Why ?uestlove, Why?

The Roots are officially the house band for Late Night With Talentless Dingleberry (AKA Jimmy Fallon).

Invasion Done. Next, Civil War II.

Well, Secret Invasion came to its predictably underwhelming conclusion this week and Marvel's Dark Reign solicits have finally been released. Apparently it will all be a big What If Bendis Wrote Civil War series with Norman Osborn in the role of Tony Stark. The worst part about it is I finally get the returns of Hawkeye and Brown Wolverine and it's going to be Bullseye and Wolverine's son in the outfits.

Greatest. Video Game. Ever.

Watch the trailer of pure awesomeness here.

Dope

Mixtape USB drive from Fi-Hi.

The NFL Abridged: Week 11

The Bears were doodie.

The NFL Abridged: Week 10

Quinn was good, Rex was not, and Peyton may just be back.

President

By Chris Milk

The NFL Abridged: Week 9

Chicago pulled out a inexplicably close one against the Lions and managed to lose Jack Daniels in the process, brining about the horror inducing return of the Sex Cannon, AKA Down Syndrome Michael Keaton. Come back soon Kyle. Meanwhile Anthony Gonzalez went crazy town on the New England Douchebags to keep hope alive in Indy. In other news, BQ will finally QB in Cleveland as the Brown's sputtering offense has opened the door for the NFL's first openly gay passer. The goosebumps you're feeling are for several reasons.

M.I.A. Is Down In The Hole

Her new track, S.U.S. features Blaqstarr and The Wire's often covered theme song. The $6 YouTube video isn't bad either.

@#$%ing Awesome

Don't @#$% This Up America

So Dough Boy Fresh

Just Wanted To Point Something Out...

Go Hoosiers. Turn that bitch blue.

THE NBA IS HERE AGAIN! AWESOME! Right?

That's right, America's so-so sport is already in session for the 08-09 season. You might not have noticed, what with the football, the world series delays, and that whole historic election thing, so hopefully you remembered to draft your fantasy team before tip-off last night. Oh, you don't play fantasy basketball? Shocking. Anyways, with three games on the docket last night, we've already learned a few things:

1. Drew Gooden is Dr. Zoidberg for Halloween.

2. Derrick Rose ain't half bad. He almost had a double double, dishing out nine dimes and grabbing three steals in what was surely the most nerve-wracking game of his life.

3. Kirk Hinrich is still relevant.

4. LeBron still can't shoot for @#$%.

5. A contented KG is Boston's worst nightmare.

6. Joel Przybilla is still a fantasy enigma... wrapped in a doughy midriff... wrapped in bacon.

7. Greg Oden is merely a large sculpture of a basketball player made of glass, tissue paper, and Elmer's glue. He should at no time be moved, jostled, or breathed upon.

8. Kobe Bryant is still an @$$hole.

The NFL Abridged: Week 8

Colts 21 - Titans 31
WTF Colts?!?! The Blue Horse desperately needs LL Cool Sanders Back. Peyton and Mustache Ride finally looked like their old selves, but couldn't put up more than three scores against Head Stomper Haynesworth. The Horseshoes are now behind the Ravens, Bills, Jags, and even the Jets for playoff spot positioning.

Elsewhere around the league, the Bears were on bye, Dallas has a defense, The Boston Douchebags keep winning, and Ye Olde Saints - Chargers shootout in Jolly Olde England demolished my fantasy team with ridiculousness yet again.

The NFL Abridged: Week 7

Whoops. Guess I forgot to write about week seven. That's ok, there's only one thing you need to know. Kyle Jack Mother @#$%ing Daniels Orton.

And Now, Something Everyone Can Enjoy

The NFL Abridged: Week 6

Bears 20 - @#$%ing Falcons 22
Seriously?

Colts 31 - Barksdales 3
That's more like it.

Fins 28 - Texans 29
Lots of last minute robberies this week.

Lions 10 - Vikings 12
The Kitty Cats just can't catch a break. Maybe all those draft picks from Dallas will help. Ha!

