@#$% The NBA

The San Antonio Spurs' status as David Stern's favorite sons have made any playoff series they are in utterly unwatchable. Between the phantom tripping calls, physics-bending out of bounds possession calls, and that horrendous hack-a-shaq strategy that should have been outlawed years ago, the Spurs game five victory over the Suns was a vomit-inducing debacle. You'd think with last summer's referee scandal, Stern would learn his lesson and stop forcing the officials to crown Tim Duncan king, no matter what really happens on the court. You'd think after last year's Spurs-Suns travesty garnered so much attention, he'd let them play this one fairly... especially when the Spurs went up 3-0. Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly no huge Suns fan, and I've never liked O'Neal, but I am a fan of fair basketball. And that's not what we got last night. We got Tim Duncan tripping over his own two feet and Shaq getting sent to the bench with his fifth foul, leaving no one to defend the alleged g.o.a.t. power forward who scored at will down the stretch. We get Tony Parker's pussy-whipped bitch ass stumbling down the lane a full five feet in front of Amare and somehow getting a call. The NBA has become a league where only the kiss-ass can survive. How can you expect to win a playoff series when Duncan, Kobe, and LeBron get every whistle and have the power to travel at will? Only Chris Paul or Atlanta can save these playoffs now. @#$% it, there's a Cubs game on.

Tomorrow

Beer Is For Drinking

Avrey's Maharaja Imperial IPA
This bombastic Bengali brew is far from bashful, boasting a bold orange hue and a strong hop flavor. It is creamy, yet carbonated, and less citrusy than your average IPA, instead giving more attention to the often ignored malty beer backbone. The wicked 9.7% ABV has this refreshing concoction bordering on barley wine status. If you're in need of a release, this Tantric Yoga enthusiast will twist your body into a pretzel and ride your chakra wheel till it blows. (A)

The Quick Stack

Mighty Avengers #12
Sometimes Bendis just doesn't suck. (A)

Uncanny X-Men #497
Getting better, but this hippie nonsense better have a payoff. (A-)

X-Force #3
Well there's some folks we haven't seen in a while. How many lame villains does it take to make an interesting story? (B)

Ultimate Spider-Man #121
Just fine. Don't like JJ without the Hitler though. (B)

Batman #675
Good, simple story for Morrison but I just can't get behind the 90's art. (B)

Checkmate #25
Awww, they're so hardcore but they still care about the children. Saptastic, but entertaining. (B)

JLA #20
Nice to see McDuffie actually get to write an issue. Kind of boring though. (B-)

Ms. Marvel #26
Obvious... obvious... don't care. (C)

Hulk #3
Well, that green Hulk mystery didn't last long. And why is Rick Jones made out of tire tread? (D)

Young Avengers Presents #4
Barforama. (F)

'Nuff Said

Barack Is Down With The Cream And Crimson

Do the right thing Indiana. Show those punks in PA the Hoosiers won't take orders from no pant suit wearin' lady.

Chicago Sports Update

Nearly cut Cubs backup shortstop, Ronny Cedeno spouted off his mouth this week about the team's World Series chances and took it back just in time to hit a grand slam in Chicago's 8-1 victory over the Mets Tuesday. Hopefully the possible jinx of his loose lips has been avoided and the Cubs can hold onto their Central division lead for longer than a week.

Things didn't go as well for the Southsiders yesterday as a Bobby Abreu grand slam gave the match to the Yankee$. The White Sox, however, still have a 1.5 game lead over the Twins in the AL Central.

As for the Bears, Chicago's football team is currently in a ugly contract face-off with the face of their franchise. Brian Urlacher apparently wants more money or to be traded or to retire. The retirement thing is probably a rumor and it's most likely Brian's agents that are causing most of the jibber-jabber, unless of course that syphilis he got from Paris Hilton has finally eroded his brain.

And finally, the only way the Bulls could make news during the NBA playoffs is through their mascot. Benny the Bull is actually being sued by some jackass doctor for a high-five gone awry that somehow caused him to need surgery and miss four months of work. Society sucks.

Well @#$%

Apparently I now have the same Flash t-shirt as not only some nerd on some nerdy TV show, but also as T.O. in a Bang Bros video. Looks like Matt Leinart's driving the jizz-jeep as well.

