New Comic Book Day XVIII

There looks to be a decent amount of goodness this week with mystery Marvel beatdowns at Camp Avengers, a triple dose of Marvel Matt Fraction, more Marvel mutants getting their @$$es handed to them, and the marvelous Legion of Doom reenacting the final season of JLU. The most anticipated book of the week award goes to Grant Morrison's batty take on an Agatha Christie classic in Batman #669. And while the writing's good, this one gets the prize for JH Williams III's ridiculously good design. His art is pretty fantastic, but his layouts make your elbows jiggle. If you're into that sort of thing.

The NFL Abridged: Week III

(BAL 26 - ARI 23) Ha! Leinart was so bad that had to put in Kurt "Old Ass Man Who Gets Beaten By His Wife" Warner! Ha! Boldin tore it up for the Cards with 181 yards and a couple touchdowns, but they still lost. Shocking.

(SD 24 - GB 31) Holy crap does Norv Turner suck. Meanwhile, no one's discovered Brett Favre's box of bionic limbs yet.

(STL 3 - TB 24) Frighteningly, Tampa Bay could seriously win their division if Delhomme doesn't return to the Panthers soon.

(SF 16 - PIT 37) Pittsburgh is still undefeated and still looks pretty great.

(DET 21 - PHI 56) I still say Donovan is overrated. Four touchdowns be damned.

(MIA 28 - NYJ 31) Yawn. Although Pussington actually rushed for a score... then cried.

(BUF 7 - NE 38) Douches.

(MIN 10 - KC 13) Still no points for Grandmama 2.0.

(IND 30 - HOU 24) Definitely not as close as the score makes this one seem. Joseph Addai is clearly superhuman.

(CIN 21 - SEA 24) No celebrations for Ocho Cinco, but he got 138 yards. Starbucks still got the win.

(CLE 24 - OAK 26) Nothing's more exciting than games that end with field goal / timeout shenanigans.

(JAC 23 - DEN 14) The Jags were on the field so long that Travis Henry only got 35 yards rushing. He did finally pull a TD though.

(NYG 24 - WAS 17) Reuben Droughns only got one more yard than he did touchdowns.

(CAR 27 - ATL 20) Someone in Carolina should buy DeAngelo Hall a nice fruit basket or something.

(DAL 34 - CHI 10) Yadda yadda, Rex sucks, yadda yadda...

(TEN 31 - NO 14) Captain Skidmark had four interceptions and zero touchdowns. He's probably missing the days of big drums and grand prix's right about now.

What Have You Done, McNulty?

Today in the world of 'Sweet Lord, What Is He Thinking?', Dominic West has inexplicably joined the cast of the next Punisher movie. Apparently satisfied with playing the greatest television role of all time on The Wire, West has decided to use no discretion whatsoever in his selection of big screen roles and will take on the character of the villain Jigsaw. The Punisher: Warzone will also feature Dennis Nedry / Newman himself in the role of Frank Castle's sidekick, Microchip. More like Macrochip! Ha! Unfortunately, all this means that I will eventually be forced to watch this crapfest sequel of a crapfest. Let's just hope they don't bring back John Travolta as a ghost or some @#$%. Then they could put Nic Cage in the movie too.

Behold...

The shiny beam of glimmering hope that shall save us all from the wickedness that is Rex Grossman!

Beer Fridays XVII

Oaked Arrogant Bastard is a smooth operator. It is much more stealthy than its father in that its creamy body slides easily across your palate, saving its brutal attack till later in the taste experience. While still containing plenty of beautiful bitterness and awe inspiring alcohol, O.A.B. takes the original Bastard and infuses it with smokey campfire flavor, Stone Brewing Company's special alchemy once again turning hops and barley to pure gold. If Arrogant Bastard smacks your momma's @$$, Oaked Arrogant Bastard does it on the bearskin rug next to the fireplace while bumping Barry White. The world and their naughty moms should rejoice that this once seasonal delight is now available for year round enjoyment... in a six-pack even. (A+)

Kenyon Bajus

World Police (By Kenyon Bajus)

New Comic Book Day XVII

The color green takes center stage again this week with the releases of World War Hulk #4 and the Senestro War Parallax special. Of course since the rest of both the Marvel and DC universe's current stories take place after these events, there isn't much suspense left in either one. However, Hulk vs. Giant Dr. Strange should be fairly entertaining. Although, technically, Strange should just be able to toss Banner in another dimension with a wiggle of his little finger. This Wednesday also brings us another delicious installment of The Adventures of Bucky and the introduction of The Greatest Avenger Of All Time into the Marvel Adventures' continuity.

