew her name due to undisclosed tax issues, Tom Daschle has also pulled out of his nomination for HHS Secretary because of his own blunders with the IRS. While Timothy Geitner was able to survive his failure to operate Turbo Tax correctly, Daschle's $140,000 in owed back taxes for car service proved his undoing. Apparently he hired Bruce Wayne himself to drive him around in the Batmobile since the tax alone on this shuttle service was in the six figures. I don't know whether all these tax snafu's are coming to the surface because of the high economic scrutiny of the times of the reform of Washington ethics promised by Obama, but if we eliminate every capable public servant because they forgot to check box 34B on page 372C of their 1034EZ or called a receipt for cigs a business expense, Barack may be running this country by himself. It wasn't too long ago Ted Stevens corrupt ass was convicted for failing to report a quarter million in gifts, and that sonuvabitch got reelected to the Senate. We should be so lucky if tax shenanigans are the worst skeletons in the cabinet. At least it's not dead hookers. Just let these people pay what they owe and get on with helping the country. That being said, if you work in mother @#$%ing government, learn how to do your mother @#$%ing taxes. Ass.

Templesmith Obama

2009-02-02T11:25:00.000-08:00

From Ben Templesmith's new book, The Presidents Of The United States.

Pretty Dope

2009-02-02T11:11:00.001-08:00

Tons more at designboom.

Congratulations Pittsburgh

2009-02-02T11:04:00.000-08:00

It was either this or a fat guy with his shirt off.

So Very Dope.

2009-01-30T11:00:00.001-08:00

If you like "I Can Read" Kali-Ma-style, check out Spacesick's site for many more superfresh film inspired book cover designs, including pure awesomeness such as Ghostbusters, Back To The Future, and Caddyshack. I really really need these to somehow actually exist.

What... Uh... Huh? Whatever. @#$% It.

2009-01-29T11:52:00.000-08:00

Grant Morrison is not a storyteller. Storytellers write comprehensible tales with beginnings, middles, and ends... sometimes even climaxes. Grant Morrison just pukes ideas into a word processor and lets them fall in whatever order they come out of his brain. Therefore, please enjoy the following review of Final Crisis as Grant Morrison himself would have written it: Pure thought diarrhea.

Flex Mentallo 2.0 plus his JLA Darkseid story mashed together with the faintest sprinkle of All-Star Superman. Superman Beyond was only absolutely necessary and nothing makes sense without it. Wait, something makes sense with it? Why not just call it a 9-part series? Or Make Superman Beyond 3 parts. Of course, more than likely, nothing that happened in this mess will actually have any effect on the DCU continuity, especially since the Deus Ex Machina that brought it to an end was Superman simply wishing everything back into existence. As if the story isn't confusing enough, he can't even make things happen in the order they happen. It's just a jumble of snapshots throughout time. Mandrakk the vampire watcher, I mean monitor, is doing what exactly? Captain Carrot. Batman is now a caveman who crashed in Superman's rocket at the beginning of time. More interesting than Secret Invasion, or just more offensive? Started off intriguing... Libra? Was there a point? Apparently Hawkman is dead and Aquaman is back. Who knows? They both happened in one panel. What happens when evil wins? Norman Osborn, whoops, Lex Luthor saves the day. It's like the story you would make up with your action figures as a kid, but you wanted to use toys from different lines so you made up dumb reasons why they were all in the same universe and different sizes. The whole theme of this is that it's a commentary on the power of storytelling. Why not tell an actual story? (D)

At Last... A President Who Understands The Unifying Power Of Booze

2009-01-28T12:24:00.000-08:00

Knowing that there isn't a moment to spare in kick-starting the U.S. economy, Barack Obama has turned to the surest form of social lubrication. In order to help get lawmakers on the side of his proposed stimulus package, Obama has invited several key Republicans and Democrats to the White House for a cocktail party. No word on what will be on tap for the event, but I'm guessing it won't be the PBR he had on the campaign trail to out-blue-collar Hillary. No word yet on why this is considered an actual new story. Clearly, I just posted it so I could show a picture of Obama with a beer.

Can A Not Terrible X-Men Cartoon Exist?

