Looks Like Whiskey To Me

New Bears QB, Jay Cutler doing his best Kyle Orton.

Neckbeard No More

The Kyle Orton era is over in Chicago. The Bears traded him and two first round picks today for Denver's even dopier looking and overrated QB, Jay Cutler. No word yet on Cutler's whiskey of choice, but I'm guessing Early Times.

Ashton Kutcher To Learn The Mechanics Of Whiskey Chugging And Neck Beards

That's right, Ashton Kutcher is set to star in a movie about a superstar NFL quarterback who switches bodies with a geeky twelve-year-old and will be learning the basics of QB-ing from none other than Chicago's finest, Kyle Orton. At the very least, Kyle will be able to give some pointers on having out-of-body experiences. Meanwhile, Rex Grossman will be advising Kutcher on how to behave like a twelve-year-old. It's all in the hands.

The NFL Abridged: Week 7

Whoops. Guess I forgot to write about week seven. That's ok, there's only one thing you need to know. Kyle Jack Mother @#$%ing Daniels Orton.

Behold...

The shiny beam of glimmering hope that shall save us all from the wickedness that is Rex Grossman!

The Return

That's right folks, the NFL's 2007 kickoff is just one day away. The Colts will look to make martyrs of the Saints at 8:30 pm EST on NBC Thursday night as they start their bid to repeat as Super Bowl champs. Meanwhile, the Bears will tear through LT's house on Sunday afternoon as they face off against the overrated Chargers. While San Diego and New England are going into the season as everybody's favorites to win, everybody is clearly a douche bag. The Bears have relatively the same squad, with little competition in the pathetic NFC, and the Colts may have questions on the defensive end, but no more so then they did last year. Look forward to a Super Bowl rematch, but hopefully with a less drunk Rex Grossman... or heaven forbid Kyle "Jack Daniels Is My Lifeblood" Orton.