I'm Not Sure What I Just Saw, But I Bet It Was Expensive

Um... SPOILER WARNING... I guess.

You'd think when one spends 42 quadrillion dollars on special effects for a movie that they might actually want the audience to see said effects. Unfortunately, in Michael Bay's Transformers, the action moves a little too fast to meet the eye. In fact, the Transformers themselves aren't really around often enough for you to get a good look at them. Of course seeing their M.C. Escher meets anime Gundam feces exoskeletons for any longer may make your eyes bleed profusely. Also, you may notice the prominent fuel pump jutting from their crotches and Optimus Prime's metal anus of a mouth. Yes, they gave Optmus Prime a mouth. And don't even get me started on Shockwave. Someone clearly fed him after midnight. (Because he looks like something out of Gremlins 2. Get it?)

Luckily, however, Bay realized that Transformers is really about people. About 653 different people. He forgoes all the time consuming nonsense of establishing the Autobot characters to establish a slew of not really necessary human characters, because clearly, that's what those of us going to Transformers want to see. Shia LaBeouf (AKA the new John Cusack) and his way-too-hot object of desire are actually tolerable and their roles in the movie make sense, seeing as Shia is the center of the plot. You see, he's trying to sell his grandfather's glasses on Ebay and, wouldn't you know, those glasses somehow contain a map to the missing Energon cube, source of all Cybertronian power. Of course if we've got Shia, we need to meet Shia's parents, an adorably awkward and bumbling couple that like to tend their lawn and talk about masturbation. If that weren't enough comic relief, we get Bernie Mac for thirty seconds to sell Shia his car, and Shia's buddy who climbs trees to impress the ladies. Hilarious stuff, people.

Now, if you thought this established enough of a human base for the movie, you'd be wrong. The story would simply be incomplete if we weren't introduced to Josh Duhamel, Tyrese, some spanish guy, and Titus' brother, the roughneck Air Force soldiers brought into the intergalactic fray from the Middle East when all they wanted to do was get home to see their baby for the first time. And how can we forget team geek? Two nerds and the requisite hot Australian girl who's good at quantum mechanics. Those quantum scientists are always foxy blondes with tattooed necks and sexy accents. And without her, we'd never meet computer hacking and donut loving Anthony Anderson, with his fat, Dance Dance Revolution loving cousin and nosey neat-freak grandmother. Oh, we're not done yet true believer. There's still the incomparable comic duo of Jon Voight (Secretary of Defense) and John Turturro (Secret Government Agent). Apparently these guys thought they were in some sort of strange Vaudevillian remake of Dr. Strangelove, only if Dr. Strangelove were directed by the guy who did Dumb and Dumberer. When these guys team up with Hot Aussie and Donut Boy, the gremlins won't stand a chance. To top it all off, we get George W's floppy red socks themselves requesting ding dongs from a stewardess. Throw in a few robots here and there and you've got yourself a cast.

As far as the nonsensical plot, I barely know where to begin. I think the Decepticons want to take over Earth, but I'm not sure. I do know that the Autobots are pretty ineffectual at stopping them. Dudes can't even hide in Shia's backyard without tripping over power lines. Whatever the case, both sets of robots want the Energon cube, which apparently can bring any electronic device to life. And for some reason, anything it brings to life is instantly a bad guy. Also, in another inexplicable turn of events, the Air Force guys decide they have more faith in a nerdy teenager than their government employers and turn on the Black Ops team, entrusting the fate of the world to Shia. Heck, they even have the kid try to deliver the cube to its destination in the heat of battle instead of having, you know, a trained soldier do it. Inevitably, Shia fails miserably, but ends up saving the day after all. Somehow, however, this enormous battle in the middle of a large Metropolitan area, that clearly must have killed thousands, was completely missed by all news outlets, as the Autobots are able to go back into hiding and the government can continue to deny all existence of alien life forms. The film ends with a beautiful sunset and Shia and his too-hot-for-him girlfriend making out of the hood of his car... who happens to be alive... as are all the other Voyeurbots who are gathered around watching Indy Jr. get laid. Truly creepy stuff.

If you like Transformers, go rent the cartoons. If you'd like some bastardized hybrid of Jurassic Park, The X-Files, Better Off Dead, Barton Fink, and the Adam West Batman series, this is the movie for you. Either way, it's better than Spider-Man 3. (D)