2009-01-26T16:05:00.000-08:00

Wolverine And The X-men premiered on Nicktoons last week and is actually showing some promise. The character design is a vast improvement from the ugtastic 90's show and fairly consistent with the comic books, as opposed to the not-another-teen toon Evolution versions. The show also avoids the 90's pitfall of trying to throw a whole bunch of classic X-men plots in a blender and push puree. It's set in its own continuity and isn't beholding to convoluted histories. It has a past that hasn't been written yet and a limitless cast of characters from which to draw. Rockslide and Dust are in the first episode for pete's sake. The action direction leaves a little to be desired but seems like it could find itself eventually, though it may never match that of Spectacular Spider-Man. Only time will tell if the Logan-centric series can hold up as more and more mutants are crammed into it, but at least it's off to an acceptable start, looking more JLU than Morph & Jubilee's Variety Hour.

If You Want To Live, You Will Not Watch This Turd

2009-01-26T14:43:00.000-08:00

There is no plausible reality in which this movie could be good, nor is there any plausible sense of reality in this movie. The villain is an all-too-obvious Hal 9000 rip-off that lives in a bee-hive underground and can basically do ANYTHING, except anything an actual functional computer does, i.e. use logic whatsoever. A computer is based on pure logic, yet Sexy-Voice-Hal's plan is the most ridiculously convoluted, unnecessary, and inefficient assassination plot ever conceived. The computer wants to take out the president because his bad decision led to the death of fifty or so American citizens, yet her plan to kill him would murder hundreds more, including innocent children. How is that logical? We are to believe this computer can do all of the ridiculous things it orchestrates in the movie, but that it cannot kill the POTUS without involving an entire concert hall full of people and an elementary school band kid's trumpet. This is a computer that can inexplicably take down power lines from thousands of miles away. Seriously, WTF? It's not like the couplings on the electrical towers are connected through the intertubes. Basically, it can control any piece of machinery and 'splode anything it wants, although we later find out it cannot access a convenience store security camera because it's not in its network. Why can't it just blow up the president's laptop or crash Air Force One? There is not one single piece of this disaster of a movie that makes any sense whatsoever. The action is all incomprehensible and unnecessary. Even Rosario Dawson's earth-shattering hotness is misused. A crime alone worth destroying all evidence of this film's horrid existence. (F)

So This Is A T-Shirt Now

2009-01-26T14:24:00.000-08:00

Not quite sure whether this is awesome or not awesome (the shirt, not the obviously awesome photo), but 8103's Jordan shirts are unquestionably dope.

Can't Decide Between Silicone Sound Or Teet Beat

2009-01-26T11:25:00.000-08:00

Dope mannequin speaker system by Bob Turek. Bass you truly want in your face. (Found on Boing Boing.)

Inaugurated

2009-01-20T12:13:00.001-08:00

Peace Out

2009-01-19T14:10:00.001-08:00

I May Actually Have To Buy Some LeBrons

2009-01-19T12:15:00.001-08:00

They're no Jordan Fusion 3s, but the Zoom LeBron VI Los Angeles Editions are pretty fresh.

Stringer Bell Brings The Game To The Office

2009-01-15T14:00:00.000-08:00

That's right, Idris Elba has been cast to appear in six episodes of NBC's "The Office". Apparently he will be some sort of rival to Steve Carell before taking a round in the chest from a Muslim in a bow-tie and a gay man with a shotgun.

Dope

2009-01-13T17:36:00.000-08:00

Jay-Z + Radiohead = Jaydiohead

The Best Things Ever From 2008

2009-01-05T14:51:00.000-08:00

2008 is officially over and it was quite the year, clocking in at an entire 365 days! There was a lot of not so great in those days, especially if you were a governor or had a 401k, but there were also some bright shining rays of delicious, delicious sun as well. Here's some of the brightest and most appetizing... or at least the ones I can remember off the top of my head.

Sports
There wasn't really too much winning to be happy for in '08, but there was some losing worth celebrating. The three douchiest teams in all of sports suffered humiliation this past year.

3. The Yankees failed to make the playoffs in their legendary stadium's final season.
2. Satan's Lakers were crushed in the finals by the Celtics. (Not that the Celtics are a squad you should ever root for.)
1. The New England Douchebags squandered a perfect regular season by choking on a fat one in the Super Bowl.

Toys
2008 was a good year for the kid in you and a bad one for the kid in your wallet.

3. The Lego Indiana Jones video game was one positive to come from the worst man made disaster in history.
2. Mighty Muggs finally sold me with Mola Ram and Galactus.
1. Super Hero Squad continued to be adorably awesome.

Comics
This year saw a lot of overblown hype and crappy crossovers, but also some more than solid contributions to comic lore.

3. Brubaker and Fraction's Fabled Iron Fist run sadly came to its conclusion.
2. Ditto for Morisson and Quietly's All Star Superman.
1. Brubaker's Captain America continued to make creamy goodness in underoos everywhere.

