Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The Boston Celtics: The Next Team To Be As Disappointing As The 03-04 Lakers

Besides ruining all three of their stars' fantasy value, Boston's acquisition of Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen is sure to break a lot of hearts in Boston. As soon as the trigger was pulled on the KG deal, Donnie Wahlberg was on First Take declaring a certain championship. When this team loses in the first or second round of the playoffs with no future hope in sight, we'll all be declaring the entire Boston fan base deceased. When are people going to learn that throwing a bunch of desperate to win, aging superstars on the same team never works? It didn't for Malone, Payton, and the Lakers, and it didn't for Barkley and the Rockets. Sure, in the Eastern conference it may work in the regular season, but come the post season, these guys will get torn to shreds at the point guard position, which coincidentally is once again the most important position in the NBA. Who are they going to start? Rajon Rondo? Chauncey Billups and Jason Kidd will give these guys fits, and with Chicago and Cleveland continuing to improve, the Celtics will have trouble getting that Conference Championship they've already been anointed. Pierce, Allen, and KG's personalities may mix well, but with a supporting cast of Brian Scalabrine and Kendrick Perkins, they won't be getting sized for rings any time soon.

UPDATED: The Comic Con Chronicles Vol.2: Battle Of The Cosplayers

Obviously, the best part of Comic Con is seeing all your favorite characters come to life in splendiferous homemade costume form. Unfortunately, most dress-up-folk are into the anime these days, but there's still enough recognizable goodness to go around. Not all costumes, however, are created equal, thus we have The Battle Of The Cosplayers (And Booth Babes).

All photos courtesy of O.P.P. through Flickr. Don't sue me.

Let's see, one Bender got invited up on stage at the Futurama panel and the other one was later seen in a suicide booth. Winner: Best Bender ever.

Whose fuzz is the hottest? Winner: The dudes that look just like them.

Real vs. Plastic. Winner: Witchblade doesn't wear a sportsbra so I have to go with the action figure.

Dude looks like a roller derby reject. Winner: Robert Downey, Jr.

Accuracy vs. Attractiveness. Winner: Tie.

Model march madness. Winner: Resident Evil, because there's way more of them.

Good vs. Evil. Winner: Good.

Optimus vs. Shockwave. Winner: Tie, and they're both better looking than the movie.

Battle of the warrior women. Winner: Red Sonja, because she kind of sort of almost looks like Kari Byron.

Regular vs. Dark. Winner: They may very well be the same girl, but I'll go with the naughty one.

Plumber power. Winner: While both adorable, I think the kids get this one.

Meow vs. Purr. Winner: Felicia by a wet nose.

Original vs. Clone. Winner: Clones are stupid.

I Don't Even Know vs. @#$%ed Up "S". Winner: I think we all know the answer to this one.

Monday, July 30, 2007

The Comic Con Chronicles Vol.1

Comic Con 2007 has come and gone and I've survived an unsolicited conversation with the foulest smelling man alive to tell the tale. (Seriously, dude lets his own feces soil in his pants and eats it, not to mention the lack of soap in his life.) While the number of people in costumes seemed lighter than last year, I managed to get a couple choice pics, and those I didn't I will steal from flickr for Vol.2. Other highlights included the Futurama panel, an Andre 3000 street sighting, making out with Jessica Alba, Rosario Dawson, and Sarah Silverman all at once, and San Diego's fratastically boring nightlife. The most disturbing feature, or course, was the Grindhouse booth babe who literally had a machine gun leg. And now, on to the recounting of our daring adventures...

I fought through a gang of snakes and Nazis to get to this thing and all it did was melt my face off.

Guess I shouldn't have asked to feel Chun-Li's lightning legs.

They ran out of legos for Chewbacca's ass.

This is supposed to be Poison Ivy making me itchy.

I caught this creepy Yoda backpack whispering commands into this dude's ear right before he shot the president.

I sense a theme developing here...

Almost as fruity as Anakin was in the movie.

Udderly ridiculous. Ha!

Stay Classy San Diego. More Conventional goodness is on the way.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Only Place In The World Where Ghostbusters Will Team Up With A Stormtrooper Elvis, Only It's Somehow Much Less Cool Than It Sounds In Your Head

Comic-Con 2007 is here, and I will be there tomorrow. Therefore, there probably won't be much in the way of blogging till Monday, but I promise lots of pics of girls in metal bikinis and spandex when I get back.... assuming I don't get drafted by the Green Lantern Corps.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Asshat In Vinyl

Upper Deck will give you the opportunity to sell your soul to Satan this weekend. They'll have 250 of these extremely limited edition Beelzebub statues for sale exclusively at this year's Comic-Con in San Diego. Apparently, other iterations of the figure have been released, but this is the first version of the vinyl statue wearing white and it comes with a free vile of goat's blood.