Raiders 3 - Saints 34
Looks like this is the first year of the Bush administration. Shudder.

Bengals 14 - Favres 26
Not a good year for jungle cat themed teams. Well, the Panthers are pretty ok... Jaguars aren't bad... ok, never mind.

Panthers 3 - Bucs 27
Tampa Bay has a good run defense. Who knew?

Rams 19 - Skins 17
WTF happened here?

Jags 24 - Broncos 17
That dude with two last names sure can move the football.

Boys 24 - Cards 30
Nomo fo Romo.

Eagles 40 - Miners 26
The Eagles will be the best team to ever finish dead last in a division.

Cheeseheads 27 - Starbucks 17
Sigh. Ryan Grant is still yet to break 100 yards or get a touchdown. What a first round fantasy pick that was.

Douchebags 10 - Bolts (AKA Slightly Lesser Douchebags) 30
Way to call a timeout when you're down by 42 with 17 seconds left dickface.

G-Men 14 - Browns 35
Guess we won't be seeing the first openly gay NFL QB anytime soon.

The NFL Abridged: Week 5

What happened to week four, you might ask? Well, Maui happened. To sum it up, Bears kicked ass and Colts were on bye. Skins beat the Stars, Denver ran out of referee mojo, and Brett Favre went ridiculous. And now, on to week five... the week that Hollywood Billiards broke my heart.

Colts 31 - Texans 27
Ok, seriously. It shouldn't be this hard. Hopefully three TD's in four minutes will be a catalyst or something.

Bears 34 - Kitty Cats 7
Finally an old school Chicago romp n' stomp.

Titans 13 - Barksdales 10
I guess Indy maybe should be worried about these guys.

Worst Team Ever (Chiefs) 0 - Panthers 34
DeAngelo Williams finally woke up, messed around, and got three thouchdowns.

Falcons 27 - Cheeseheads 24
Isn't Atlanta supposed to be terrible?

Chargers 10 - Ronnie Browns 17
Looks like the Dolphins are for reals this time... and Norv Turner probably won't be around too much longer.

Starbucks 6 - Giants 44
No Plax, no problems.

Skins 23 - Eagles 17
Apparently there are good teams in the NFC East. You may have heard this once or twice on TV.

Bucs 13 - Broncos 16
The AFC West looks like it's all horsey if the Bolts keep underachieving... although a couple of the stallions look headed for the glue factory.

Bills 17 - Cards 41
Someone's gotta win the NFC West, might as well be the team with a Police Academy officer.

Bengals 22 - Boys 31
I didn't see a star being kissed.

Douchebags 30 - Niners 21
Sigh.

Steelers 26 - Jags 21
Ben played big, but they still don't look like the team from the first couple games. Probably because they're not (what with their two top backs injured).

Vikings 30 - Saints 27
Whacky wild stuff.

The NFL Abridged: Week 3

Jags 23 - Colts 21
@#$%. On the plus side, the last time the Jaguars demolished the Colts' run defense that badly, Indy won the Super Bowl.

Peg Legs 27 - Bears 24
Double @#$%. And that unnecessary roughness call was ass.

Chiefs 14 - Falcons 38
Say goodbye to Thigpen and hello again to Huard. Then goodbye again to Huard.

Raiders 23 - Bills 24
Al Davis is old.

Bengals 23 - G-Men 26
Still nothing of note from Ocho Cinco.

Dolphins 38 - Douche Bags 13
Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Brown!
(In case you did not know, Ronnie Brown is on my fantasy team.)

Texans 12 - Titans 31
Don't leave Vince Young alone. Ever.

Cards 17 - Skins 24
Campbell is starting to get his @#$% together. Still won't get out of that division though.

Panthers 10 - Vikings 20
Gus Frerotte is the answer. Really.

Saints 32 - Broncos 34
Another questionable call, another Denver win.

Lions 13 - Miners 31
The Lions are not a good football team.