TV
There wasn't too much to get excited about on the major networks, but coaxial cable delivered some fine programming.

3. Venture Bros. Season 3 was a long awaited return to glory and nozzles.
2. The Colbert Report and The Daily Show provided the finest election coverage a human being or whatever the hell alien Gorlock is could ask for.
1. The Wire series finale ended the all-time greatest run of episodic television.

Movies
Clearly, this was the year of the comic book movie and Robert Downey.

3. Tropic Thunder made my booty sweat and nut bust.
2. Iron Man made me happy to be alive.
1. Dark Knight would have made me cry if I wasn't such a badass.

Music
Pretty unfortunate that in a year with new Roots, Common, and Kanye albums that there's no hip-hop in the top three.

3. Santogold and Diplo's Top Ranking was a mixtape masterpiece.
2. Raphael Saadiq's The Way I See It was a feel-good fantasy.
1. TV On The Radio's Dear Science was purely priceless.

General Awesomeness
And now for the most important not-exactly-pop-culture events of 2008.

3. Jordan Fusion 3's making feet awesomer than ever.
2. The further infiltration of craft beers in American society and the canned beer revolution.
1. iPhone II changing life as we know it.

And of course, the very best thing from 2008...

'Nuff said.

Why ?uestlove, Why?

2008-12-09T16:25:00.001-08:00

The Roots are officially the house band for Late Night With Talentless Dingleberry (AKA Jimmy Fallon).

Invasion Done. Next, Civil War II.

2008-12-05T12:37:00.000-08:00

Well, Secret Invasion came to its predictably underwhelming conclusion this week and Marvel's Dark Reign solicits have finally been released. Apparently it will all be a big What If Bendis Wrote Civil War series with Norman Osborn in the role of Tony Stark. The worst part about it is I finally get the returns of Hawkeye and Brown Wolverine and it's going to be Bullseye and Wolverine's son in the outfits.

Greatest. Video Game. Ever.

2008-12-04T13:50:00.001-08:00

Watch the trailer of pure awesomeness here.

Dope

2008-12-02T13:03:00.001-08:00

Mixtape USB drive from Fi-Hi.

The NFL Abridged: Week 11

2008-11-20T14:05:00.001-08:00

The Bears were doodie.

The NFL Abridged: Week 10

2008-11-13T14:10:00.001-08:00

Quinn was good, Rex was not, and Peyton may just be back.

President

2008-11-05T16:41:00.000-08:00

By Chris Milk

The NFL Abridged: Week 9

2008-11-05T16:34:00.000-08:00

Chicago pulled out a inexplicably close one against the Lions and managed to lose Jack Daniels in the process, brining about the horror inducing return of the Sex Cannon, AKA Down Syndrome Michael Keaton. Come back soon Kyle. Meanwhile Anthony Gonzalez went crazy town on the New England Douchebags to keep hope alive in Indy. In other news, BQ will finally QB in Cleveland as the Brown's sputtering offense has opened the door for the NFL's first openly gay passer. The goosebumps you're feeling are for several reasons.

M.I.A. Is Down In The Hole

2008-11-05T16:26:00.001-08:00

Her new track, S.U.S. features Blaqstarr and The Wire's often covered theme song. The $6 YouTube video isn't bad either.

@#$%ing Awesome

2008-11-05T16:17:00.000-08:00

Don't @#$% This Up America

2008-11-03T21:23:00.000-08:00

So Dough Boy Fresh

2008-10-29T16:17:00.000-07:00

Just Wanted To Point Something Out...

2008-10-29T16:05:00.000-07:00

Go Hoosiers. Turn that bitch blue.

THE NBA IS HERE AGAIN! AWESOME! Right?

2008-10-29T12:44:00.000-07:00

That's right, America's so-so sport is already in session for the 08-09 season. You might not have noticed, what with the football, the world series delays, and that whole historic election thing, so hopefully you remembered to draft your fantasy team before tip-off last night. Oh, you don't play fantasy basketball? Shocking. Anyways, with three games on the docket last night, we've already learned a few things:

1. Drew Gooden is Dr. Zoidberg for Halloween.

2. Derrick Rose ain't half bad. He almost had a double double, dishing out nine dimes and grabbing three steals in what was surely the most nerve-wracking game of his life.

3. Kirk Hinrich is still relevant.

4. LeBron still can't shoot for @#$%.

5. A contented KG is Boston's worst nightmare.

6. Joel Przybilla is still a fantasy enigma... wrapped in a doughy midriff... wrapped in bacon.

7. Greg Oden is merely a large sculpture of a basketball player made of glass, tissue paper, and Elmer's glue. He should at no time be moved, jostled, or breathed upon.

