In Case You Forgot, Kobe Bryant Is An @$$hole

Must be nice when every referee in the NBA wants to suck your @#$%.

What... Uh... Huh? Whatever. @#$% It.

Grant Morrison is not a storyteller. Storytellers write comprehensible tales with beginnings, middles, and ends... sometimes even climaxes. Grant Morrison just pukes ideas into a word processor and lets them fall in whatever order they come out of his brain. Therefore, please enjoy the following review of Final Crisis as Grant Morrison himself would have written it: Pure thought diarrhea.

Flex Mentallo 2.0 plus his JLA Darkseid story mashed together with the faintest sprinkle of All-Star Superman. Superman Beyond was only absolutely necessary and nothing makes sense without it. Wait, something makes sense with it? Why not just call it a 9-part series? Or Make Superman Beyond 3 parts. Of course, more than likely, nothing that happened in this mess will actually have any effect on the DCU continuity, especially since the Deus Ex Machina that brought it to an end was Superman simply wishing everything back into existence. As if the story isn't confusing enough, he can't even make things happen in the order they happen. It's just a jumble of snapshots throughout time. Mandrakk the vampire watcher, I mean monitor, is doing what exactly? Captain Carrot. Batman is now a caveman who crashed in Superman's rocket at the beginning of time. More interesting than Secret Invasion, or just more offensive? Started off intriguing... Libra? Was there a point? Apparently Hawkman is dead and Aquaman is back. Who knows? They both happened in one panel. What happens when evil wins? Norman Osborn, whoops, Lex Luthor saves the day. It's like the story you would make up with your action figures as a kid, but you wanted to use toys from different lines so you made up dumb reasons why they were all in the same universe and different sizes. The whole theme of this is that it's a commentary on the power of storytelling. Why not tell an actual story? (D)

If You Want To Live, You Will Not Watch This Turd

There is no plausible reality in which this movie could be good, nor is there any plausible sense of reality in this movie. The villain is an all-too-obvious Hal 9000 rip-off that lives in a bee-hive underground and can basically do ANYTHING, except anything an actual functional computer does, i.e. use logic whatsoever. A computer is based on pure logic, yet Sexy-Voice-Hal's plan is the most ridiculously convoluted, unnecessary, and inefficient assassination plot ever conceived. The computer wants to take out the president because his bad decision led to the death of fifty or so American citizens, yet her plan to kill him would murder hundreds more, including innocent children. How is that logical? We are to believe this computer can do all of the ridiculous things it orchestrates in the movie, but that it cannot kill the POTUS without involving an entire concert hall full of people and an elementary school band kid's trumpet. This is a computer that can inexplicably take down power lines from thousands of miles away. Seriously, WTF? It's not like the couplings on the electrical towers are connected through the intertubes. Basically, it can control any piece of machinery and 'splode anything it wants, although we later find out it cannot access a convenience store security camera because it's not in its network. Why can't it just blow up the president's laptop or crash Air Force One? There is not one single piece of this disaster of a movie that makes any sense whatsoever. The action is all incomprehensible and unnecessary. Even Rosario Dawson's earth-shattering hotness is misused. A crime alone worth destroying all evidence of this film's horrid existence. (F)

The NFL Abridged: Week 11

The Bears were doodie.

Are These The New Ghostbusters?

Sigh. Apparently Ghostbusters 3 may be a reality after all. Of course it won't be Ghostbusters in Hell with Ben Stiller replacing Bill Murray, but instead a complete reboot with none of the original actors (at least not in a central role). Office writers Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg have been called upon to write this probable disaster and have already worked with Harold Ramis on a Judd Apatow film to be released in 2009. Seeing as these Office cats like to stick together, it isn't too far fetched to imagine the NBC sitcom contributing several actors to the cast of GB3... or the whole thing could disappear by next year. One can only hope... Oh no, I just had a vision of Seth Rogan playing Slimer as a pothead with the munchies.