Beer Is For Drinking

Ballast Point's Sculpin IPA
Don't let the ugly ass fish on the bottle fool you. This is one beautiful brew. The citrus flavor is so powerful they should serve this one out of a grapefruit rind. It possesses a relaxing, almost tropical feel. It is light in texture and color; golden, radiant, and highly carbonated. Its sweet sugared hops and crisp floral notes perfectly balance its 7% ABV. The Sculpin IPA is much like the bubbly blonde co-ed you meet on a cruise with your family, when you're underage, who ushers you into manhood, but in a sweet way, not all angry dominatrix-like. And yes, I know that's from an American Dad episode. (A+)

The Quick Stack

Captain America #37
You know the drill by now. Oh, and this one gets the Hawkeye bump. (A+)

Iron Man #28
Now that's what I'm talking about. The Mandarin saga finally comes to an end in awesome fashion. And by awesome fashion, I'm referring to the red and silver Iron Man suit. (A)

Incredible Hercules #116
I was really enjoying this issue till the Skrull head showed up. They just don't seem to fit with the whole god mythology, but we'll see what happens. (A)

Avengers: The Initiative #11
That Slapstick is one sinister bastard. And did I miss the part where War Machine became a cyborg? Wikipediaing.... No, didn't think so. (A-)

Powers Annual #1
Disappointing lack of boobies and monkey tang in the return to the caveman / barbarian Walkerverse. (B+)

Amazing Spider-Man #557
Meh. (C)

Wolverine Origins #24
Any little good parts about this whole Deadpool story line were flushed down the crapper once Logan's goth son showed up. (B- for the first ten pages, D for the rest)

The Quick (And Short) Stack

Wolverine #64
Apparently I need to read Scalped, because Jason Aaron's run on Wolverine is the most captivating Logan story I've read in years. Also, Mystique is naked with a bunch of guns at the end. (A)

Fantastic Four #556
Well, this book has definitely left boring territory for this issue. I'm not exactly sure how a big robot is supposed to beat down every super hero in the Marvel universe. I don't think Millar knows either. That's why there's a bunch of snow covering all the action. (A)

Green Lantern Corps #23
That's more like it. No more boring Boodika bull@#$%. (A)

Last Defenders #2
Meh. Moving too slow to call good, but it's not bad. (B-)

Amazing Spider-Man #556
Sigh. It must be snow day at Marvel. As if Chris Barfelo's art isn't hard enough to understand without white blobs covering most of it. This guy should only be allowed to draw nightmare sequences. The story isn't terrible, but in all of this BND stuff, I have yet to see a reason Spidey couldn't be married to tell these half-assed stories with half-baked "new and exciting" villains. Just because you get rid of MJ doesn't mean you have to get rid of the greatest rogues gallery in all of comics. (That's right, Batman only has like three good villains.) @#$% it, I'm going to go watch the first five episodes of Spectacular again. (D)

RIP Iron Fist

It is official. As of issue 17, Matt Fraction and Ed Brubaker will no longer be writing Immortal Iron Fist. David Aja will also leave the series to make way for the guy who drew Ares. The new writer will be some Polish guy who's writing that horrible new Cable series. This follows the news that Warren Ellis will also be wrapping up his run on Thunderbolts. Uncanny and Astonishing X-men better be good.

Baseball Begins, Chicago Picks Up Where They Left Off... Losing

Both the Cubs and ChiSox lost close ones on opening day. The Sox put in a valiant seven run comeback effort behind a pair of Thome home runs, but were screwed by the umps and gave up three runs in the bottom of the eighth to lose in Cleveland. Meanwhile, newcomer Kosuke Fukudome was almost the hero at Wrigley, smacking a three run homer in the bottom of the ninth to tie the game after Wood bungled the save. Unfortunately, a Tony Gwynn sac fly gave the Brewers the win in the tenth.

Indiana University Basketball Now Officially A Giant Steaming Pile Of @#$%

The only two Hoosier starters expected to return to the IU basketball team next season have been thrown off the team by interim tyrant Dan Dakich. Armon Bassett and Jamarcus Ellis were apparently dismissed for failing to attend an appointment with the temporary coach as well as the 6 am run that was meant as punishment for the infraction. With DJ White graduating and Eric Gordon almost certainly going pro, this leaves Indiana with about six players and an even harder task of convincing a quality coach to take over this disaster... and they desperately need a quality coach. Dakich cannot be allowed to destroy this team any further. Why the @#$% does an interim coach have the ability to dismiss players in the first place? Dickich is obviously abusing the only real power he'll have in his miserable life while he has it. Only a douche like him could lose in the first round of both the Big Ten and NCAA tournament with such a talented roster. There's a reason none of the players wanted him in the top spot. Somebody run this bald motherless @#$% out of Bloomington as soon as possible.