8. Kobe Bryant is still an @$$hole.

The NFL Abridged: Week 8

2008-10-29T10:52:00.000-07:00

Colts 21 - Titans 31
WTF Colts?!?! The Blue Horse desperately needs LL Cool Sanders Back. Peyton and Mustache Ride finally looked like their old selves, but couldn't put up more than three scores against Head Stomper Haynesworth. The Horseshoes are now behind the Ravens, Bills, Jags, and even the Jets for playoff spot positioning.

Elsewhere around the league, the Bears were on bye, Dallas has a defense, The Boston Douchebags keep winning, and Ye Olde Saints - Chargers shootout in Jolly Olde England demolished my fantasy team with ridiculousness yet again.

The NFL Abridged: Week 7

2008-10-24T11:11:00.000-07:00

Whoops. Guess I forgot to write about week seven. That's ok, there's only one thing you need to know. Kyle Jack Mother @#$%ing Daniels Orton.

And Now, Something Everyone Can Enjoy

2008-10-17T14:12:00.000-07:00

The NFL Abridged: Week 6

2008-10-15T10:57:00.002-07:00

Bears 20 - @#$%ing Falcons 22
Seriously?

Colts 31 - Barksdales 3
That's more like it.

Fins 28 - Texans 29
Lots of last minute robberies this week.

Lions 10 - Vikings 12
The Kitty Cats just can't catch a break. Maybe all those draft picks from Dallas will help. Ha!

Raiders 3 - Saints 34
Looks like this is the first year of the Bush administration. Shudder.

Bengals 14 - Favres 26
Not a good year for jungle cat themed teams. Well, the Panthers are pretty ok... Jaguars aren't bad... ok, never mind.

Panthers 3 - Bucs 27
Tampa Bay has a good run defense. Who knew?

Rams 19 - Skins 17
WTF happened here?

Jags 24 - Broncos 17
That dude with two last names sure can move the football.

Boys 24 - Cards 30
Nomo fo Romo.

Eagles 40 - Miners 26
The Eagles will be the best team to ever finish dead last in a division.

Cheeseheads 27 - Starbucks 17
Sigh. Ryan Grant is still yet to break 100 yards or get a touchdown. What a first round fantasy pick that was.

Douchebags 10 - Bolts (AKA Slightly Lesser Douchebags) 30
Way to call a timeout when you're down by 42 with 17 seconds left dickface.

G-Men 14 - Browns 35
Guess we won't be seeing the first openly gay NFL QB anytime soon.

The NFL Abridged: Week 5

2008-10-07T11:52:00.000-07:00

What happened to week four, you might ask? Well, Maui happened. To sum it up, Bears kicked ass and Colts were on bye. Skins beat the Stars, Denver ran out of referee mojo, and Brett Favre went ridiculous. And now, on to week five... the week that Hollywood Billiards broke my heart.

Colts 31 - Texans 27
Ok, seriously. It shouldn't be this hard. Hopefully three TD's in four minutes will be a catalyst or something.

Bears 34 - Kitty Cats 7
Finally an old school Chicago romp n' stomp.

Titans 13 - Barksdales 10
I guess Indy maybe should be worried about these guys.

Worst Team Ever (Chiefs) 0 - Panthers 34
DeAngelo Williams finally woke up, messed around, and got three thouchdowns.

Falcons 27 - Cheeseheads 24
Isn't Atlanta supposed to be terrible?

Chargers 10 - Ronnie Browns 17
Looks like the Dolphins are for reals this time... and Norv Turner probably won't be around too much longer.

Starbucks 6 - Giants 44
No Plax, no problems.

Skins 23 - Eagles 17
Apparently there are good teams in the NFC East. You may have heard this once or twice on TV.

Bucs 13 - Broncos 16
The AFC West looks like it's all horsey if the Bolts keep underachieving... although a couple of the stallions look headed for the glue factory.

Bills 17 - Cards 41
Someone's gotta win the NFC West, might as well be the team with a Police Academy officer.

Bengals 22 - Boys 31
I didn't see a star being kissed.

Douchebags 30 - Niners 21
Sigh.

Steelers 26 - Jags 21
Ben played big, but they still don't look like the team from the first couple games. Probably because they're not (what with their two top backs injured).

Vikings 30 - Saints 27
Whacky wild stuff.

