Ron Mexico Vs. The Axis Of Evil

Now that Michael Vick has decided to plead guilty to dog fighting charges, he will probably go down as one of the worst douchebags known to man. But just how despicable is Mr. Mexico? The only way to answer that question is to pit him against some of history's other great villains, masterminds of their perspective evil endeavors. So, find out how Michael Vick stacks up against some of the most sinister criminal ringleaders of all time in Ron Mexico Vs. The Kingpin Vs. Skeletor Vs. Serpentor.

Position or Title:
Vick: Atlanta Falcons' Former Quarterback (#7)
Kingpin: Kingpin of Crime
Skeletor: Evil Lord of Destruction, Overlord of Evil
Serpentor: Supreme Emperor of Cobra
Winner: Skeletor

Other Identities:
Vick: Ron Mexico, Ookie, Superman (Self Annointed)
Kingpin: Wilson Fisk, Harold Howard, The Brainwasher
Skeletor: Keldor, Scare Glow, Alan Oppenheimer
Serpentor: Julius Caesar, Napoleon Bonaparte, Genghis Khan, Etc.
Winner: Vick

Crimes Committed:
Vick: Knowingly gave a woman herpes, Gave his own fans the double bird, Tried to bring marijuana on a plane in a water bottle, Ran a dog fighting ring and executed several dogs, General douchey behavior
Kingpin: Responsible for the shooting of Aunt May, Responsible for his son becoming the criminal, The Rose, and his wife killing said son, General crime lord activities
Skeletor: Tricking He-Man into thinking he killed a man, General incompetent villainous behavior
Serpentor: Responsible for the deaths of several G.I. Joes, Responsible for the G.I. Joe series jumping the shark, General terrorist activities
Winner: Vick

Base of Operations:
Vick: Southeast Virginia, Atlanta
Kingpin: New York City, Hell's Kitchen
Skeletor: Snake Mountain in Eternia
Serpentor: Cobra Island, Cobra La, Monolith Base
Winner: Vick (It don't get much more evil than Virginia... except maybe West Virginia)

Origin:
Vick: Impressive quarterback play during high school in Newport News led to two successful seasons at Virginia Tech. He left after his red shirt sophomore year and was drafted number one by the Atlanta Falcons in the 2001 NFL Draft.
Kingpin: Was a poor, overweight child who was repeatedly bullied until he trained in physical combat and started his own gang. He was then made Don Rigoletto's bodyguard, eventually killing him and becoming a powerful crime lord.
Skeletor: Was either a demon from another dimension or the long lost brother of King Randor whose magical experiments went awry.
Serpentor: A clone created by Dr. Mindbender to lead Cobra whose DNA consists of Julius Caesar, Napoleon Bonaparte, Attila the Hun, Philip II of Macedon, Alexander the Great, Ivan the Terrible, Vlad the Impaler, Hannibal, Genghis Khan, Grigori Rasputin, and several others
Winner: Serpentor

Goals:
Vick: Win a Super Bowl, Do dumb $#@%
Kingpin: Run New York City, Eat Twinkies
Skeletor: Gain control of The Power of Grayskull, Rule Eternia
Serpentor: Rule the World
Winner: Skeletor

Enemies:
Vick: PETA, Roger Goodell, Sonya Elliott, Dogs
Kingpin: Daredevil, Spider-Man, The Punisher
Skeletor: He-Man, The Sorceress of Castle Grayskull, King Randor
Serpentor: G.I. Joe, Cobra Commander (Fred VII), The Baronness
Winner: Kingpin

Associates:
Vick: Marcus Vick, Aaron Brooks, Alge Crumpler
Kingpin: Bullseye, Elektra, Typhoid Mary
Skeletor: Hordak, Evil-lyn, Beast Man, Two-Bad, Trap-Jaw, Tri-Klops
Serpentor: Dr. Mindbender, Firefly, Globulus
Winner: Kingpin

Affiliations:
Vick: The Atlanta Falcons, Bad Newz Kennels
Kingpin: HYDRA, Fujikawa Industries
Skeletor: The Snake Mountain Evil Warriors, The Horde
Serpentor: Cobra, The Coil, Cobra-La
Winner: Serpentor

Powers and Abilities:
Vick: Agility, Enhanced Speed, Mediocre Throwing Skills
Kingpin: Enhanced Strength, Intelligence, Martial Arts
Skeletor: Mystical Powers, Mind Powers, Teleportation
Serpentor: Military Command, Enhanced Strength, Difficulty to Kill
Winner: Skeletor

Weapons:
Vick: His Feet, Apparently Anything He Could Use To Kill Dogs
Kingpin: Diamond Studded Cane, Rolodex of Assassins
Skeletor: Havoc Staff, Energy Blade
Serpentor: Snake Javelin, Flying Chariot
Winner: Skeletor

Media Appearances:
Vick: Every Other Second of ESPN
Kingpin: Portrayed by Michael Clarke Duncan in crappy Daredevil movie and John Rhys-Davies in Trial of the Incredible Hulk TV Movie
Skeletor: Robot Chicken, World of Warcraft, Once A Hero
Serpentor: G.I. Joe: The Movie
Winner: Vick

Pets:
Vick: Lots of Pitbulls
Kingpin: No Notable Pets
Skeletor: Panthor
Serpentor: Lots of Snakes
Winner: Vick

Downfall:
Vick: Co-defendants accepted plea bargains
Kingpin: Beat up by both Daredevil and Peter Parker and agreed to leave the country after his wife's death
Skeletor: Never was very bright
Serpentor: Assassinated by Zartan's arrow and buried inside volcano / Fell off cliff into the ocean
Winner: Serpentor

And there you have it, Michael Vick narrowly edges out Skeletor by a score of 5 to 4 for the title of Most Evilest Douchebag Criminal Ringleader Supreme. Serpentor followed with 3 and Kingpin ended up in last with 2.