The NFL Abridged: Week II (Now New And Improved With Scores!)

(HOU 34 - CAR 21) Houston is undefeated. Also, cats and dogs are living together... mass hysteria. By the way, Steve Smith is some sort of mutant superhero.

(CIN 45 - CLE 51) Looks like we won't be seeing Mr. Quinn anytime soon, which is a shame, because the NFL could really use an openly gay quarterback other than Jeff Garcia. And how about the sudden resurrection of Jamal "Jail-Time" Lewis and Chad Johnson causing massive beer wastage?

(IND 22 - TEN 20) Waaay to close for comfort and Vince Young was a whiny b#$% in this one. On the bright side, Gonzalez seems like everything he was cracked up to be.

(NO 14 - TB 31) Looks like this week's USC karma has caught Reggie Bush. Time for a steady diet of Deuce, since Senior Skidmark isn't getting the job done in the air. And how about Joey Galloway? Forty-seven years old and he's running off 135 with two end zone flexes.

(SF 17 - STL 16) The 49ers being undefeated isn't quite as surprising as the Texans, but the Steelers will demolish them next week.

(BUF 3 - PIT 26) Fast Willie is still fast. Jeff Reed is still ridiculous.

(GB 35 - NYG 13) Green Bay is also unbeaten, but how long will it be until Brett Favre is caught shooting Cialis into his biceps?

(ATL 7 - JAC 13) Couldn't care less.

(SEA 20 - ARI 23) See above. Although, the Cards did finally win a close one.

(DAL 37 - MIA 20) Looks like T.O. was right about drafting him to your fantasy team. He already has 184 yards and three TDs.

(MIN 17 - DET 20) Yet another surprisingly 2-0 team in the Lions. I'm not quite ready to go with Kitna's ten win prediction but that dude is like the Tasmanian Devil combined a train wreck combined with Joe Swanson from Family Guy.

(OAK 20 - DEN 23) Josh McCown threw for 73 yards and three picks Sunday. They may want to throw Double Stuff Dante in there before some GWAR reject bites his head off.

(KC 10 - CHI 20) Sex Cannon still sucks, but Benson seems to be coming along and Berrian can catch a football. Oh yeah, and Devin Hester is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen that doesn't have boobies.

(NYJ 13 - BAL 20) Both backup QBs did aight in this one, but you know Mangenius is gonna throw Chad Pussington back in there next week. They really should just wear pink uniforms in New York. Both teams.

(SD 14 - NE 38) The Patriots are really trying to be @$$hats at this point. After the game, Tom Brady called Belichick the greatest coach of all time and Tedy Bruschi said it was their most satisfying win ever. I don't think I've ever seen a team of more arrogant jerk-off douchebags in my lifetime. They even beat out Leinart's USC team and the Yankees, and come close to topping the Shaq and Kobe Lakers. Ugh. I want to throw up.

(WAS 20 - PHI 12) I'm not ready to call Donovan washed up... just overrated from the start. In all fairness though, his receivers dropped a couple game changers on Monday night. Philly definitely can't blame anything on Westbrook. Dude ran for 96 and caught for 66.