Rams 13 - Starbucks 37
Julius Jones was at least one good thing to come out of Notre Dame last weekend.

Steelers 6 - Eagles 15
No Westbrook, no win next week.

Browns 10 - Barksdales 28
Stir up the echoes, Quinn is coming.

Stars 27 - Packers 16
We live in an unfortunate world where the Cowboys are good once again.

Jets 29 - Bolts 48
Utter demolition, but entertaining demolition.

I Guess Diddy And I Have More In Common Than I Ever Could Have Thought

Coming Soon To A Fridge Near Me

The NFL Abridged: Week 2

Titans 24 - Bengals 7
The tale of two crumbling quarterbacks.

Bills 20 - Jags 16
Apparently there are players on the Bills who are good. You've just never heard of them or didn't know they were on the Bills.

Gwar 23 - Arrowheads 8
This McFadden Fellow may be something after all. Oh wait, he was playing the Chiefs. And whatever happened to Grandmama 2?

Colts 18 - Vikings 15
Yikes. That was a close one. We need the mustache ride back.

Bears 17 - Panthers 20
@#$%. And now Hester's hurt too.

Cheeseheads 48 - Kitty Cats 25
The Lions are not a good football team.

Giants 41 - Rams 13
Eli is not scurred of the Williams sisters.

Saints 24 - Skins 29
Chris Cooley is taking his team's nickname a little too literally.

Falcons 9 - Booty Plunderers 24
Garcia may have lost his job, but he still has a hot hot beard.

Gold Miners 33 - Starbucks 30
J.T. O'Sullivan is in desperate need of a nickname... J-Toast, J-To, Minivan, Third String Sullivan... Man, this is harder than I thought.

Douchebags 19 - Jets 10
Really Mangini? Really?

Bolts 38 - Lucky Ass Broncos 39
Yeah, that was pretty terrible.

Fins 10 - Cards 31
Kurt Warner will never die.

Steelers 10 - Browns 6
Come on Anderson, just go all Vince Young for a couple weeks.

Eagles 37 - Jessica Simpsons 41
Yay for touchdowns! Defense is for girls!

Obama

(By David Choe)

Zambrano-no!

And I don't want to hear any more @#$% about how the Astros were distracted by Ike and Miller Park is basically a home field for the Cubs. The mammal is large and he destroyed my fantasy team.

Particle Accelerator Tested, Reality Still Exists

Scientists in Switzerland fired up the Large Hadron Collider today and the Earth was not eaten by black holes as many predicted. The Collider is the largest particle accelerator in the world and was a steal at $9 billion dollars. It basically sends a bunch of protons around an underground tunnel in order to unlock the secrets of the universe. Hmm... shooting tiny things down a tunnel to unlock the reason for being... I think I just figured it out for free. Big Hadron hasn't actually collided anything yet and will begin particle smashing in the next couple months, so all of existence isn't in the clear yet. There is speculation that the L.H.C. could create tiny black holes (that are hopefully too small for the whole planet swallowing thing and instead lead to Narnia or Wonderland) or the ever elusive dark matter that combines with Topher Grace to form Spider-Man's arch nemesis Venom.

Put Lipstick On Your Very Own Pig Doll!

Now you can own America's number one hockey milf with real redneck rifle action grip! And when you really need to bust out the big guns, there's Sarah Palin Super Hero Action Figure with Pentecostal pistol pouch strapped to her baby spitting birthing hips. Abort this liberals! HeroBuilders.com also offers Beach Blanket Obama and Plush John McCain.

The NFL Abridged: Week 1

Skins 7 - Giants 16
The Super Bowl champs' highly publicized losses on defense didn't stop them from going 1-0. More importantly, four-foot-tall IU alum, Antwaan Randle El led the Redskins in receiving.

Bengals 10 - Ravens 17
At long last, the official debut of Ocho Cinco... and he caught one pass for 22 yards.

