Reed Richards' Crotch Wants A Closer Look...

It Was Only A Matter Of Time...

Mobile Organism Designed Only for Kuteness. (Although this really should have been one of the big ones and come paired with a bucket-head AIM scientist.)

Resetting...

Seven

Let's Hope Karma Has Our Back Tonight

Just to recap, Rajon "Bitchmove" Rondo slugs Brad Miller in the mouth, knocks him so silly he can't hit his game tying free throws, and doesn't get a flagrant called. Meanwhile, in Orlando, Dwight Howard swings a dainty elbow that barely brushes Samuel Dalembert and gets suspended a game. I better see Aaron Gray take a tire iron to Rondo in the top of the second.

So This Exists Now

That's right, ESPN finally recognized and gave Chicago its own homepage.

Looks Like Whiskey To Me

New Bears QB, Jay Cutler doing his best Kyle Orton.

Dye And Konerko Play Dueling 300's

Both Jermaine Dye and Paul Konerko hit their 300th home runs yesterday in a 10-6 win over the Detroit Tigers. Not only did they reach the milestone in the same game, but in consecutive at bats, with Konerko following up Dye's second inning dinger with one of his own. The game also saw the loss of Dewayne Wise to a separated shoulder. Jerry Owens will take his place in center, but if things don't work out, the Sox resigned legendary hot-wife-haver Scott Podsednik to a minor-league deal as insurance.

Neckbeard No More

The Kyle Orton era is over in Chicago. The Bears traded him and two first round picks today for Denver's even dopier looking and overrated QB, Jay Cutler. No word yet on Cutler's whiskey of choice, but I'm guessing Early Times.

Colbert

By Me.

Who Watches The Hostess Fruit Pies?

Presidential Trouble by Elan’ Rodger Trinidad

New Avengers #50, Now Featuring Three Panels Of Girl On Girl Strap-On Action

By the way, just once, it would be nice if Bendis could end a giant fight without some ridiculous and contrived deus ex machina that has no right to work, and even if it did, would have been used before the fight even started, saving everyone a whole lot of hassle.

Cut

Well, that was fun while it lasted.

In Case You Forgot, Kobe Bryant Is An @$$hole

Must be nice when every referee in the NBA wants to suck your @#$%.

Drake's Denogginizer

A quick whiff of a freshly poured glass of this Imperial IPA will fill your nose with dew coated grass and a cool tropical breeze. Its color is solid amber and it holds a creamy white head that leads the way to an easy drinking yet flavorful brew. It's more reminiscent of a barleywine than an IPA and its blend of fruitiness gives it a significantly east coast vibe. The taste doesn't quite live up to the initial smell that seems to disguise a light malty funkiness. Another helping of hops would definitely serve this beer well, as in true Drake's tradition it slightly misses the bulls-eye. It feels like a fairly decent NYC chick transplanted to LA who falls into the unfortunate trap of the latest hipster fashions and dampens what hotness she has with stretch pants, skinny headbands, and slotted sunglasses. I mean, you'd totally still do her, but not quite as enthusiastically as you'd like. She probably won't notice though, cuz you totally remind her of that dude from MGMT. (B+)

Ashton Kutcher To Learn The Mechanics Of Whiskey Chugging And Neck Beards

That's right, Ashton Kutcher is set to star in a movie about a superstar NFL quarterback who switches bodies with a geeky twelve-year-old and will be learning the basics of QB-ing from none other than Chicago's finest, Kyle Orton. At the very least, Kyle will be able to give some pointers on having out-of-body experiences. Meanwhile, Rex Grossman will be advising Kutcher on how to behave like a twelve-year-old. It's all in the hands.

Guess It's A Good Thing The Bulls Didn't Get Amare

Just days after the Phoenix Suns decided not to trade him, it looks like Amare Stoudemire will miss the rest of the season anyway, after undergoing surgery to repair a detached retina. I bet Shaq is super happy that trade to the LeBrons didn't happen either. The Suns aren't the only team that will be missing a big man to start the second half, as Kevin Garnett could be out up to four weeks with a knee injury. Good thing I have tickets to that Celtic-Clipper game next week.

