I'm Not The Only One With A Fake Mustache

I know Snoop should probably be embarrassed to be at a hockey game, but seriously, it's not like the four Canadians actually watching are gonna ruin his street cred. And please tell me his kid is wearing a wig.

Who's The Biggest A-hole?

In the day and age where sports reporting has become mostly tabloid, with very little coverage of actual game-play, the not-so-professional behavior of professional athletes is constantly exposed, nay, hammered non-stop, over and over again into the collective conscious of every fan in the world. Needless to say, this leads us to discover that many of these athletes are total a-holes. But which a-hole defecates most on the fabric of society, you ask? Clearly, the answer changes on a day to day basis and is probably dependent on the season, but the following is a breakdown of the largest sports sphincters at the moment.

Alex Rodriguez
Cheats on wife with ugly washed up strippers (A-Rod likes the she-male, muscular type), yells at infielders to distract them (along with several other instances of bush league plays), and generally sucks when it matters.
A-hole index



Kobe Bryant
Wants to abandon team that sucks because he sent their best player away, gives up in the middle of crucial playoff games, cheats on hot wife and is dumb enough not to pay the girl upfront.
A-hole index



Barry Bonds
Ruins the legacy of one of sport's greatest records, is a general dick to anyone that asks him a question, has a girly voice.
A-hole index



Ron Mexico
Has a dog fighting ring, tries to sneak pot on airplanes in a water bottle, gives herpes away like candy canes at Christmas.
A-hole index



T.O.
Self explanatory.
A-hole index



Floyd Landis
Cheats at a bike race and raises $50,000 to clear his name by going around the county preaching self righteous garbage, then threatens to expose someone's childhood molestation to stop them from testifying about said cheating.
A-hole index



Honorable Mentions: Roger Clemens / Curt Schilling tandem, Mark Cuban (If for nothing else than this whole new football league nonsense), The entire Detroit Pistons, David Stern, Bruce Bowen / Robert Horry tandem, Pacman Jones (but he's so damned amusing), Ricky Williams (just has different priorities), John Starks (completely irrelevant today, but may be biggest a-hole of all time)

New Comic Book Day II

Due to Memorial Day, new comics have been pushed back to Thursday this week. I know the extra wait has been hard on us all, but hopefully the pick-of-the-week will make up for it. The rarely published New Avengers Illuminati releases its third installment today and it's potentially the most exciting yet. Of course Bendis co-writes it, so you never know. This issue focuses on Secret Wars, one of the greatest Marvel stories of all time. Unfortunately, I don't think we'll get to see much of the War itself, but the origin of the Beyonder should still be interesting. If nothing else, we get this fantabulous splash page with Wolverine in his brown suit and Hawkeye being a badass.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I would like to be traded, yeah. At this point I'll go play on Pluto." I just hope John Paxson doesn't hear about this.

The LeBrons Make Me Kind Of Sort Of Almost Care... Almost

Last night, The Fightin' Brons evened the Eastern Conference Finals at two games a piece against the Detroit Dickheads, threatening to make the excruciatingly boring playoffs somewhat interesting again. While my hatred for the Pistons is well documented, I'm still not sure if this is a good thing. Now we'll have to be subjected to 467 interviews with Sheed and company explaining that they have yet to bring their A game in this series. I have yet to see a sports team more disrespectful of their competition. Detroit, you are capable of being beaten. Everybody's played with that guy at the playground who pretends he wasn't trying every time he loses, even though he sure seemed to care about the game when he was complaining about every call and shoving you out of frustration. No one wants to hear it. Also, in case you haven't noticed, this is the Conference Finals. Do you honestly want to be telling your fans that you aren't really trying hard, even though you makes ass tons of cash to do just that? If I hear one more comment about the Pistons "turning on their switch when it counts" I'm going to beat myself retarded with a sock full of oranges. Oh, and here's a funny picture of Rasheed Wallace.

Pornographic Cracker Jack Prize

As if cutting back to four peanuts per box weren't bad enough, Cracker Jack has now completely chinced out on the secret toy as well. I don't know when oversized postage stamp became equivalent with toy surprise, (let alone oversized postage stamp of a flesh colored clam) but i sure do miss the days of plastic Indians and magnifying glasses. Apparently kids are supposed to fold this thing in such a way that by pinching the corners, they can make it talk. Just don't let them tilt their head when they do it. If only they would have anted up enough cash to make this thing a temporary tattoo. I've always wanted a stoned vagina on my arm.