Jets 20 - Dolphins 14
Apparently that obscure guy they got from Green Bay can still throw balls. Also, @#$% Ronnie Brown.

Chiefs 10 - Douchebags 17
Karma = Bitch.

Texans 17 - Steelers 38
Willie Parker already has one more touchdown than all of last year. Also, @#$% Ronnie Brown.

Jags 10 - Titans 17
Vince Young = The new Britney Spears.

Lions 21 - Atlanta 34
One pass, one touchdown in the first sequence of the Matt Ryan era.

Pirates 20 - Saints 24
I guess Kim Kardashian's ass contains the key to not sucking at football.

Rams 3 - Eagles 38
Yep, the Rams are still terrible and McNabb is still good for the first three games of the season.

Cowboys 28 - Doo Doo Browns 10
Still waiting for Anderson to get hurt so I can find Cleveland interesting.

Panthers 26 - Chargers 24
The countdown to Merriman's knee exploding like the Death Star continues.

Cards 23 - 49ers 13
At least Matt Leinart doesn't have to take a break from beer bonging with fat teenage girls to play football anymore.

Bears 29 - Colts 13
Matt Forte is looking good. Peyton is looking... like he'll be fine by next week.

Vikings 19 - Cheese Heads 24
Good for Rodgers.

Broncos 41 - Raiders 14
Horrendous, horrendous team.

Are These The New Ghostbusters?

Sigh. Apparently Ghostbusters 3 may be a reality after all. Of course it won't be Ghostbusters in Hell with Ben Stiller replacing Bill Murray, but instead a complete reboot with none of the original actors (at least not in a central role). Office writers Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg have been called upon to write this probable disaster and have already worked with Harold Ramis on a Judd Apatow film to be released in 2009. Seeing as these Office cats like to stick together, it isn't too far fetched to imagine the NBC sitcom contributing several actors to the cast of GB3... or the whole thing could disappear by next year. One can only hope... Oh no, I just had a vision of Seth Rogan playing Slimer as a pothead with the munchies.

How Cuuuuuuuute!

Bloggers Everywhere Resisting Urge To Type "Houston We Have A Problem Child"

Apparently Yao Ming is a little wary of his new teammate, Ron Artest. I certainly have no idea why that would be. Ron seems to think it's because the thirty-seven other black guys on the Rockets don't really represent the culture like he does, not because he, you know, punches people. He thinks Yao just isn't used to ghetto. Actually, the Rockets could probably use a little ghetto. Maybe Ron can turn T-Mac into less of a pussy. Maybe he can make Yao stop apologizing to the other team for blocking their shot. Maybe it's time Houston's two best players tried not being pillowy soft and started going Ron Ron on some folks. They could also try not being injured for 90% of the season. By the way, is Steve Francis really still technically on this team? Really?

The Teensy Weensy Stack

Wolverine #67
Mark Millar has definitely come up with some enjoyable possible-Marvel-future quirks which stem from the fact that the villains from his 1985 series clearly somehow win and take over the world. Which world that is remains to be seen, but it's surely one where Spidey doesn't get back together with Mary Jane... unless they adopt. I'm not sure how this will tie in with Fantastic Four yet, but props for bringing the badass back to Hawkeye. (A)

Green Lantern #33
The reasons for the retelling of Hal Jordan's origin begin to become clear as Geoff Johns shows the seed planting for the Blackest Night saga. I just wish it would hurry up and get here so I know that this was worth it. I do, however, like the way Johns clouds GL's identity from Carol Ferris. Always nice to give a reason why superheroes' girlfriends never realize their dudes' secret identities. (A-)

Thor #10
We're almost a year into this series and Thor still hasn't fought @#$%, save for a brief argument with Iron Man and an imaginary tussle alongside his pops in the underworld. Don't get me wrong, this everlasting setup is extremely well written and the art is beautiful, but can't something happen every once in a while? And how many pin-up covers of Thor just standing around can we possibly need? (B)

