Peyton Obliterates The Barksdales And Spends Second Half Smoking Their Stash

With 12:37 to go in the third quarter Sunday, Peyton Manning had already run up four touchdowns on Ray "Avon" Lewis and Ed "Stringer" Reed and spent the rest of the game reading about Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo in the Inquirer while sipping on a strawberry mojito. He's Peyton Manning. He can drink what he wants. Two of his scores were to fellow circus peanut, Anthony Gonzalez, and Joseph Addai added three rushing TD's of his own. Baltimore Raven's QB, Kyle Boller gave up three picks and a fumble while amassing only one score of his own. B-more's other two touchdowns came on a kickoff return and rookie quarterback, Troy Smith's first trip to the end zone, punching it through on his feet. Unfortunately, Indy victory trophy, Jim Sorgi was unable to lead the Colts to a hundy, Coach Dungy instead settling for a meager 44.

Raiders Of The Lost Poster Of Doom

Well That Certainly Sucked

With merely a single issue, Jeph Loeb and Joe Madureira have managed to destroy everything good about the Ultimates. The third volume of the series has essentially become a parody of itself and has turned characters that are already hyperbolic versions of their normal Marvel counterparts to even more exponentially exaggerated caricatures. Apparently, subtlety and Mr. Loeb parted ways long ago, paving the way for an uninspired opening chapter which sunk to using the played out sex tape gag, blowing the veil of mystery off the incest between the Maximoffs (which was clearly more fun when it was merely hinted at), and killing off the one character that would have been nice to see used well, seeing that the 616 has already ruined her. If that's not bad enough, the murder was probably perpetrated by what used to be the Ultimate Universe's greatest character... who also looks doomed to soon become Ultimate Bullseye. The murder did, however, bring about the only intriguing question to arise from the issue with the puzzling appearance of a certain cane wielding blonde doctor. I won't even get into the art, since I already bashed the character design when the cover was first revealed, but even the layout design of the pages blows. So thank you, Mr. Loeb and Mr. Madureira. Thank you for ruining the book that once gave me goosebumps in my special parts.

Starbury To Write For Penthouse Forum

After learning he would be relegated to coming off the bench, Stephon Dinglebury skipped Tuesday night's game in Phoenix, infuriated that head coach, Isiah Thomas was not going to start him. The Knicks have fined Marbury over $180,000 for the tantrum and it is unknown whether he will ever play another game in the blue and orange, not that there would be many teams eager to trade for him. Besides his me-first attitude and steady decline in numbers, Starbury makes @$$ tons of money, making the only reason to acquire him that fact that his contract is up in two years or that he could be bought out. A move like this could free up enough cap space in 2009 to lure the like of Andre Iguodala, Emeka Okafor, Luol Deng, or even Kobe Bryant who has the option to opt out of his contract. The cap room could even be used in 2010 in the LeBron and Dwyane sweepstakes.
Of course this is Stephon Marbury we're talking about, so the drama doesn't end here. Not satisfied with the media attention that merely abandoning his team would cause, Marbury has also threatened to blackmail Isiah, stating, "Isiah has to start me. I've got so much [stuff] on Isiah and he knows it. He thinks he can [get] me. But I'll [get] him first. You have no idea what I know." What with Thomas' recent sexual harassment trial, one can only imagine the deliciously sordid tale Stephon has to tell. Was Isiah in the back of that van with Marbury and the intern? If so, how many slices of bologna were involved? Perhaps the two of them went R. Kelly on some underage ball-boys after practice. Either way, at least one of them was at one point confined in some sort of closet-like space.

Well That Sure Took A While

The pre-season darling Chicago Bulls finally got their first win of the season against the Douchetroit Pistons after losing their first four games, including gimmes to the 76ers and Bucks. The Bulls overcame Rasheed Wallace's 36 points and an inability to score in the paint, topping the Motor City Meatheads 97 - 93. Chicago has struggled thus far, partially due to the cloud of uncertainty created by the Kobe Bryant saga. At this point, nearly everyone on the team has been mentioned as possible pieces to be moved in order to gain Satan's services. In fact, at one point I think they mentioned literally trading entire teams. That way Kobe still wouldn't be happy with his squad, but at least he'd get the revenues from once again switching jerseys. Hopefully the whole deal eventually just gets wiped from the table, because the Bulls would certainly have to give up at least one of their young forwards, Joakim Noah and Tyrus Thomas, both of whom showed serious hustle last night; Thomas throwing down 19 points and pulling down 14 boards, and Noah squirting Batman with his acid bow-tie before flying away with his helicopter umbrella. The Bulls hope to keep the wins coming when they play Toronto on Saturday.