Ultimate Poop Stain?

(Click image to enlarge)

Well, looks like Ultimates 3, the sequel to Millar and Hitch's glorious widescreen Avengers saga, will come out after all. Marvel has released the first cover of Jeph Loeb and Joe Madureira's run to IGN. It looks... different. Madureira obviously went with a more traditional superhero redesign for several of the costumes and Loeb clearly decided he required a more blockbustery lineup for some reason. I blame Bendis. Other major observations follow in glorious list formation...
  1. Apparently Valkyrie from the Defenders is suddenly competent.
  2. Scarlet Witch and the Wasp bleached their hair.
  3. Wasp is no longer Asian.
  4. Hank Pym can beat his wife and help try to destroy America and still be on the team.
  5. Wolverine and Spider-Man aren't in enough books.
  6. Ultimate Black Panther fights dirty.
  7. Thor starred in Cats.
  8. Spider-Man has a giant wiener.
  9. And most importantly, Hawkeye, once the coolest character in the Ultimate Universe, has become a 90's style douche.

New Comic Book Day IX

It's the last Wednesday before Comic-Con and the pull list is a little light this week. It is, however, chock full of potential deliciousness, with new X-men vs. Marauders, the somewhat rickety Grant Morrison Batman, World War shenanigans in Incredible Hulk, mystical Kung-Fu tournaments in Iron Fist, and the next stunning chapter of Sinestromania in Green Lantern Corps. That's why for this week's pick, I've decided to defy all logic and go with the book with the least chance of success. Mighty Avengers #4 seems like it's taken a grip and a half to come out. In all actuality, it may not be significantly delayed, but the story inside it sure has been. This is supposed to be this incarnation of Avengers' FIRST time acting as a team, yet somehow they seem to have done all sorts of @#$% in other books. What's worse, the big cliffhanger of the current story line (which won't conclude until October 31st) is that Iron Man might be dead, yet if this is their first time together and we've seen them doing things in other books with Iron Man, clearly the cliff is not very steep. In fact I think I can actually touch the ground with my toes from here. Don't get me wrong, Marvel's never been one to stress continuity and doing so would probably take the fun out of comics (see DC Comics and their eleventy-billion crises), but at this point, major events are happening in WWH, Silent War, both Avenger books, and X-Factor and they all seem to be happening years apart from each other, therefore ruining any sort of suspense regarding the fate of certain characters. Oh well, at least there's a naked robot chick.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Friday, July 20, 2007

Beer Fridays Beerstravaganza Part 2: The Top Five Weekday Beers

I think we can all agree that the best of the world's beers are generally not massed produced. The finest ales often come in single bottles or in small amounts, with extra love and care in each hand crafted sip. They are premium brews that must be supped from just the right glass at just the right temperature with just the right dish. But what about the everyday beers? What about the beers that, while not among the greatest, are still tasty and refreshing in their own right, the beers that you can purchase twelve or eighteen of at a time, the grocery store beers, that beers that you can always keep in the back of your refrigerator in case of an emergency? These beers deserve to be celebrated as well, in all their common glory. The following are the top five such beverages, old friends that will always be there for you and that you can normally find at least one of in any bar, pub, or bowling alley in America.

5. Sam Adams Boston Lager
Sam Adams is somewhere between the micro and macrobrew, in that they've managed to become a large commercial entity while retaining their small-time brewery appeal. Their Lager is pretty much the perfect example of a good, simple, American beer. It's a little malty, a little hoppy, and completely non-threatening to the non-connoisseur.

4. Bass / Newcastle
These two brews are essentially two sides of one English coin. Bass being the light, refreshing side and Newcastle, its dark, heavy counterpart. If you have a long night at the pub planned, the malty, fruity, uncomplicated Bass will keep you well lubricated throughout. If you like to make more of a meal out of your beer, reach for the always filling and flavorful Newcastle, a frothy mix of nuttiness, caramel, raisins, and chocolate.

