Seven

Let's Hope Karma Has Our Back Tonight

Just to recap, Rajon "Bitchmove" Rondo slugs Brad Miller in the mouth, knocks him so silly he can't hit his game tying free throws, and doesn't get a flagrant called. Meanwhile, in Orlando, Dwight Howard swings a dainty elbow that barely brushes Samuel Dalembert and gets suspended a game. I better see Aaron Gray take a tire iron to Rondo in the top of the second.

Expletive Expletive Expletive

Ok, so the Cubs are now officially in trouble, and the premature benching of Zambrano is looking more and more nitwitish. Chicago now has to win three games in a row against the surging Diamondback or be tossed from the playoffs. As if their post-season fizzling wasn't depressing enough, I had to wake up to the asinine ESPN's First Take and listen to Mr. 756 AKA Mike "Douchetard" Bacsik criticizing the fact that Ted Lilly threw his mitt on the ground after giving up a home run. This coming from the guy who was clearly more than happy to let Barry Bonds get the all time record breaking dinger off him, thus solidifying years of exposure and commentator jobs. Bacsik went so far as to say that Lilly acted like a ten-year-old when he tossed the glove in anger. Well, excuse me @#$%wad. Some people who play sports are actually competitive and passionate about what they do. Some people don't like to give up homers to get on TV and in the record books. You, Mr. Bacsik, are a whore. You have no right to criticize anyone for showing an emotion other than dimwitted jolliness. Just because you like to bend over and let Barry shove his steroid shrunken penis up the @$$ of baseball history doesn't mean other people need to smile and give someone a high-five for violating their anus. Eat a @#$% Mike.

The Pain Will All Be Over Soon

The unwatchable, mind-numbing mess that is the NBA finals will conclude tonight with the fourth and final walloping of the Cleveland LeBrons. While I will be glad to be rid of the pathetic boredom that has become the playoffs, it is sad to reflect back on how this all started. The joy and excitement that the Bulls, Suns, and Warriors brought to the opening rounds actually made the NBA worth watching, if only for a fleeting moment. And now we are left with the sad realization that the Spurs have indeed become a dynasty. Not one that rivals Chicago, Boston, or even the laughable Lakers, mind you, but certainly one that has grown to be just as annoying as those bastard Patriots and their "play the right way" attitude. Screw playing the right way. I want to see players who care. Players with passion. Not Rasheed Wallace cranky baby passion. More like Reggie Miller vs. Spike Lee choking passion. But maybe passion isn't just isn't your thing. In that case, be sure to tune in at 9pm eastern to watch the least impressive championship win in NBA history.

Apparently LeBron Might Actually Be OK After All

48 points (on 55% shooting), 9 rebounds, 7 assists, and 2 steals against Detroit in game five of the Eastern Conference Finals. He scored his team's last 25 points and repeatedly dunked over the entire Piston squad on his way to going up 3-2 in the series. BUT, he needed two overtimes to do it and he didn't even have the flu. Close, but no Michael.

The LeBrons Make Me Kind Of Sort Of Almost Care... Almost

Last night, The Fightin' Brons evened the Eastern Conference Finals at two games a piece against the Detroit Dickheads, threatening to make the excruciatingly boring playoffs somewhat interesting again. While my hatred for the Pistons is well documented, I'm still not sure if this is a good thing. Now we'll have to be subjected to 467 interviews with Sheed and company explaining that they have yet to bring their A game in this series. I have yet to see a sports team more disrespectful of their competition. Detroit, you are capable of being beaten. Everybody's played with that guy at the playground who pretends he wasn't trying every time he loses, even though he sure seemed to care about the game when he was complaining about every call and shoving you out of frustration. No one wants to hear it. Also, in case you haven't noticed, this is the Conference Finals. Do you honestly want to be telling your fans that you aren't really trying hard, even though you makes ass tons of cash to do just that? If I hear one more comment about the Pistons "turning on their switch when it counts" I'm going to beat myself retarded with a sock full of oranges. Oh, and here's a funny picture of Rasheed Wallace.