The NFL Abridged: Week 3

2008-09-23T14:34:00.000-07:00

Jags 23 - Colts 21
@#$%. On the plus side, the last time the Jaguars demolished the Colts' run defense that badly, Indy won the Super Bowl.

Peg Legs 27 - Bears 24
Double @#$%. And that unnecessary roughness call was ass.

Chiefs 14 - Falcons 38
Say goodbye to Thigpen and hello again to Huard. Then goodbye again to Huard.

Raiders 23 - Bills 24
Al Davis is old.

Bengals 23 - G-Men 26
Still nothing of note from Ocho Cinco.

Dolphins 38 - Douche Bags 13
Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown!
(In case you did not know, Ronnie Brown is on my fantasy team.)

Texans 12 - Titans 31
Don't leave Vince Young alone. Ever.

Cards 17 - Skins 24
Campbell is starting to get his @#$% together. Still won't get out of that division though.

Panthers 10 - Vikings 20
Gus Frerotte is the answer. Really.

Saints 32 - Broncos 34
Another questionable call, another Denver win.

Lions 13 - Miners 31
The Lions are not a good football team.

Rams 13 - Starbucks 37
Julius Jones was at least one good thing to come out of Notre Dame last weekend.

Steelers 6 - Eagles 15
No Westbrook, no win next week.

Browns 10 - Barksdales 28
Stir up the echoes, Quinn is coming.

Stars 27 - Packers 16
We live in an unfortunate world where the Cowboys are good once again.

Jets 29 - Bolts 48
Utter demolition, but entertaining demolition.

I Guess Diddy And I Have More In Common Than I Ever Could Have Thought

2008-09-22T11:04:00.000-07:00

Coming Soon To A Fridge Near Me

2008-09-17T12:23:00.000-07:00

The NFL Abridged: Week 2

2008-09-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

Titans 24 - Bengals 7
The tale of two crumbling quarterbacks.

Bills 20 - Jags 16
Apparently there are players on the Bills who are good. You've just never heard of them or didn't know they were on the Bills.

Gwar 23 - Arrowheads 8
This McFadden Fellow may be something after all. Oh wait, he was playing the Chiefs. And whatever happened to Grandmama 2?

Colts 18 - Vikings 15
Yikes. That was a close one. We need the mustache ride back.

Bears 17 - Panthers 20
@#$%. And now Hester's hurt too.

Cheeseheads 48 - Kitty Cats 25
The Lions are not a good football team.

Giants 41 - Rams 13
Eli is not scurred of the Williams sisters.

Saints 24 - Skins 29
Chris Cooley is taking his team's nickname a little too literally.

Falcons 9 - Booty Plunderers 24
Garcia may have lost his job, but he still has a hot hot beard.

Gold Miners 33 - Starbucks 30
J.T. O'Sullivan is in desperate need of a nickname... J-Toast, J-To, Minivan, Third String Sullivan... Man, this is harder than I thought.

Douchebags 19 - Jets 10
Really Mangini? Really?

Bolts 38 - Lucky Ass Broncos 39
Yeah, that was pretty terrible.

Fins 10 - Cards 31
Kurt Warner will never die.

Steelers 10 - Browns 6
Come on Anderson, just go all Vince Young for a couple weeks.

Eagles 37 - Jessica Simpsons 41
Yay for touchdowns! Defense is for girls!

Obama

2008-09-15T13:07:00.000-07:00

(By David Choe)

Zambrano-no!

2008-09-15T10:40:00.000-07:00

And I don't want to hear any more @#$% about how the Astros were distracted by Ike and Miller Park is basically a home field for the Cubs. The mammal is large and he destroyed my fantasy team.

Particle Accelerator Tested, Reality Still Exists

2008-09-10T11:19:00.000-07:00

Scientists in Switzerland fired up the Large Hadron Collider today and the Earth was not eaten by black holes as many predicted. The Collider is the largest particle accelerator in the world and was a steal at $9 billion dollars. It basically sends a bunch of protons around an underground tunnel in order to unlock the secrets of the universe. Hmm... shooting tiny things down a tunnel to unlock the reason for being... I think I just figured it out for free. Big Hadron hasn't actually collided anything yet and will begin particle smashing in the next couple months, so all of existence isn't in the clear yet. There is speculation that the L.H.C. could create tiny black holes (that are hopefully too small for the whole planet swallowing thing and instead lead to Narnia or Wonderland) or the ever elusive dark matter that combines with Topher Grace to form Spider-Man's arch nemesis Venom.

Put Lipstick On Your Very Own Pig Doll!

