The Boston Celtics: The Next Team To Be As Disappointing As The 03-04 Lakers

Besides ruining all three of their stars' fantasy value, Boston's acquisition of Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen is sure to break a lot of hearts in Boston. As soon as the trigger was pulled on the KG deal, Donnie Wahlberg was on First Take declaring a certain championship. When this team loses in the first or second round of the playoffs with no future hope in sight, we'll all be declaring the entire Boston fan base deceased. When are people going to learn that throwing a bunch of desperate to win, aging superstars on the same team never works? It didn't for Malone, Payton, and the Lakers, and it didn't for Barkley and the Rockets. Sure, in the Eastern conference it may work in the regular season, but come the post season, these guys will get torn to shreds at the point guard position, which coincidentally is once again the most important position in the NBA. Who are they going to start? Rajon Rondo? Chauncey Billups and Jason Kidd will give these guys fits, and with Chicago and Cleveland continuing to improve, the Celtics will have trouble getting that Conference Championship they've already been anointed. Pierce, Allen, and KG's personalities may mix well, but with a supporting cast of Brian Scalabrine and Kendrick Perkins, they won't be getting sized for rings any time soon.

North Smacks Up South With Traditional Wackiness; South To Surrender At Appomattox

The Chicago Cubs swept their crosstown rival White Sox with a 3-0 win yesterday. Of course, the series could not be complete without possibly the most bonkerific play of the year. In the eighth inning, an apparent double play run down due to dip@#$% running by Felix Pie was called back due to dip@#$% baserunner interference by Juan Uribe. The Wizard of Oz was tossed and the Cubs scored on a sacrifice. Meanwhile, Alfonso Soriano homered in all three games, continuing to earn his forty-two billion dollar paycheck. After the game, White Sox manager Ken Williams stated, "Something's got to happen. I'm tired of watching this." He then went on to resign Michael Jordan and Bo Jackson, trade Mark Buehrle to Cleveland for Charlie Sheen, give up Dye and Konerko for Andruw Jones and a pack of Zig-Zags, and talk more @#$% about Frank Thomas.

The Large Mammal Gets Shafted

The stage for drama was set early Saturday morning when Derrek Lee got tossed for throwing a haymaker after Chris "The Bitch" Young smashed him with a dirty pitch (in apparent retaliation for Soriano showboating in the last game). After a benches clearing brawl, Carlos Zambrano went on to throw a no-no through seven, even helping his own cause with some amazing fielding. Unfortunately, Marcus Giles hit a piece of poop chopper over the mound for an infield single in the eighth. The only actual run Z gave up during his complete game was a solo homer to Branyan in the ninth. Of course, without their best hitter, the Cubs were unable to overcome even the most pathetic of leads, sporting a goose egg in the run column as the disastrous game came to a close.

The Many Faces Of Spider-Man

Here's a preview of the first page of my never ending quest to digitally doodle the faces of every Spider-Man character ever.

By Me

The Pain Will All Be Over Soon

The unwatchable, mind-numbing mess that is the NBA finals will conclude tonight with the fourth and final walloping of the Cleveland LeBrons. While I will be glad to be rid of the pathetic boredom that has become the playoffs, it is sad to reflect back on how this all started. The joy and excitement that the Bulls, Suns, and Warriors brought to the opening rounds actually made the NBA worth watching, if only for a fleeting moment. And now we are left with the sad realization that the Spurs have indeed become a dynasty. Not one that rivals Chicago, Boston, or even the laughable Lakers, mind you, but certainly one that has grown to be just as annoying as those bastard Patriots and their "play the right way" attitude. Screw playing the right way. I want to see players who care. Players with passion. Not Rasheed Wallace cranky baby passion. More like Reggie Miller vs. Spike Lee choking passion. But maybe passion isn't just isn't your thing. In that case, be sure to tune in at 9pm eastern to watch the least impressive championship win in NBA history.

Those Whacky Cubs

They've got quality pitchers. They've got quality hitters. They've got the big name manager. They're seven games under .500 in the craptastical National League. A couple of weeks ago they were actually averaging more runs than their competition and still losing the majority of their games. They've got three starting pitchers not named Z with ERAs under 4.00 and over 200 innings pitched and they're still losing the majority of their games. On the upside, after Sweet Lou got suspended and Zambrano fed dirty knuckles to his own catcher, the Cubs have won three of their last four and the large mammal is starting to look like his former self. He even hit two singles yesterday. Oh, also, they've finally developed the technology to transplant the brains of Prior and Wood into indestructible titanium bodies. Only they'll be in the stomach of the bodies. Like Krang from Ninja Turtles.