Reggie Miller Likes The Asians

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The Shaq And Penny Show Returns To The FLA

Better dust off that copy of Blue Chips because Anfernee Hardaway has signed with the Miami Heat, reuniting him with the Big Diesel, who has been less than supportive of Penny in the past. In case you're keeping track, Hardaway hasn't played a game since November of 2005. This now brings the average age of the Heat to 57 and increases their 'washed-up' factor exponentially. If Payton actually returns alongside Hardaway, Shaq, and Zo it'll basically be VH1's "I Love The 90's", only somehow, even sadder. Maybe they can convince Grand Mama to come out of retirement. And it's not like White Chocolate Williams and Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Walker are spring chickens either. They were at their primes at the same time as Monica Lewinsky. Of course, not to be outdone, the Knicks may actually resign Allan Houston, becoming the first NBA team to have a real life paraplegic on their team. This dude was parking in handicap spots when I was watching Darkwing Duck. Man, that Launchpad McQuack could fly anything. And speaking of retro man crushes, that whole Reggie Miller thing is just a nasty rumor started by Larry Bird to distract Indiana fans from the fact that he's about to trade Jermaine O'Neal for Andrew Bynum and his wireless Guitar Hero controller.

Tears Of A Hoosier

Today we mourn a great sports tragedy... and I'm not referring to the PIllsbury Roid Boy breaking Hank Aaron's record. I'm referring to the fact that one of Indiana's greatest heroes will be signing up to join the horror show that will be the 07-08 Boston Celtics. That's right folks, Scot Pollard will be wearing the evil emerald next season. Pollard may be best known for his glory days of six points and seven rebounds per game in Sacramento, but he truly touched the hearts of Pacers' fans as well in those all-too-short three seasons he wore the blue and gold. It's true, he took his bombastic samurai follicle art and Asian wife to Central Division rival Cleveland last year, but a defection to the gangrenous shamrock shooters is something else entirely. Does anyone really think Boston will have the cultural palate to truly appreciate Scot's magnificent sideburns? I say no, America. No. Even J.O.'s desire to join Satan's Lakers doesn't sting as much as this. Beelzebub can have his oft injured, always whining soul. His double-doubles will feel great till he leaves his kneecap at half court during the fifth game of the season. But Scot? Scot was a living intangible, a circus worth of personality painting the hardwood with hard work and hilarity for two and a half minutes a night. Why, the only Pacer icon that could top this wondrously coifed caveman has to be Reggie MIller himself. Wait... what's that? Read what article? That Baraka-looking bastard. Somebody hand me my Pippen jersey.