The NFL Abridged: Week II (Now New And Improved With Scores!)

(HOU 34 - CAR 21) Houston is undefeated. Also, cats and dogs are living together... mass hysteria. By the way, Steve Smith is some sort of mutant superhero.

(CIN 45 - CLE 51) Looks like we won't be seeing Mr. Quinn anytime soon, which is a shame, because the NFL could really use an openly gay quarterback other than Jeff Garcia. And how about the sudden resurrection of Jamal "Jail-Time" Lewis and Chad Johnson causing massive beer wastage?

(IND 22 - TEN 20) Waaay to close for comfort and Vince Young was a whiny b#$% in this one. On the bright side, Gonzalez seems like everything he was cracked up to be.

(NO 14 - TB 31) Looks like this week's USC karma has caught Reggie Bush. Time for a steady diet of Deuce, since Senior Skidmark isn't getting the job done in the air. And how about Joey Galloway? Forty-seven years old and he's running off 135 with two end zone flexes.

(SF 17 - STL 16) The 49ers being undefeated isn't quite as surprising as the Texans, but the Steelers will demolish them next week.

(BUF 3 - PIT 26) Fast Willie is still fast. Jeff Reed is still ridiculous.

(GB 35 - NYG 13) Green Bay is also unbeaten, but how long will it be until Brett Favre is caught shooting Cialis into his biceps?

(ATL 7 - JAC 13) Couldn't care less.

(SEA 20 - ARI 23) See above. Although, the Cards did finally win a close one.

(DAL 37 - MIA 20) Looks like T.O. was right about drafting him to your fantasy team. He already has 184 yards and three TDs.

(MIN 17 - DET 20) Yet another surprisingly 2-0 team in the Lions. I'm not quite ready to go with Kitna's ten win prediction but that dude is like the Tasmanian Devil combined a train wreck combined with Joe Swanson from Family Guy.

(OAK 20 - DEN 23) Josh McCown threw for 73 yards and three picks Sunday. They may want to throw Double Stuff Dante in there before some GWAR reject bites his head off.

(KC 10 - CHI 20) Sex Cannon still sucks, but Benson seems to be coming along and Berrian can catch a football. Oh yeah, and Devin Hester is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen that doesn't have boobies.

(NYJ 13 - BAL 20) Both backup QBs did aight in this one, but you know Mangenius is gonna throw Chad Pussington back in there next week. They really should just wear pink uniforms in New York. Both teams.

(SD 14 - NE 38) The Patriots are really trying to be @$$hats at this point. After the game, Tom Brady called Belichick the greatest coach of all time and Tedy Bruschi said it was their most satisfying win ever. I don't think I've ever seen a team of more arrogant jerk-off douchebags in my lifetime. They even beat out Leinart's USC team and the Yankees, and come close to topping the Shaq and Kobe Lakers. Ugh. I want to throw up.

(WAS 20 - PHI 12) I'm not ready to call Donovan washed up... just overrated from the start. In all fairness though, his receivers dropped a couple game changers on Monday night. Philly definitely can't blame anything on Westbrook. Dude ran for 96 and caught for 66.

Beer Fridays XVI

Bear Republic's Racer 5 is your standard quality IPA. It utilizes hybrid, high alpha acid Columbus hops to give it it's bitter bite and floral flavor. The addition of Cascade hops help smooth your way to a malty and fruity finish and the high ABV will help you forget the pain and anguish in your dark, dark soul. It may be a nice way to usher the hop-hater over from the dark ages without blowing out their taste buds, sort of like watching Cinemax with your girlfriend to get her primed for a screening of Saturday Night Beaver or Butch Lesbian and the Lapdance Kid. (B+)

The Ongoing Saga Of The NBA's Ever Growing Spectacularity

It was yet another truly awesome day for the NBA today as the Portland Trail Blazers lost this year's number one draft pick, Greg Oden, for most likely the entirety of his rookie season. Oden went under the knife for an exploratory look at his right knee, only to end up needing microfracture surgery. Once one of the few positive stories in the NBA and a seemingly generally good guy, he will now be on crutches for two months and take six to twelve to fully recover, leaving the Trail Blazers as the likely recipients of back to back top picks.