Hiatus To End Soon... Sort Of... Maybe.

So, I know a lot of you have been asking yourself, "What happened to my Nasty?" Well, fear not, the Nasty is still with you, just a little ridiculously busy. Postings will soon slowly begin to grace your lives with my special kind of genius once more, but probably not quite as frequently as you're used to. I know this means your personal human experience will be slightly less rich and fulfilling, but I believe adversity will build character within you and make you a stronger person in the end. So keep your chin up faithful reader, and till next time, here's a sexy cartoon to get you through the day.

Beer Fridays XXI

Russian River's Imperial / Double IPA is named after Pliny the Elder, a Roman scholar who helped give hops its botanical name, "Lupus Salictarius", which translates to wolf among scrubs. Pliny the beer definitely fits this description as well. Its double helping of hops gives it the claws to thrash through the inadequate competition of lesser Pale Ale's. It is fragrant, and malty, and borders on the sublime with 8% ABV and 90+ IBUs. Unfortunately, The Elder only comes on tap, which makes drinking it a rare and special occasion, like that super hot girl you met on instant messenger that lives far away but you fly out to see her every once and a while and totally wreck that @#$%. (A+)

The Lost Beer Fridays XX

Moylan's India Pale Ale is surprisingly hoppier than their masterpiece, Hopsickle. It is dry and spicy and pours a deep golden color. It is thinner and has less flavors to explore than its cousin, and only contains 6.5% ABV, but it's still a refreshing hit of bitter beauty. It may not be the first girl at the bar you ogle or accidentally grope on your way to the jukebox, but it is the one aggressive enough to ask for your number... or penis. Either way, you should give it to her. (B+)

New Comic Book Day XXI

It's that time of the week again, when Wednesday rears its beautiful head and the Comic Book Fairy comes down your chimney to hide long boxes in your living room. This week's box will hold the answer to several questions. Will The Brave And The Bold's second arc be as old school thrilling as its first? Will Checkmate continue to be the one decent in-continuity DC book that doesn't have Green Lanterns? Will Bucky escape the clutches of the Red Skull in time to don the ridiculous new black and chrome Cap suit? Will this next Marvel Zombies series finally put the nail in the coffin for this undead franchise that shockingly just won't die? What superhero pastiche will fornicate with what inappropriate person / object / woodland creature in the latest issue of The Boys? And finally, will we get to see Good Bendis, Bad Bendis, or Both? You see, Brian Bendis is the Rex Grossman of comics. Often times, he's throwing perfect touchdown passes with Powers and Ultimate Spider-Man, but he just as frequently tosses long bomb interceptions with anything he touches that says Avengers. With both the much delayed Mighty A's #5 and a new issue of Powers releasing this week, we will probably see both side of this comic-quarterback's coin. But, who knows, maybe he'll surprise us and throw a short slant in the end zone to Naked Ultron Girl's tight end. Get it, because tight end is a football position and a reference to her behind. Double entendre! Oh, and pick of the week goes to Brubaker's Cap #31, of course.

The NFL Abridged: Week VI

(STL 3 - BAL 22) Still no wins for the lowly Rams as they couldn't overcome their QB's six turnovers quite as well as the Cowboys last week.

(MIN 34 - CHI 31) Seriously, WTF was that? I don't even want to talk about it.

(MIA 31 - CLE 41) I wonder how much longer it will take for some Quinn trade rumors to start popping up. Chicago isn't far away Brady...

(WAS 14 - GB 17) Santana Moss put this one on himself and I can't say I blame him.

(HOU 17- JAC 37) The Jags continue to battle it out with the Titans for second place in the AFC South.

