UPDATED: Agent Zero To Need The Plane Spotting Services Of French-Filipino Midget

Cover boy of NBA Live '08 and most entertaining sports personality of the decade, Gilbert Arenas recently stated that after returning from vacation in Tahiti, he is seriously considering buying his own island. If Diana Ross and Marvin Brando had their own, why can't Agent Zero? (That's right, he said Marvin Brando.) Gilbert sleeps in high-altitude simulation chambers and throws 42-zillion-dollar birthday parties, so this really doesn't come as much of a shock; I just hope it really happens. Knowing him, he'll install a three mile margarita slip n' slide, the obstacle course from Ninja Warrior, and a fifty-foot tall solid gold statue of Beyonce's ass.

Pornographic Cracker Jack Prize

As if cutting back to four peanuts per box weren't bad enough, Cracker Jack has now completely chinced out on the secret toy as well. I don't know when oversized postage stamp became equivalent with toy surprise, (let alone oversized postage stamp of a flesh colored clam) but i sure do miss the days of plastic Indians and magnifying glasses. Apparently kids are supposed to fold this thing in such a way that by pinching the corners, they can make it talk. Just don't let them tilt their head when they do it. If only they would have anted up enough cash to make this thing a temporary tattoo. I've always wanted a stoned vagina on my arm.