2008-09-10T10:52:00.000-07:00

Now you can own America's number one hockey milf with real redneck rifle action grip! And when you really need to bust out the big guns, there's Sarah Palin Super Hero Action Figure with Pentecostal pistol pouch strapped to her baby spitting birthing hips. Abort this liberals! HeroBuilders.com also offers Beach Blanket Obama and Plush John McCain.

The NFL Abridged: Week 1

2008-09-09T13:27:00.000-07:00

Skins 7 - Giants 16
The Super Bowl champs' highly publicized losses on defense didn't stop them from going 1-0. More importantly, four-foot-tall IU alum, Antwaan Randle El led the Redskins in receiving.

Bengals 10 - Ravens 17
At long last, the official debut of Ocho Cinco... and he caught one pass for 22 yards.

Jets 20 - Dolphins 14
Apparently that obscure guy they got from Green Bay can still throw balls. Also, @#$% Ronnie Brown.

Chiefs 10 - Douchebags 17
Karma = Bitch.

Texans 17 - Steelers 38
Willie Parker already has one more touchdown than all of last year. Also, @#$% Ronnie Brown.

Jags 10 - Titans 17
Vince Young = The new Britney Spears.

Lions 21 - Atlanta 34
One pass, one touchdown in the first sequence of the Matt Ryan era.

Pirates 20 - Saints 24
I guess Kim Kardashian's ass contains the key to not sucking at football.

Rams 3 - Eagles 38
Yep, the Rams are still terrible and McNabb is still good for the first three games of the season.

Cowboys 28 - Doo Doo Browns 10
Still waiting for Anderson to get hurt so I can find Cleveland interesting.

Panthers 26 - Chargers 24
The countdown to Merriman's knee exploding like the Death Star continues.

Cards 23 - 49ers 13
At least Matt Leinart doesn't have to take a break from beer bonging with fat teenage girls to play football anymore.

Bears 29 - Colts 13
Matt Forte is looking good. Peyton is looking... like he'll be fine by next week.

Vikings 19 - Cheese Heads 24
Good for Rodgers.

Broncos 41 - Raiders 14
Horrendous, horrendous team.

Are These The New Ghostbusters?

2008-09-05T10:51:00.000-07:00

Sigh. Apparently Ghostbusters 3 may be a reality after all. Of course it won't be Ghostbusters in Hell with Ben Stiller replacing Bill Murray, but instead a complete reboot with none of the original actors (at least not in a central role). Office writers Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg have been called upon to write this probable disaster and have already worked with Harold Ramis on a Judd Apatow film to be released in 2009. Seeing as these Office cats like to stick together, it isn't too far fetched to imagine the NBC sitcom contributing several actors to the cast of GB3... or the whole thing could disappear by next year. One can only hope... Oh no, I just had a vision of Seth Rogan playing Slimer as a pothead with the munchies.

How Cuuuuuuuute!

2008-08-22T16:31:00.000-07:00

Bloggers Everywhere Resisting Urge To Type "Houston We Have A Problem Child"

2008-08-01T05:52:00.001-07:00

Apparently Yao Ming is a little wary of his new teammate, Ron Artest. I certainly have no idea why that would be. Ron seems to think it's because the thirty-seven other black guys on the Rockets don't really represent the culture like he does, not because he, you know, punches people. He thinks Yao just isn't used to ghetto. Actually, the Rockets could probably use a little ghetto. Maybe Ron can turn T-Mac into less of a pussy. Maybe he can make Yao stop apologizing to the other team for blocking their shot. Maybe it's time Houston's two best players tried not being pillowy soft and started going Ron Ron on some folks. They could also try not being injured for 90% of the season. By the way, is Steve Francis really still technically on this team? Really?

The Teensy Weensy Stack

2008-08-01T04:53:00.000-07:00

Wolverine #67
Mark Millar has definitely come up with some enjoyable possible-Marvel-future quirks which stem from the fact that the villains from his 1985 series clearly somehow win and take over the world. Which world that is remains to be seen, but it's surely one where Spidey doesn't get back together with Mary Jane... unless they adopt. I'm not sure how this will tie in with Fantastic Four yet, but props for bringing the badass back to Hawkeye. (A)

Green Lantern #33
The reasons for the retelling of Hal Jordan's origin begin to become clear as Geoff Johns shows the seed planting for the Blackest Night saga. I just wish it would hurry up and get here so I know that this was worth it. I do, however, like the way Johns clouds GL's identity from Carol Ferris. Always nice to give a reason why superheroes' girlfriends never realize their dudes' secret identities. (A-)