The Swapping Of The Weird Beards

With the Suns smartly deciding to hold on to Amare Stoudemire, the Chicago Bulls have settled for one of the other big men on the trade market and re-acquired Brad "Corn Rows" Miller from the Sacremento Kings along with breakout scoring machine John Salmons. The Bulls had to part with the never-living-up-to-his-potential Drew Gooden and his expiring contract as well as firey fan favorite Andres Nocioni. The move should be an upgrade if Miller can stay healthy and Salmons can get close to the playing time he now expects. Today's trade of Larry Hughes to the Knicks should help in that department. Chicago will also get to enjoy the services / cutting of Jerome "Garbage Man" James and old friend Tim Thomas who played about six minutes for the Bulls last time he was on the team. Most importantly, Chicago should have plenty of money for the 2010 free agent extravaganza and may land Amare or Chris Bosh after all.

Untitled Valentine

By Me

46 Years Of Greatness

Mini Murray

The Ghostbuster toy revolution continues. Also, the one Lego Indiana Jones set that may be worth $80.

A Message Defintiely NOT From Akinyele

Yikes!

Ice Age street mural by Edgar Mueller.

Ok, This Is Pretty Great Too

Stantz and Spud here. Of course, they make us wait for Venkman.

The Greatest Thing I'll See Today

The Iron Fist Super Hero Squad figure was finally revealed today at the NYCC. Also spotted were Bullseye, Bishop, Deathlok, Blob, Havok, X-23, and a whack Mr. Sinister. Moonknight, Nova, and Tigra are supposedly on the way as well. Purrr. Check here for pics. If that's not enough, peep this hot like fire Spidey & His Amazing Friends 3-pack for the MU line. Wow. I am a nerd. At least I'm a sexy nerd.

And In News From The World Of Awesome...

Soon, these will not be the only Ghostbusters figures you can reenact the twinkie scene with. Word has it Mattel is set to launch both a 12 and 6-inch line of actual movie-inspired GB toys... i.e. you will finally be able to own a for-reals Bill Murray action figure. Okay, can you breathe again? Good. Distribution is unclear at this point, but look for them to start showing up on eBay in the late summer.

That's More Like It Guy

With RocknRolla, Guy Ritchie finally returns to the genre he's unfortunately been trying to avoid: The Guy Ritchie Ridiculous Gangster Movie. While not quite as highly stylized as Snatch and Lock Stock, RockNRolla has the good old sprawling plot and absurdly deep cast of comical London street thugs we've come to love and expect from him. Thankfully, he's gotten back to the basics and done away with the contrived psychodrama of Revolver in exchange for the fun, violence, and cockney posturing of his original films. It's a mostly new cast this time around, with Gerard Butler and Stringer Bell stepping in for Jason Statham and Vinnie Jones. The additions of Jeremy Piven and Ludacris seem a bit unnecessary, as do their characters, but unnecessary characters are what Guy Ritchie movies are all about. While RocknRolla doesn't seem to have the freshness of Lock Stock or the over-the-top style of Snatch, it remains a ride worth riding and the promise of a sequel is one worth keeping. (B)

Which Is Cooler?

B-Bot Transformers vs. Battle Damage He-man.

I Do Miss Me Some Deadwood

Bobbleheads and puppets by mister frothee.

At Least We Know How His Lungs Got So Strong

Are There Any Government Officials That Actually DO Pay Their Taxes?

Well, looks like another one bites the dust in the game of Survivor that is the Obama cabinet. Shortly after Obama's nomination for Chief Performance Officer withdrew her name due to undisclosed tax issues, Tom Daschle has also pulled out of his nomination for HHS Secretary because of his own blunders with the IRS. While Timothy Geitner was able to survive his failure to operate Turbo Tax correctly, Daschle's $140,000 in owed back taxes for car service proved his undoing. Apparently he hired Bruce Wayne himself to drive him around in the Batmobile since the tax alone on this shuttle service was in the six figures. I don't know whether all these tax snafu's are coming to the surface because of the high economic scrutiny of the times of the reform of Washington ethics promised by Obama, but if we eliminate every capable public servant because they forgot to check box 34B on page 372C of their 1034EZ or called a receipt for cigs a business expense, Barack may be running this country by himself. It wasn't too long ago Ted Stevens corrupt ass was convicted for failing to report a quarter million in gifts, and that sonuvabitch got reelected to the Senate. We should be so lucky if tax shenanigans are the worst skeletons in the cabinet. At least it's not dead hookers. Just let these people pay what they owe and get on with helping the country. That being said, if you work in mother @#$%ing government, learn how to do your mother @#$%ing taxes. Ass.