3. Blue Moon
While one normally shouldn't "fruit" the beer, Blue Moon's Belgian White Ale is often served with an orange, which matches it's citrus tang. It's somewhat cloudy and heavily carbonated, but easily drinkable. Spicy, lip-smacking refreshment on a hot day.

2. Fat Tire
One of America's "New Belgians", Fat Tire has a nice, toasted malt flavor and amber color. It is fruity, floral, and somewhat sweet. It has a distinct flavor, but not one that should offend the unskilled beginner. It's also one of the trendier of the grocery store circle and can be consumed in heavy quantities.

1. Sierra Nevada
Sierra Nevada may be the essential pale ale. It is widely available, if not wholly consistent, and full of delicious hops. Light carbonation and a mix of pine cones and orange rinds tickle your tongue with each sip of its classic goodness. It is a rich, red orange brew that is perfectly acceptable on any occasion.

Beer Fridays Beerstravaganza Part 1: The Top (Or Bottom) Five Worst Beers Known To Man

Beer is good. That much we know. Not all that is brewed, however, is brewed equally. Some beer really does not deserve the name and should instead be classified as some sort of torture device or biological weaponry. These are beverages suitable only for shotgunning teenagers and dirty backyard wrestlers. Such are those listed below... the worst five "beers" known to man.

5. Milwaukee's Best
While unfathomably cheap, The Beast is flavored with the most putrid of rancid ass juice. It consists mostly of watery yeast, which makes me wonder what Milwaukee's Best Light could possible contain. The only reason it's not higher on the list is THIS.

4. Coors Light
It's pretty much just water with yellow food coloring. I suppose you could drink it while you work out or something. And twins.

3. Keystone Ice
Otherwise known as a liquid headache, Keystone Ice is high on alcohol but tastes like the tin man's anus and feels like a crowbar to the brain.

2. Natural Light
Ah, Natty Light, many a chubby sorority girl's panties have been dropped thanks to you. It tastes like white trash and should only be consumed through a funnel while wearing a wife beater. Also, it inspires this douchery.

1. Michelob Ultra / Heineken Light
I suspect that there are two evil marketing geniuses snickering and twirling their mustaches in their secret island hideaways because they've actually gotten people to pay for bottles of watered down urine. All they had to do was call it low carb and have hot girls give you flashing buttons at bars. Seriously people, I'm almost positive you can get pee for free.

The Next Step For The NBA Is To Just Let Vince McMahon Take Over And Call It A Night

There I was, sitting at my computer, getting nice and ready to write an article detailing the ridiculousness of the Rockets resigning the human cancer that is Steve Francis... I would have berated the team for thinking that this egomaniacal midget could finally get along with Yao and not suck the life out of Tracy McGrady. I would have revealed how this is all a part of The Franchise's twisted revenge plot to get back at the city that spurned him with the trade that eventually led to his break up with man-mate Cuttino Mobley.

And then, I turned on the television... It's no secret that the NBA has had its share of problems lately and its Barnum & Bailey level circus acts. Between the waffling antics of Kobe Bryant, the gondola loving Stephon Marbury, and whatever caricature of himself Ron Artest has become, there's been no lack of drama. The league was nearly saved this year, with the reemergence of the run and gun, the splendidly quirky Gilbert Arenas, and a wildly entertaining beginning to the playoffs. Then Agent Zero went down. Then Amare got suspended. Then the finals happened.

A now... now we have a referee who allegedly bet on games, including ones he called, in some strange conspiracy with the Mob. I guarantee someone had to clean a big brown stain out of David Stern's pants this morning. This latest development will validate in fans' minds what they've already been saying for years. Every time there's been a questionable call in this league, someone has cried that the fix was in... and now, maybe it was. Clearly the fix was in when Boston tanked this season, and clearly it was in again when the ping pong balls screwed them out of Oden. Furthermore, I would also bet that more people tuned in to see those balls then did for the Spurs vs. Cavs.

Can a sport where watching these ping pong balls get picked is more exciting then the game itself survive this latest scandal? I say yes, precisely because the off-season has become so engrossing and because the off-the-court scandal is so ridiculous. If all sports have become reality TV, the NBA is the American Idol of them all. Baseball has Bonds, and the NFL has Ron Mexico and TO, but the entire core of the NBA is now the circus, and everybody will show up for the clowns and elephants.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Barry Bonds Vs. Captain America

With Barry Bonds knocking out numbers 752 and 753 today against the Cubs (and still losing), I thought it only fitting to see how well he would fare against another red, white, and blue fan favorite... Captain America. Just how well does one of America's greatest villains stack up against her greatest hero? Let the final tally show the answer.