Thor #10
We're almost a year into this series and Thor still hasn't fought @#$%, save for a brief argument with Iron Man and an imaginary tussle alongside his pops in the underworld. Don't get me wrong, this everlasting setup is extremely well written and the art is beautiful, but can't something happen every once in a while? And how many pin-up covers of Thor just standing around can we possibly need? (B)

Deschutes Inversion IPA

2008-08-01T04:18:00.000-07:00

If an ignorant beer drinker wanted to know what an IPA tasted like, this might be the perfect example to give them. It's hoppy, but unaggressive and shouldn't blow away those with a lesser trained palate. It's got the average citrus and floral flavors with the hint of pine and a sunshiney reddish amber hue. It boasts a 6.8% ABV and while it's a truly refreshing and crisp brew, it doesn't necessarily bring anything new to the table. She may not be a video chick or able to put both legs over her head, but you certainly wouldn't kick this one out of bed. (B)

Junior Pale Hose

2008-07-31T21:47:00.001-07:00

600 home run hitter, Ken Griffey Jr. has been traded to the Chicago White Sox. The future Hall of Famer was acquired for a pair of prospects and could be in the Sox lineup tomorrow night. This leads to some confusion over exactly what that lineup will be. With Dye and Quentin in right and left field respectively and Jim Thome at the DH spot, Griffey would most likely have to split time with center fielder Nick Swisher and Paul Konerko, with Swisher covering first when Konerko sits. Whether relevant or not, Konerko, who is having a horrendous year, was not in tonight's game against the Twins. The Sox lost 10 - 6 after the game was delayed by douchebag Minnesotans who threw hats and balls on the field after their manager was tossed.

Best Comic Con Purchase of 2008

2008-07-29T09:45:00.001-07:00

This ultra dope Mike Huddleston MF Doom print. I only wish I would have bought the Madlib one as well. Getting the Jim Mahfood Mixtapes was also pretty nice.

Maui Brewing Co's Coconut Porter

2008-07-21T22:00:00.000-07:00

When you consider that Maui Brewing Company's beers are made in Hawaii and come in a can, you probably already assume they have two strikes against them, but don't be so quick to dismiss the pleasantly surprising brews. Their Big Swell proves they can pull off an IPA and the Coconut Porter is a unique kind of delicious as well. It pours the color of molasses with a fatass brown head that looks like three inches of nestles quick powder floating on top of your beer. The can gives it a little metallic tinge upfront that sort of blends with the coconut aftertaste. The main body of flavor is a silky semi-sweet espresso infused chocolate that is slightly hopped and somewhat flat. It's not as filling as your usual porter, so you can actually drink more than one at a time, and the 5.7% alcohol won't kill you either. This desserty treat is reminiscent of a somewhat exotic looking girl with thick hips that you're not quite sure is hot, but then you find out she can do that dueling banjos thing with her glutes. (B+)

Absolutely Horrifying

2008-07-09T15:53:00.001-07:00

Seriously? Manga Bill Murray? Only alcohol can make this go away.

This Just Isn't Right

2008-06-26T09:56:00.001-07:00

You Know It's A Slow Sports Week When The Flavor Of Shaq's @$$ Gets a Twenty Minute Segment On SportsCenter

2008-06-23T20:28:00.000-07:00

Shaq freestyled (loose use of the term). TMZ was there. ESPN actually put this on the air.

Round One To The North

2008-06-23T14:58:00.001-07:00

Fri, Jun 20
CWS 3
CUBS 4

Sat, Jun 21
CWS 7
CUBS 11

Sun, Jun 22
CWS 1
CUBS 7

(Round two starts Friday on the South Side.)

Another Boring Pacer Trade That Wouldn't Really Make Any Sense or: Maybe Larry Bird Is Just Trying To Danny Ainge Us

2008-06-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

A young, usually broken point guard for an old, permanently broken power forward? Thanks, but no thanks. The Indiana Pacers are allegedly in discussion with the Toronto Raptors to ship their six-time All-Star and franchise player, Jermaine O'Neal out of Indy for the decidedly underwhelming T.J. Ford. Ford, a slightly above average floor general when he's not injured, has more than likely lost his starting spot to Jose Calderon and has also been mentioned in a possible swap with the Suns for Boris Diaw. The Pacers have already suffered through one point guard who shows flashes of semi-greatness but spends more time on the trainer's table than on the court. The last thing they need is a reload of Jamaal Tinsley. Why not look closer for trade options? The neighboring Chicago Bulls are in desperate need of a scoring big man and veteran leadership. They have more undersized guards than Amy Winehouse has scabies and are about to draft another one with the first pick in the draft. Kirk Hinrich has a similarly cumbersome contract to O'Neal's and is much less likely than Ford to be walking on plastic ankles by age thirty. The Pacers also have the option of taking D.J. Augustin with the 11th pick in the draft, but acquiring a point guard through a trade would free them up to fill another need... every position on the floor that can't be played by Danny Granger.

