The NFL Abridged: Week 3

Jags 23 - Colts 21
@#$%. On the plus side, the last time the Jaguars demolished the Colts' run defense that badly, Indy won the Super Bowl.

Peg Legs 27 - Bears 24
Double @#$%. And that unnecessary roughness call was ass.

Chiefs 14 - Falcons 38
Say goodbye to Thigpen and hello again to Huard. Then goodbye again to Huard.

Raiders 23 - Bills 24
Al Davis is old.

Bengals 23 - G-Men 26
Still nothing of note from Ocho Cinco.

Dolphins 38 - Douche Bags 13
Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown!
(In case you did not know, Ronnie Brown is on my fantasy team.)

Texans 12 - Titans 31
Don't leave Vince Young alone. Ever.

Cards 17 - Skins 24
Campbell is starting to get his @#$% together. Still won't get out of that division though.

Panthers 10 - Vikings 20
Gus Frerotte is the answer. Really.

Saints 32 - Broncos 34
Another questionable call, another Denver win.

Lions 13 - Miners 31
The Lions are not a good football team.

Rams 13 - Starbucks 37
Julius Jones was at least one good thing to come out of Notre Dame last weekend.

Steelers 6 - Eagles 15
No Westbrook, no win next week.

Browns 10 - Barksdales 28
Stir up the echoes, Quinn is coming.

Stars 27 - Packers 16
We live in an unfortunate world where the Cowboys are good once again.

Jets 29 - Bolts 48
Utter demolition, but entertaining demolition.

I Guess Diddy And I Have More In Common Than I Ever Could Have Thought

Coming Soon To A Fridge Near Me

The NFL Abridged: Week 2

Titans 24 - Bengals 7
The tale of two crumbling quarterbacks.

Bills 20 - Jags 16
Apparently there are players on the Bills who are good. You've just never heard of them or didn't know they were on the Bills.

Gwar 23 - Arrowheads 8
This McFadden Fellow may be something after all. Oh wait, he was playing the Chiefs. And whatever happened to Grandmama 2?

Colts 18 - Vikings 15
Yikes. That was a close one. We need the mustache ride back.

Bears 17 - Panthers 20
@#$%. And now Hester's hurt too.

Cheeseheads 48 - Kitty Cats 25
The Lions are not a good football team.

Giants 41 - Rams 13
Eli is not scurred of the Williams sisters.

Saints 24 - Skins 29
Chris Cooley is taking his team's nickname a little too literally.

Falcons 9 - Booty Plunderers 24
Garcia may have lost his job, but he still has a hot hot beard.

Gold Miners 33 - Starbucks 30
J.T. O'Sullivan is in desperate need of a nickname... J-Toast, J-To, Minivan, Third String Sullivan... Man, this is harder than I thought.

Douchebags 19 - Jets 10
Really Mangini? Really?

Bolts 38 - Lucky Ass Broncos 39
Yeah, that was pretty terrible.

Fins 10 - Cards 31
Kurt Warner will never die.

Steelers 10 - Browns 6
Come on Anderson, just go all Vince Young for a couple weeks.

Eagles 37 - Jessica Simpsons 41
Yay for touchdowns! Defense is for girls!

Obama

(By David Choe)

Zambrano-no!

And I don't want to hear any more @#$% about how the Astros were distracted by Ike and Miller Park is basically a home field for the Cubs. The mammal is large and he destroyed my fantasy team.

Particle Accelerator Tested, Reality Still Exists

Scientists in Switzerland fired up the Large Hadron Collider today and the Earth was not eaten by black holes as many predicted. The Collider is the largest particle accelerator in the world and was a steal at $9 billion dollars. It basically sends a bunch of protons around an underground tunnel in order to unlock the secrets of the universe. Hmm... shooting tiny things down a tunnel to unlock the reason for being... I think I just figured it out for free. Big Hadron hasn't actually collided anything yet and will begin particle smashing in the next couple months, so all of existence isn't in the clear yet. There is speculation that the L.H.C. could create tiny black holes (that are hopefully too small for the whole planet swallowing thing and instead lead to Narnia or Wonderland) or the ever elusive dark matter that combines with Topher Grace to form Spider-Man's arch nemesis Venom.

Put Lipstick On Your Very Own Pig Doll!

Now you can own America's number one hockey milf with real redneck rifle action grip! And when you really need to bust out the big guns, there's Sarah Palin Super Hero Action Figure with Pentecostal pistol pouch strapped to her baby spitting birthing hips. Abort this liberals! HeroBuilders.com also offers Beach Blanket Obama and Plush John McCain.

The NFL Abridged: Week 1

Skins 7 - Giants 16
The Super Bowl champs' highly publicized losses on defense didn't stop them from going 1-0. More importantly, four-foot-tall IU alum, Antwaan Randle El led the Redskins in receiving.

Bengals 10 - Ravens 17
At long last, the official debut of Ocho Cinco... and he caught one pass for 22 yards.

Jets 20 - Dolphins 14
Apparently that obscure guy they got from Green Bay can still throw balls. Also, @#$% Ronnie Brown.

Chiefs 10 - Douchebags 17
Karma = Bitch.

Texans 17 - Steelers 38
Willie Parker already has one more touchdown than all of last year. Also, @#$% Ronnie Brown.

Jags 10 - Titans 17
Vince Young = The new Britney Spears.

Lions 21 - Atlanta 34
One pass, one touchdown in the first sequence of the Matt Ryan era.

Pirates 20 - Saints 24
I guess Kim Kardashian's ass contains the key to not sucking at football.

Rams 3 - Eagles 38
Yep, the Rams are still terrible and McNabb is still good for the first three games of the season.

Cowboys 28 - Doo Doo Browns 10
Still waiting for Anderson to get hurt so I can find Cleveland interesting.

Panthers 26 - Chargers 24
The countdown to Merriman's knee exploding like the Death Star continues.

Cards 23 - 49ers 13
At least Matt Leinart doesn't have to take a break from beer bonging with fat teenage girls to play football anymore.

Bears 29 - Colts 13
Matt Forte is looking good. Peyton is looking... like he'll be fine by next week.

Vikings 19 - Cheese Heads 24
Good for Rodgers.

Broncos 41 - Raiders 14
Horrendous, horrendous team.

Are These The New Ghostbusters?

Sigh. Apparently Ghostbusters 3 may be a reality after all. Of course it won't be Ghostbusters in Hell with Ben Stiller replacing Bill Murray, but instead a complete reboot with none of the original actors (at least not in a central role). Office writers Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg have been called upon to write this probable disaster and have already worked with Harold Ramis on a Judd Apatow film to be released in 2009. Seeing as these Office cats like to stick together, it isn't too far fetched to imagine the NBC sitcom contributing several actors to the cast of GB3... or the whole thing could disappear by next year. One can only hope... Oh no, I just had a vision of Seth Rogan playing Slimer as a pothead with the munchies.