Deschutes Inversion IPA

If an ignorant beer drinker wanted to know what an IPA tasted like, this might be the perfect example to give them. It's hoppy, but unaggressive and shouldn't blow away those with a lesser trained palate. It's got the average citrus and floral flavors with the hint of pine and a sunshiney reddish amber hue. It boasts a 6.8% ABV and while it's a truly refreshing and crisp brew, it doesn't necessarily bring anything new to the table. She may not be a video chick or able to put both legs over her head, but you certainly wouldn't kick this one out of bed. (B)

Junior Pale Hose

600 home run hitter, Ken Griffey Jr. has been traded to the Chicago White Sox. The future Hall of Famer was acquired for a pair of prospects and could be in the Sox lineup tomorrow night. This leads to some confusion over exactly what that lineup will be. With Dye and Quentin in right and left field respectively and Jim Thome at the DH spot, Griffey would most likely have to split time with center fielder Nick Swisher and Paul Konerko, with Swisher covering first when Konerko sits. Whether relevant or not, Konerko, who is having a horrendous year, was not in tonight's game against the Twins. The Sox lost 10 - 6 after the game was delayed by douchebag Minnesotans who threw hats and balls on the field after their manager was tossed.

Best Comic Con Purchase of 2008

This ultra dope Mike Huddleston MF Doom print. I only wish I would have bought the Madlib one as well. Getting the Jim Mahfood Mixtapes was also pretty nice.

Maui Brewing Co's Coconut Porter

When you consider that Maui Brewing Company's beers are made in Hawaii and come in a can, you probably already assume they have two strikes against them, but don't be so quick to dismiss the pleasantly surprising brews. Their Big Swell proves they can pull off an IPA and the Coconut Porter is a unique kind of delicious as well. It pours the color of molasses with a fatass brown head that looks like three inches of nestles quick powder floating on top of your beer. The can gives it a little metallic tinge upfront that sort of blends with the coconut aftertaste. The main body of flavor is a silky semi-sweet espresso infused chocolate that is slightly hopped and somewhat flat. It's not as filling as your usual porter, so you can actually drink more than one at a time, and the 5.7% alcohol won't kill you either. This desserty treat is reminiscent of a somewhat exotic looking girl with thick hips that you're not quite sure is hot, but then you find out she can do that dueling banjos thing with her glutes. (B+)

Absolutely Horrifying

Seriously? Manga Bill Murray? Only alcohol can make this go away.

This Just Isn't Right

You Know It's A Slow Sports Week When The Flavor Of Shaq's @$$ Gets a Twenty Minute Segment On SportsCenter

Shaq freestyled (loose use of the term). TMZ was there. ESPN actually put this on the air.

Round One To The North

Fri, Jun 20
CWS 3
CUBS 4

Sat, Jun 21
CWS 7
CUBS 11

Sun, Jun 22
CWS 1
CUBS 7

(Round two starts Friday on the South Side.)

Another Boring Pacer Trade That Wouldn't Really Make Any Sense or: Maybe Larry Bird Is Just Trying To Danny Ainge Us

A young, usually broken point guard for an old, permanently broken power forward? Thanks, but no thanks. The Indiana Pacers are allegedly in discussion with the Toronto Raptors to ship their six-time All-Star and franchise player, Jermaine O'Neal out of Indy for the decidedly underwhelming T.J. Ford. Ford, a slightly above average floor general when he's not injured, has more than likely lost his starting spot to Jose Calderon and has also been mentioned in a possible swap with the Suns for Boris Diaw. The Pacers have already suffered through one point guard who shows flashes of semi-greatness but spends more time on the trainer's table than on the court. The last thing they need is a reload of Jamaal Tinsley. Why not look closer for trade options? The neighboring Chicago Bulls are in desperate need of a scoring big man and veteran leadership. They have more undersized guards than Amy Winehouse has scabies and are about to draft another one with the first pick in the draft. Kirk Hinrich has a similarly cumbersome contract to O'Neal's and is much less likely than Ford to be walking on plastic ankles by age thirty. The Pacers also have the option of taking D.J. Augustin with the 11th pick in the draft, but acquiring a point guard through a trade would free them up to fill another need... every position on the floor that can't be played by Danny Granger.