Templesmith Obama

From Ben Templesmith's new book, The Presidents Of The United States.

Pretty Dope

Tons more at designboom.

Congratulations Pittsburgh

It was either this or a fat guy with his shirt off.

So Very Dope.

If you like "I Can Read" Kali-Ma-style, check out Spacesick's site for many more superfresh film inspired book cover designs, including pure awesomeness such as Ghostbusters, Back To The Future, and Caddyshack. I really really need these to somehow actually exist.

What... Uh... Huh? Whatever. @#$% It.

Grant Morrison is not a storyteller. Storytellers write comprehensible tales with beginnings, middles, and ends... sometimes even climaxes. Grant Morrison just pukes ideas into a word processor and lets them fall in whatever order they come out of his brain. Therefore, please enjoy the following review of Final Crisis as Grant Morrison himself would have written it: Pure thought diarrhea.

Flex Mentallo 2.0 plus his JLA Darkseid story mashed together with the faintest sprinkle of All-Star Superman. Superman Beyond was only absolutely necessary and nothing makes sense without it. Wait, something makes sense with it? Why not just call it a 9-part series? Or Make Superman Beyond 3 parts. Of course, more than likely, nothing that happened in this mess will actually have any effect on the DCU continuity, especially since the Deus Ex Machina that brought it to an end was Superman simply wishing everything back into existence. As if the story isn't confusing enough, he can't even make things happen in the order they happen. It's just a jumble of snapshots throughout time. Mandrakk the vampire watcher, I mean monitor, is doing what exactly? Captain Carrot. Batman is now a caveman who crashed in Superman's rocket at the beginning of time. More interesting than Secret Invasion, or just more offensive? Started off intriguing... Libra? Was there a point? Apparently Hawkman is dead and Aquaman is back. Who knows? They both happened in one panel. What happens when evil wins? Norman Osborn, whoops, Lex Luthor saves the day. It's like the story you would make up with your action figures as a kid, but you wanted to use toys from different lines so you made up dumb reasons why they were all in the same universe and different sizes. The whole theme of this is that it's a commentary on the power of storytelling. Why not tell an actual story? (D)

At Last... A President Who Understands The Unifying Power Of Booze

Knowing that there isn't a moment to spare in kick-starting the U.S. economy, Barack Obama has turned to the surest form of social lubrication. In order to help get lawmakers on the side of his proposed stimulus package, Obama has invited several key Republicans and Democrats to the White House for a cocktail party. No word on what will be on tap for the event, but I'm guessing it won't be the PBR he had on the campaign trail to out-blue-collar Hillary. No word yet on why this is considered an actual new story. Clearly, I just posted it so I could show a picture of Obama with a beer.

Can A Not Terrible X-Men Cartoon Exist?

Wolverine And The X-men premiered on Nicktoons last week and is actually showing some promise. The character design is a vast improvement from the ugtastic 90's show and fairly consistent with the comic books, as opposed to the not-another-teen toon Evolution versions. The show also avoids the 90's pitfall of trying to throw a whole bunch of classic X-men plots in a blender and push puree. It's set in its own continuity and isn't beholding to convoluted histories. It has a past that hasn't been written yet and a limitless cast of characters from which to draw. Rockslide and Dust are in the first episode for pete's sake. The action direction leaves a little to be desired but seems like it could find itself eventually, though it may never match that of Spectacular Spider-Man. Only time will tell if the Logan-centric series can hold up as more and more mutants are crammed into it, but at least it's off to an acceptable start, looking more JLU than Morph & Jubilee's Variety Hour.