Meanwhile, on the other coast, New York Knick's point guard and captain of douchebaggery, Stephon Marbury, testified in the sexual harassment lawsuit against Isiah Thomas. He called the proceedings a joke, called the plaintiff a black b#$% and stated that "Money makes you do crazy things, man," after recounting his exploits of luring a drunken intern into a truck to play hide the Starbury outside a strip club. He also most likely threw bologna slices at her while she did a jiggly naked dance to UGK's Like That, but that's just my hypothesis. Not that there's anything wrong with throwing processed deli meat at a chick while she twerks it, but this is the self-proclaimed greatest point guard in the league who wants to be Italy's basketball Beckham and calls dog fighting a sport. He also drove away from the courthouse with his head out the window, apparently reenacting one of the acts he described on the stand. The man has class, people.

New Comic Book Day XVI

This week in comics is filled with several great struggles and conflicts sure to shake reality to its core. Hopefully the forces of good will prevail as the god of thunder takes on Oklahoma, a six-armed space vixen takes on Matt Fraction, three green guys take on a mostly naked blue girl, the Heroes for Hire take on tentacle porn, Luke Cage takes on his baby's mamma, Frankie takes on Bucky, Excelsior takes on 80's movie posters, the Ultimates take on continuity, Layla takes on shallow water, and of course, Daredevil takes on the number 100... again... Only this time, Brubaker is writing it so it's the highlight of the week.

The Shaqmobile

Apparently, this is Shaq's party bus. I'm not sure how Superman feels about being associated with known mobsters, but I know I feel a throbbing sensation behind my eyeballs.

The NFL Abridged: Week I

At least the seats were good.

The Horse is still galloping.

Elam redeems himself.

Apparently T.O. was right about Favre and McNabb.

Houston actually wins.

The Patriots like to watch.

Big Ben is apparently back. Quinn is coming.

Randle-El is good.

Garrard is not.

Joey needs to get an endearing STD clinic alias, stat.

Everyone with the 2nd pick in their fantasy draft is not happy.

Rex Grossman sucks just as bad up close.

Oakland finally signs JaMarcus for 80 billion and a box of Oreos.

Jon Gruden will be fired soon.

Boys have a penis. Eli has a vagina.

Ocho Cinco can do better than that.

Karma has caught Matt Leinart.

Groan

Beer Fridays XV

With a name like Victory's Hop Devil, you'd think you'd be getting a pretty potent IPA. Strangely enough, it actually seems more malty than hoppy and is far too smooth to be a demon's brew. It's copper colored and copper flavored with the standard soft citrus tang and medium carbonation. While decently refreshing, it fails to deliver much of a punch and has a fairly weak 6.7% ABV. It's not quite a butter face, maybe more of a fifty footer with @#$%-tons of makeup or just a fairly hot girl who talks a big game but has cold fish syndrome when it counts. I suppose you could drink it with a paper bag over your taste buds. Ok, maybe it's not actually that bad, but don't believe the hype. Hopefully Victory's Hop Wallop puts their money where their mouth is. (C+)

Go Horse!

Makes me proud to be a Hoosier. (Found via Kissing Suzy Kolber)

New Comic Book Day XV

Due to Labor Day, new books were pushed back to Thursday this week, but they seemingly have the potential to be worth the wait. We'll get to see Simon Pegg versus the horny Robo-Batman, Hulk versus a little Asian kid, former mutants versus the dawning of the age of Aquarius, Beast versus drugs, and MODOK versus a pimple. Could you imagine? That zit would be the size of the Epcot Center. The most anticipated book, however, has got to be Doktor Sleepless #2 by Warren Ellis, the king of everything that makes me happy. The world wants to know where their jet-packs and flying cars are and a Mad Scientist with a pirate radio station is here to help them find the answer. Also, this week sees the release of the first issue of Joe Q's overblown quest to de-marry Peter Parker and Mary Jane. Seriously, who's supposed to do Spider-Man's laundry now? Whatever, I'm sure as hell not buying it. Bring on Dan Slott and just kill that old bag Aunt May once and for all.

The Return

That's right folks, the NFL's 2007 kickoff is just one day away. The Colts will look to make martyrs of the Saints at 8:30 pm EST on NBC Thursday night as they start their bid to repeat as Super Bowl champs. Meanwhile, the Bears will tear through LT's house on Sunday afternoon as they face off against the overrated Chargers. While San Diego and New England are going into the season as everybody's favorites to win, everybody is clearly a douche bag. The Bears have relatively the same squad, with little competition in the pathetic NFC, and the Colts may have questions on the defensive end, but no more so then they did last year. Look forward to a Super Bowl rematch, but hopefully with a less drunk Rex Grossman... or heaven forbid Kyle "Jack Daniels Is My Lifeblood" Orton.