The NFL Abridged: Week V

(MIA 19 - HOU 22) The flopping Dolphins still have yet to win a game, but if Ricky Williams comes back people may actually talk about them on TV.

(JAC 17 - KC 7) The Chiefs only score came with no time left in an already decided game and LJ continues to stab Fantasy owners in the soul, racking up twelve whole yards on the ground.

(CLE 17 - NE 34) The Douchingtons failed to score 38 and Randy Moss didn't get a touchdown. Also, Tom Brady ate a piece of poo. There's some sort of humble pie thing going on as well.

(CAR 16 - NO 13) Boilermaker's Disease kills.

(NYJ 24 - NYG 35) Yankees suck.

(SEA 0 - PIT 21) Big Ben and company got back on track, despite the injuries, by taking absolute control of time and space against the Latte Lovers.

(ARI 34 - STL 31) What a great week for USC fans! And as an added bonus, we all may soon once again be enjoying the Bart Simpson styled hair of Mrs. Warner.

(DET 3 - WAS 34) Jason Campbell and Washington are starting to look legit and Antwaan Randle El filled in well for Moss before his hamstring injury.

(ATL 13 - TEN 20) Shockingly, a QB controversy is starting to build in Atlanta. Vince Young didn't look so hot either, tossing three picks and no scores.

(TB 14 - IND 33) Missing three of its key players, the Blue Horse still steamrolled the Peg Legs, with backup tailback Kenton Keith picking up 121 yards and two touchdowns. Due to their week six bye, Harrison, Addai, and Sanders will get an extra week of rest before taking on the Jags. Of course, everyone in the media is still giving handjobs to the Patriots.

(SD 41 - DEN 3) Denver's defense is shockingly awful and their offense may loose Travis "High Sperm Count" Henry to the sticky icky. Meanwhile, LT continues to look more like Clark Kent than the man in tights.

(BAL 9 - SF 7) Dilfer vs. McNair was exactly the high-scoring clash of titans you would expect from these seasoned gunslingers.

(CHI 27 - GB 20) I'm not sure how it happened, but the Bears somehow took down the previously undefeated Packers. Five turnovers helped, but Favre still had a chance to tie at the end with his Hail Mary chuck. After the game, Lovie Smith actually uttered the words, "We liked our quarterback play."

(DAL 25 - BUF 24) WTF? Seriously, WTF? Howdy Doody turned the ball over six times! Six! Two of his interceptions were for touchdowns and Buffalo even ran back a kickoff. Yet somehow, the Boys stay unbeaten for one more week.