Barry: Single season records for home runs, on base percentage, slugging percentage, and walks, Seven MVP awards, 14 All-Star Game appearances, Eventual all-time home run record holder
Cap: Punched Hitler in the jaw, Helped win WWII, Led the Avengers, Saved the world and universe on countless occasions
Winner: Come on, he punched Hitler in the jaw... Cap

Origin of Super Powers:
Barry: Performance Enhancing Substances (Arthritis cream and flaxseed oil)
Cap: Performance Enhancing Substances (Super Soldier Serum)
Winner: Tie

Friends and Family:
Barry: Bobby Bonds, Reggie Jackson, Willie Mays
Cap: The Falcon, Sharon Carter, and Bucky
Winner: I think I have to give this one to Barry

Barry: The U.S. Government, Hank Aaron, Bud Selig, Everyone not from San Francisco
Cap: The U.S. Government, Nazis, Baron Zemo, The Red Skull
Winner: Cap

Acronymically Named Organization Associated With:
Barry: BALCO (Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative)
Cap: SHIELD (Strategic Hazard Intervention, Espionage and Logistics Directorate)
Winner: Cap

Biggest Challenge Overcome:
Barry: Knee Surgery
Cap: Being frozen in a block of ice for over twenty years and surviving
Winner: Cap

Barry: Wooden Bat
Cap: Adamantium Shield
Winner: Cap

Media Appearances:
Barry: Bonds on Bonds, Nickelodeon's All That, Every other second of ESPN
Cap: Direct-to-video movie
Winner: Barry

And there you have it, Old Winghead smacks down the Bay Area Bomber 5-2 in a true victory for liberty and freedom... from douchebags.

Taste The Internet's Liquid Gold...

Taste its terror...
Taste its Aqua Teen...
Taste its snack bar vengeance...
Taste its Ghetto Man...
And finally, taste its penis power...
(Might wanna turn the volume down at work for this one.)

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Cubs Rip Giants In Twain

The Chicago Cubs didn't need suspended slugger Derrek Lee Wenesday to slaughter the hapless San Francisco Giants 12-1. It was Carlos Zambrano's 12th win, making him the first to reach that total in the National League. Barry Bonds sat the game out, as did newly acquired Cubs catcher, Jason Kendall. Kendall's replacement, Koyle Hill came up big with five RBI. The win is a good sign for the surging Cubs, who crapped out to the Giants Tuesday night. The series concludes tomorrow afternoon and hopefully the Cubs can wrap up what should be another easy one, as a Brewer's win tonight would leave them four and a half back with a moderately tough stretch ahead. As of now, however, Chicago is also only two and a half games behind San Diego for the wild card. If they can keep up their current chemistry and momentum, they have a good chance to make waves in the mediocrity that is American League's ugly stepsister.

Stephon Marbury to take his rightful place alongside Caesar and Mussolini... AKA Bend It Like Starbury

Not satisfied with annoying American basketball fans, Starbury wants to bring his special kind of ego-driven sideshow to Italy once his contract is up with the Knicks. Apparently his wife likes it there and he thinks he can be a reverse David Beckham, citing that he will be 32 at the time he would go overseas, the same age Beckham is now. Damn, that's like some straight up Lincoln-Kennedy coincidence right there. Maybe they'll both be shot on Fridays by Southerners known by three names. Although, if he is indeed going for the Anti-Beckham, he's got being the opposite of ridiculously popular and loved by millions down pat. In any case, I sure hope Italians like cheap shoes.

New Comic Book Day VIII

Well, looks like this week is all about the green. And I'm not just talking Hulk. There'll be a lot of dollars dropped this Wednesday. We get the second chapter in the Earth shattering World War Hulk, plus two tie-ins with Frontline and X-men, plus new issues of Captain America, The Initiative, Avengers Classic, and DC's delightful Brave and the Bold. If that weren't enough, this week is the debut of Matt Fraction's latest Marvel endeavor, The Champions... I mean The Order, and a new mini-series featuring everyone's favorite floating face, MODOK, playing Billy Ocean. For those who aren't aware, THIS is MODOK, perhaps Stan and Jack's greatest creation. THIS is Ms. MODOK. THIS is Baby MODOK. THESE are Avenger MODOKs. And finally, THESE are Elvis MODOKs.