If You Want To Live, You Will Not Watch This Turd

There is no plausible reality in which this movie could be good, nor is there any plausible sense of reality in this movie. The villain is an all-too-obvious Hal 9000 rip-off that lives in a bee-hive underground and can basically do ANYTHING, except anything an actual functional computer does, i.e. use logic whatsoever. A computer is based on pure logic, yet Sexy-Voice-Hal's plan is the most ridiculously convoluted, unnecessary, and inefficient assassination plot ever conceived. The computer wants to take out the president because his bad decision led to the death of fifty or so American citizens, yet her plan to kill him would murder hundreds more, including innocent children. How is that logical? We are to believe this computer can do all of the ridiculous things it orchestrates in the movie, but that it cannot kill the POTUS without involving an entire concert hall full of people and an elementary school band kid's trumpet. This is a computer that can inexplicably take down power lines from thousands of miles away. Seriously, WTF? It's not like the couplings on the electrical towers are connected through the intertubes. Basically, it can control any piece of machinery and 'splode anything it wants, although we later find out it cannot access a convenience store security camera because it's not in its network. Why can't it just blow up the president's laptop or crash Air Force One? There is not one single piece of this disaster of a movie that makes any sense whatsoever. The action is all incomprehensible and unnecessary. Even Rosario Dawson's earth-shattering hotness is misused. A crime alone worth destroying all evidence of this film's horrid existence. (F)

So This Is A T-Shirt Now

Not quite sure whether this is awesome or not awesome (the shirt, not the obviously awesome photo), but 8103's Jordan shirts are unquestionably dope.

Can't Decide Between Silicone Sound Or Teet Beat

Dope mannequin speaker system by Bob Turek. Bass you truly want in your face. (Found on Boing Boing.)

Inaugurated

Peace Out

I May Actually Have To Buy Some LeBrons

They're no Jordan Fusion 3s, but the Zoom LeBron VI Los Angeles Editions are pretty fresh.

Stringer Bell Brings The Game To The Office

That's right, Idris Elba has been cast to appear in six episodes of NBC's "The Office". Apparently he will be some sort of rival to Steve Carell before taking a round in the chest from a Muslim in a bow-tie and a gay man with a shotgun.

Dope

Jay-Z + Radiohead = Jaydiohead

The Best Things Ever From 2008

2008 is officially over and it was quite the year, clocking in at an entire 365 days! There was a lot of not so great in those days, especially if you were a governor or had a 401k, but there were also some bright shining rays of delicious, delicious sun as well. Here's some of the brightest and most appetizing... or at least the ones I can remember off the top of my head.


Sports
There wasn't really too much winning to be happy for in '08, but there was some losing worth celebrating. The three douchiest teams in all of sports suffered humiliation this past year.


3. The Yankees failed to make the playoffs in their legendary stadium's final season.
2. Satan's Lakers were crushed in the finals by the Celtics. (Not that the Celtics are a squad you should ever root for.)
1. The New England Douchebags squandered a perfect regular season by choking on a fat one in the Super Bowl.


Toys
2008 was a good year for the kid in you and a bad one for the kid in your wallet.


3. The Lego Indiana Jones video game was one positive to come from the worst man made disaster in history.
2. Mighty Muggs finally sold me with Mola Ram and Galactus.
1. Super Hero Squad continued to be adorably awesome.


Comics
This year saw a lot of overblown hype and crappy crossovers, but also some more than solid contributions to comic lore.


3. Brubaker and Fraction's Fabled Iron Fist run sadly came to its conclusion.
2. Ditto for Morisson and Quietly's All Star Superman.
1. Brubaker's Captain America continued to make creamy goodness in underoos everywhere.


TV
There wasn't too much to get excited about on the major networks, but coaxial cable delivered some fine programming.


3. Venture Bros. Season 3 was a long awaited return to glory and nozzles.
2. The Colbert Report and The Daily Show provided the finest election coverage a human being or whatever the hell alien Gorlock is could ask for.
1. The Wire series finale ended the all-time greatest run of episodic television.


Movies
Clearly, this was the year of the comic book movie and Robert Downey.


3. Tropic Thunder made my booty sweat and nut bust.
2. Iron Man made me happy to be alive.
1. Dark Knight would have made me cry if I wasn't such a badass.


Music
Pretty unfortunate that in a year with new Roots, Common, and Kanye albums that there's no hip-hop in the top three.


3. Santogold and Diplo's Top Ranking was a mixtape masterpiece.
2. Raphael Saadiq's The Way I See It was a feel-good fantasy.
1. TV On The Radio's Dear Science was purely priceless.


General Awesomeness
And now for the most important not-exactly-pop-culture events of 2008.


3. Jordan Fusion 3's making feet awesomer than ever.
2. The further infiltration of craft beers in American society and the canned beer revolution.
1. iPhone II changing life as we know it.


And of course, the very best thing from 2008...


'Nuff said.