The Itsy Bitsy Stack

Incredible Hercules #118
Alien shape-shifting cyborg coyote puppies and hot weepy demigod on demigod action. What's not to like? (A)

Wolverine #66
I like the Hillbilly Hulks and it seems like this will be a fun one, but not much happened in the first issue of Millar's epic. (B+)

X-Factor #32
The first era of Peter David's new X-Factor has come to an end in a fairly unspectacular manner and I'm really not looking forward to the She-Hulk Skrull crossover... or Longshot and Hip Hop Darwin (B)

Amazing Spider-Man #563
I get it. Quesada doesn't like smoking. Apparently sharing that viewpoint is all you need to write Marvel's highest profile character, cuz you definitely don't need skill. (D)

Pie!

From: Beards Of Our Forefathers:
A Collection of Wondermark Comic Strips

Done

You'd think all that money he held out for his rookie season could have paid for a taxi.

Chicago Sports Update

The Cubs are still number one in baseball after inexplicably splitting the weekend series against the mediocre Dodgers. Their pitching continues to look shaky, especially with The Large Mammal's blood at a constant frothy boil.

The Southsiders' bats woke up last weekend as they dropped 10, 11, and 12 runs in consecutive games on the Twins. Joe Crede had five home runs over the course of said games as Ozzie's latest tirade seems to have worked. With yet another win over Minnesota today, the Sox have chalked up seven in a row and lead the Central by 6.5 games.

After somehow not actually hiring Doug Collins, the Chicago Bulls have offered the head coaching job to the completely inexperienced Vinnie Del Negro. Best known for his stellar mullet, Vinnie takes over as the whacky rumors of trading the number one pick in the draft for Dwayne Wade and the number two pick have seemed to fade away.

Cedric Benson is in trouble with the law yet again, picking up a DWI in Texas on Saturday, hot on the heels of his drunken boating arrest about a month ago. Benson, who is now equally disappointing off of the field as he is on it may have played his last game for the floundering Bears.

Super Happy Lego Funtime

Check out some more of this dude's lego recreations of famous photographs here.

And in case you missed it, here's a collection of a ridiculous amount of custom made lego comic book characters.

Amanda Lucas Gets Done To Her What Every Self Respecting Star Wars / Indiana Jones Fan Wishes They Could Do To Her Father

So apparently George Lucas' daughter is some sort of MMA fighter... and apparently she's not a very good one. After her first match she looked like Darth Vader with his mask off. I guess her opponent, Nicki Kavanaugh, really really hates CG gophers.

The Ridiculously Fat Stack

Giant-Size Astonishing X-men #1
Well, that was almost actually worth the wait. Good to see that the door for Kitty's return is sort of left open and that Brand has a healthy appetite for pony breaking. (A+)

1985 #1
Kind of hard to tell how this one's going to turn out. So far there doesn't seem to be much point in setting it in the real world. I just hope this kid doesn't save the day with his imagination or something. (A-)

Final Crisis #1
It's definitely a pretty book. I just wish the countdown to it didn't... you know... exist. (A-)

Uncanny X-Men #498
At least Brubaker isn't afraid to try and make lame-ass 90's villains relevant. What with giving the X-Men hippie code names, he may not be afraid of anything. (B)

X-Men Legacy #212
Damn, this thing sure comes out a lot. Starting to get repetitive though. (B)

Batman #677
Oooh, Bruce Wayne might be crazy. How original. Tony Daniel is just gawdawful. (C)

The New Avengers #41
While it's better than that horrid Sentry tale in Mighty it does seem kind of unnecessary. (C)

All that and there's still All Star Superman, Iron Fist, Thor, GL, DD, and X-Force to go. Expensive.

Full Disclosure

Nice of those whacky guys at the CIA to let us know what they're up to.