Lagunitas Wilco Tango Foxtrot

"A Malty Robust Jobless Recovery Ale" is a pretty accurate description of this one. Lagunitas classifies this velvety, deep and dark brew as an imperial brown, which isn't a style you see around too often. It's got a piney scent with a raisiny, malty, brown sugary taste and has a nice bite to the apple and hops tinged finish. It's something like a sweeter, prunier Newcastle with a splash more booze and hops. It's probably not the type of girl you'd usually date, but she's fairly unique and generous enough where it matters to give her a whirl. (B+)

Ninkasi Tricerahops Double IPA

I'm not sure what Ninkasi, the ancient Sumerian goddess of beer would think of this one. When hops is in the name of a beer, especially a west coast beer, it gives the intrepid drinker a certain set of expectations that, when not lived up to, leave one with a limp sense of satisfaction, no matter what other qualities the brew may posses. When checking around the web, people seem to think the Tricerahops is super hoppy, so perhaps I got a bad bottle or they changed the recipe, because this should be called Maltasaurus instead. Don't get me wrong, it's not terrible, it's just not a Double IPA. It's more something like a strongish amber or one of the fruitier midwest IPAs. It has very little hop aroma and a pruney, earthy, low alcohol taste with an almost strawberry finish. It pours darker than you would think and fills your mouth with a bready, caramel mouthful of confusion. If you're in the mood for a fairly tasty malt bomb, this is a solid B+ and much better than their also overambitiously named Total Domination IPA. It may not be all that shabby of a beer, it just doesn't live up to the billing. Kind of like hooking up with a Seinfeld style Russian gymnast. (B-)

Stone 14th Anniversary Emperial IPA

Stone's 14th is their version of an old school English IPA and uses all British ingredients in its creation. But don't get it twisted, it still belongs with the San Diego brewery's line of left coast hop bombs. It's a crisp and citrusy way to cut the summer sun with a dry bitter bite that's more refreshing than harsh. It's peppery, yeasty and slightly fruity flavors mask the almost 9% ABV well. If it's English, it seems to have lost its accent and picked up some sass, not that I'm complaining. You're basically getting a slightly stuffy British chick that moved to Southern California and started modeling her new life after a Katy Perry song... but in a good way. (A-)

Caldera Rauch Ür Bock

This autumnal treat brings a burst of porky smoke to your palette. it's surprisingly light for a beer that puts a campfire in your mouth, and in truth could probably use a little more meat on its bones to match that in its flavor. It has a thin head atop its thin but creamy body and a brown sugary sweetness that balances the woody smoke, creating the sensation of caramel covered burnt bacon... but a light appetizer version of caramel covered burnt bacon. Overall, it's a delightful taste of October to accompany your next sensual sleeping bag session with a girl that's unique enough to almost be exactly what you want if she just had a little bit more "substance". (B+)

Reed Richards' Crotch Wants A Closer Look...

It Was Only A Matter Of Time...

Mobile Organism Designed Only for Kuteness. (Although this really should have been one of the big ones and come paired with a bucket-head AIM scientist.)

Resetting...

Seven

Let's Hope Karma Has Our Back Tonight

Just to recap, Rajon "Bitchmove" Rondo slugs Brad Miller in the mouth, knocks him so silly he can't hit his game tying free throws, and doesn't get a flagrant called. Meanwhile, in Orlando, Dwight Howard swings a dainty elbow that barely brushes Samuel Dalembert and gets suspended a game. I better see Aaron Gray take a tire iron to Rondo in the top of the second.

So This Exists Now

That's right, ESPN finally recognized and gave Chicago its own homepage.

Looks Like Whiskey To Me

New Bears QB, Jay Cutler doing his best Kyle Orton.

Dye And Konerko Play Dueling 300's

Both Jermaine Dye and Paul Konerko hit their 300th home runs yesterday in a 10-6 win over the Detroit Tigers. Not only did they reach the milestone in the same game, but in consecutive at bats, with Konerko following up Dye's second inning dinger with one of his own. The game also saw the loss of Dewayne Wise to a separated shoulder. Jerry Owens will take his place in center, but if things don't work out, the Sox resigned legendary hot-wife-haver Scott Podsednik to a minor-league deal as insurance.

Neckbeard No More

The Kyle Orton era is over in Chicago. The Bears traded him and two first round picks today for Denver's even dopier looking and overrated QB, Jay Cutler. No word yet on Cutler's whiskey of choice, but I'm guessing Early Times.

Colbert

By Me.

Who Watches The Hostess Fruit Pies?

Presidential Trouble by Elan’ Rodger Trinidad

New Avengers #50, Now Featuring Three Panels Of Girl On Girl Strap-On Action

By the way, just once, it would be nice if Bendis could end a giant fight without some ridiculous and contrived deus ex machina that has no right to work, and even if it did, would have been used before the fight even started, saving everyone a whole lot of hassle.

Cut

Well, that was fun while it lasted.

In Case You Forgot, Kobe Bryant Is An @$$hole

Must be nice when every referee in the NBA wants to suck your @#$%.

Drake's Denogginizer

A quick whiff of a freshly poured glass of this Imperial IPA will fill your nose with dew coated grass and a cool tropical breeze. Its color is solid amber and it holds a creamy white head that leads the way to an easy drinking yet flavorful brew. It's more reminiscent of a barleywine than an IPA and its blend of fruitiness gives it a significantly east coast vibe. The taste doesn't quite live up to the initial smell that seems to disguise a light malty funkiness. Another helping of hops would definitely serve this beer well, as in true Drake's tradition it slightly misses the bulls-eye. It feels like a fairly decent NYC chick transplanted to LA who falls into the unfortunate trap of the latest hipster fashions and dampens what hotness she has with stretch pants, skinny headbands, and slotted sunglasses. I mean, you'd totally still do her, but not quite as enthusiastically as you'd like. She probably won't notice though, cuz you totally remind her of that dude from MGMT. (B+)

Ashton Kutcher To Learn The Mechanics Of Whiskey Chugging And Neck Beards

That's right, Ashton Kutcher is set to star in a movie about a superstar NFL quarterback who switches bodies with a geeky twelve-year-old and will be learning the basics of QB-ing from none other than Chicago's finest, Kyle Orton. At the very least, Kyle will be able to give some pointers on having out-of-body experiences. Meanwhile, Rex Grossman will be advising Kutcher on how to behave like a twelve-year-old. It's all in the hands.