The Itsy Bitsy Stack

2008-06-19T13:30:00.001-07:00

Incredible Hercules #118
Alien shape-shifting cyborg coyote puppies and hot weepy demigod on demigod action. What's not to like? (A)

Wolverine #66
I like the Hillbilly Hulks and it seems like this will be a fun one, but not much happened in the first issue of Millar's epic. (B+)

X-Factor #32
The first era of Peter David's new X-Factor has come to an end in a fairly unspectacular manner and I'm really not looking forward to the She-Hulk Skrull crossover... or Longshot and Hip Hop Darwin (B)

Amazing Spider-Man #563
I get it. Quesada doesn't like smoking. Apparently sharing that viewpoint is all you need to write Marvel's highest profile character, cuz you definitely don't need skill. (D)

Pie!

2008-06-18T15:25:00.001-07:00

From: Beards Of Our Forefathers:
A Collection of Wondermark Comic Strips

Done

2008-06-09T15:45:00.001-07:00

You'd think all that money he held out for his rookie season could have paid for a taxi.

Chicago Sports Update

2008-06-09T14:19:00.000-07:00

The Cubs are still number one in baseball after inexplicably splitting the weekend series against the mediocre Dodgers. Their pitching continues to look shaky, especially with The Large Mammal's blood at a constant frothy boil.

The Southsiders' bats woke up last weekend as they dropped 10, 11, and 12 runs in consecutive games on the Twins. Joe Crede had five home runs over the course of said games as Ozzie's latest tirade seems to have worked. With yet another win over Minnesota today, the Sox have chalked up seven in a row and lead the Central by 6.5 games.

After somehow not actually hiring Doug Collins, the Chicago Bulls have offered the head coaching job to the completely inexperienced Vinnie Del Negro. Best known for his stellar mullet, Vinnie takes over as the whacky rumors of trading the number one pick in the draft for Dwayne Wade and the number two pick have seemed to fade away.

Cedric Benson is in trouble with the law yet again, picking up a DWI in Texas on Saturday, hot on the heels of his drunken boating arrest about a month ago. Benson, who is now equally disappointing off of the field as he is on it may have played his last game for the floundering Bears.

Super Happy Lego Funtime

2008-06-03T11:16:00.001-07:00

Check out some more of this dude's lego recreations of famous photographs here.

And in case you missed it, here's a collection of a ridiculous amount of custom made lego comic book characters.

Amanda Lucas Gets Done To Her What Every Self Respecting Star Wars / Indiana Jones Fan Wishes They Could Do To Her Father

2008-06-03T11:02:00.001-07:00

So apparently George Lucas' daughter is some sort of MMA fighter... and apparently she's not a very good one. After her first match she looked like Darth Vader with his mask off. I guess her opponent, Nicki Kavanaugh, really really hates CG gophers.

The Ridiculously Fat Stack

2008-05-30T15:48:00.001-07:00

Giant-Size Astonishing X-men #1
Well, that was almost actually worth the wait. Good to see that the door for Kitty's return is sort of left open and that Brand has a healthy appetite for pony breaking. (A+)

1985 #1
Kind of hard to tell how this one's going to turn out. So far there doesn't seem to be much point in setting it in the real world. I just hope this kid doesn't save the day with his imagination or something. (A-)

Final Crisis #1
It's definitely a pretty book. I just wish the countdown to it didn't... you know... exist. (A-)

Uncanny X-Men #498
At least Brubaker isn't afraid to try and make lame-ass 90's villains relevant. What with giving the X-Men hippie code names, he may not be afraid of anything. (B)

X-Men Legacy #212
Damn, this thing sure comes out a lot. Starting to get repetitive though. (B)

Batman #677
Oooh, Bruce Wayne might be crazy. How original. Tony Daniel is just gawdawful. (C)

The New Avengers #41
While it's better than that horrid Sentry tale in Mighty it does seem kind of unnecessary. (C)

All that and there's still All Star Superman, Iron Fist, Thor, GL, DD, and X-Force to go. Expensive.

Full Disclosure

2008-05-29T11:10:00.000-07:00

Nice of those whacky guys at the CIA to let us know what they're up to.