Throw Some D's On That Chick

(From Modern Mechanix)

Beer Fridays

This week's beer comes to us from the Brouwerij Van Steenberge N.V. in beautiful Belgium. Piraat Ale is no sissy Jack Sparrow beer. It's a powerful hybrid of Tripel, Amber, and IPA that pours a thick gold body of appley ass-kickery and weighs in at a whopping 10.5% ABV. Biting carbonation blends seamlessly with crisp citrus flavor in this breathtaking Barley Wine. It's sweet and delicious and it will punch you in the throat. It's basically liquid S&M with Scarlett Johansson.
On a pirate ship. (A+)

Ear Candy II

T.I. + Fujiya & Miyagi = What You Know About Transparent Things (mp3 via zshare)

Mind Control Suppositories

Anna Nicole, Chyna, and the old fork in the microwave trick. (poster)

1.21 Gigawatts of Paper!

SF Paper Craft Gallery has these ridiculous PDFs you can print out and use your mad origami skills on to create 3D models of the Delorean, Millennium Falcon, and ass tons of other Star Wars vehicles. Download the AT-AT and invade Hoth with an amalgamation of vegetable fibers held together by hydrogen bonding today! Thanks to BoingBoing for the link.

New Comic Book Day

It's Wednesday, that very special time of the week when the gift of new comics are bestowed to us from on high. Today should be pretty light on the wallet, with only six or so pick-ups. This week's headliner is, of course, Captain America #26. When last we left Brubaker's tale of tragedy, Cap was capped by his hypnotized girlfriend on the courthouse steps. How will Sharon deal with the guilt of killing America's greatest hero? Who will step up to fill the void of Cap's absence? What evil plan will the living photo booth guy concoct next? All this and more in Captain America #26!

BWAHAHAHAHA!

No Oden for you! Well Boston, at least you still have Baseball and Football. You never should have messed with David Stern. He will go straight up Dr. Claw on that ass... Although there is one good thing about the Celtics he can never take away (link), or can he?

Ear Candy

Madlib + Badu = hot fire (mp3)

Spencer Hawes Ate My Ping Pong Balls

The NBA draft lottery is tonight and my recently ousted Chicago Bulls have the rights to the Knick's little white ball. Somehow, as bad as New York sucked the big suck, the Bulls still only have a 1.9% chance of winning the number 1 or 2 pick. So no Oden or Durant for us. According to ESPN's fancy schmancy lottery simulator doohickey, the Bulls will either get the 9th or 10th pick and select Spencer Hawes out of Washington... assuming they don't realize that the average age of their team is 17 and they could probably trade the pick and "Every Other Day" Gordon for a veteran low post threat. Apparently Hawes can score in the paint, but isn't very athletic. However, he is quite popular with the kids these days after nailing the lead roll in Shrek 3.

My Obsession

Marvel Comics Super-Hero Squad figures are a shining light in an otherwise dark world. Their playful cherub like faces greet me every morning with warm smiles as they stand ever vigilant in their battle-ready poses, warding off the threats of villainy and initiatives. The joy of seeing an alive and well Captain America flanked by a non-clone Thor, a non-dick Iron Man, and a non-ninja Hawkeye is truly indescribable. My collection of series one is complete, with series two and three also on their way. I even broke down and bought most of the crappy Spider-Man movie ones, but not Unmasked Spidey and New Goblin. Never Unmasked Spidey and New Goblin. I know the future holds more classic X-men figures and I can only hope that Hasbro will follow the Mini-Mates and make Zombie versions as well. Probably not though, considering these are toys for three-year-old kids.

Quote of the Century

Fat guy talking to tall girl behind the counter at the gym who actually seemed genuinely interested in what he was saying: "It's above and beyond... It's not just about conquering you because you're hot..."
I knew there was a reason I don't read Maxim. This guy probably goes through and entire can of Axe body spray just for his left tit. He uses Tag for his right.

Untitled Sketch Thing

Untitled (By me)

The Nasty One Cometh

Prepare yourselves world. True greatness shall soon emerge.