So Dough Boy Fresh

Just Wanted To Point Something Out...

Go Hoosiers. Turn that bitch blue.

THE NBA IS HERE AGAIN! AWESOME! Right?

That's right, America's so-so sport is already in session for the 08-09 season. You might not have noticed, what with the football, the world series delays, and that whole historic election thing, so hopefully you remembered to draft your fantasy team before tip-off last night. Oh, you don't play fantasy basketball? Shocking. Anyways, with three games on the docket last night, we've already learned a few things:

1. Drew Gooden is Dr. Zoidberg for Halloween.

2. Derrick Rose ain't half bad. He almost had a double double, dishing out nine dimes and grabbing three steals in what was surely the most nerve-wracking game of his life.

3. Kirk Hinrich is still relevant.

4. LeBron still can't shoot for @#$%.

5. A contented KG is Boston's worst nightmare.

6. Joel Przybilla is still a fantasy enigma... wrapped in a doughy midriff... wrapped in bacon.

7. Greg Oden is merely a large sculpture of a basketball player made of glass, tissue paper, and Elmer's glue. He should at no time be moved, jostled, or breathed upon.

8. Kobe Bryant is still an @$$hole.

The NFL Abridged: Week 8

Colts 21 - Titans 31
WTF Colts?!?! The Blue Horse desperately needs LL Cool Sanders Back. Peyton and Mustache Ride finally looked like their old selves, but couldn't put up more than three scores against Head Stomper Haynesworth. The Horseshoes are now behind the Ravens, Bills, Jags, and even the Jets for playoff spot positioning.

Elsewhere around the league, the Bears were on bye, Dallas has a defense, The Boston Douchebags keep winning, and Ye Olde Saints - Chargers shootout in Jolly Olde England demolished my fantasy team with ridiculousness yet again.

The NFL Abridged: Week 7

Whoops. Guess I forgot to write about week seven. That's ok, there's only one thing you need to know. Kyle Jack Mother @#$%ing Daniels Orton.

And Now, Something Everyone Can Enjoy

The NFL Abridged: Week 6

Bears 20 - @#$%ing Falcons 22
Seriously?

Colts 31 - Barksdales 3
That's more like it.

Fins 28 - Texans 29
Lots of last minute robberies this week.

Lions 10 - Vikings 12
The Kitty Cats just can't catch a break. Maybe all those draft picks from Dallas will help. Ha!

Raiders 3 - Saints 34
Looks like this is the first year of the Bush administration. Shudder.

Bengals 14 - Favres 26
Not a good year for jungle cat themed teams. Well, the Panthers are pretty ok... Jaguars aren't bad... ok, never mind.

Panthers 3 - Bucs 27
Tampa Bay has a good run defense. Who knew?

Rams 19 - Skins 17
WTF happened here?

Jags 24 - Broncos 17
That dude with two last names sure can move the football.

Boys 24 - Cards 30
Nomo fo Romo.

Eagles 40 - Miners 26
The Eagles will be the best team to ever finish dead last in a division.

Cheeseheads 27 - Starbucks 17
Sigh. Ryan Grant is still yet to break 100 yards or get a touchdown. What a first round fantasy pick that was.

Douchebags 10 - Bolts (AKA Slightly Lesser Douchebags) 30
Way to call a timeout when you're down by 42 with 17 seconds left dickface.

G-Men 14 - Browns 35
Guess we won't be seeing the first openly gay NFL QB anytime soon.

The NFL Abridged: Week 5

What happened to week four, you might ask? Well, Maui happened. To sum it up, Bears kicked ass and Colts were on bye. Skins beat the Stars, Denver ran out of referee mojo, and Brett Favre went ridiculous. And now, on to week five... the week that Hollywood Billiards broke my heart.

Colts 31 - Texans 27
Ok, seriously. It shouldn't be this hard. Hopefully three TD's in four minutes will be a catalyst or something.

Bears 34 - Kitty Cats 7
Finally an old school Chicago romp n' stomp.

Titans 13 - Barksdales 10
I guess Indy maybe should be worried about these guys.

Worst Team Ever (Chiefs) 0 - Panthers 34
DeAngelo Williams finally woke up, messed around, and got three thouchdowns.

Falcons 27 - Cheeseheads 24
Isn't Atlanta supposed to be terrible?

Chargers 10 - Ronnie Browns 17
Looks like the Dolphins are for reals this time... and Norv Turner probably won't be around too much longer.

Starbucks 6 - Giants 44
No Plax, no problems.

Skins 23 - Eagles 17
Apparently there are good teams in the NFC East. You may have heard this once or twice on TV.

Bucs 13 - Broncos 16
The AFC West looks like it's all horsey if the Bolts keep underachieving... although a couple of the stallions look headed for the glue factory.

Bills 17 - Cards 41
Someone's gotta win the NFC West, might as well be the team with a Police Academy officer.

Bengals 22 - Boys 31
I didn't see a star being kissed.

Douchebags 30 - Niners 21
Sigh.

Steelers 26 - Jags 21
Ben played big, but they still don't look like the team from the first couple games. Probably because they're not (what with their two top backs injured).

Vikings 30 - Saints 27
Whacky wild stuff.