(CIN 20 - KC 27) Larry Johnson finally had a decent game. Gonzalez had a great one. Cincinnati is a tiger-striped pile of poop.

(PHI 16 - NYJ 9) I was very confused when I saw the Eagles playing the Wolverines and even more so that the Jets changed up their uniforms and didn't go with pink.

(TEN 10 - TB 13) Another dookilicious performance by the anointed one Young leaves the Booty Plunderers tied for first in the NFC South.

(CAR 25 - ARI 10) The other team leading that division? The Carolina Panthers, led by 68-year-old Vinny Testaverde.

(NE 48 - DAL 27) This weeks marquee matchup ended up being about what anyone would have guessed, the Boys getting steamrolled, T.O. and Moss about breaking even, and the Pats being douches and running up the score.

(OAK 14 - SD 28) LT finally gave fantasy owners what they were waiting for with four TDs and almost 200 yards on the ground... not that it's all that impressive against the Panty Raiders.

(NO 28 - SEA 17) The Saints came marching at last, getting their first win against the so-so Seahawks. Bush had a bunch of yards, but no touchdowns to ease the pain of the eventual loss of all his ill-gotten USC accolades. I wonder if they can still reverse the outcome of that ND game...

(NYG 31 - ATL 10) Shockingly, the Falcons are not good. The Lil' Giants are on a roll, but they only play JV so nobody really cares.

Raise Your Glass In Celebration...

...For the 27th anniversary of the Nasty Nation!

New Comic Book Day XX

This week in comics, we'll get World War Hulk tie-ins galore, more New Warriors getting blown up, delightful X-Factor goodness, and the Sinestro War hitting Earth. If that weren't enough, in New Avengers, we'll get the two most overexposed characters of the 90's fused into one, as a Venom symbiote will apparently look to take over Wolverine, bringing Bendis' 8th grade cream dream to fruition. Pick of the week honors go to Joss Whedon's Runaways #28 as fans will look to squeeze as much enjoyment out of this beloved book as they can before Humberto Ramos turns it into some malproportioned manga splooge. On a side note, I'll feel a lovely tingle across my skin as I pass by the DC rack and neglect to pick up the latest issue of Countdown. Breaking the bonds of its insistent and overreaching mediocrity has given me a new appreciation for freedom and liberty.

The NFL Abridged: Week V

(MIA 19 - HOU 22) The flopping Dolphins still have yet to win a game, but if Ricky Williams comes back people may actually talk about them on TV.

(JAC 17 - KC 7) The Chiefs only score came with no time left in an already decided game and LJ continues to stab Fantasy owners in the soul, racking up twelve whole yards on the ground.

(CLE 17 - NE 34) The Douchingtons failed to score 38 and Randy Moss didn't get a touchdown. Also, Tom Brady ate a piece of poo. There's some sort of humble pie thing going on as well.

(CAR 16 - NO 13) Boilermaker's Disease kills.

(NYJ 24 - NYG 35) Yankees suck.

(SEA 0 - PIT 21) Big Ben and company got back on track, despite the injuries, by taking absolute control of time and space against the Latte Lovers.

(ARI 34 - STL 31) What a great week for USC fans! And as an added bonus, we all may soon once again be enjoying the Bart Simpson styled hair of Mrs. Warner.

(DET 3 - WAS 34) Jason Campbell and Washington are starting to look legit and Antwaan Randle El filled in well for Moss before his hamstring injury.

(ATL 13 - TEN 20) Shockingly, a QB controversy is starting to build in Atlanta. Vince Young didn't look so hot either, tossing three picks and no scores.

(TB 14 - IND 33) Missing three of its key players, the Blue Horse still steamrolled the Peg Legs, with backup tailback Kenton Keith picking up 121 yards and two touchdowns. Due to their week six bye, Harrison, Addai, and Sanders will get an extra week of rest before taking on the Jags. Of course, everyone in the media is still giving handjobs to the Patriots.

(SD 41 - DEN 3) Denver's defense is shockingly awful and their offense may loose Travis "High Sperm Count" Henry to the sticky icky. Meanwhile, LT continues to look more like Clark Kent than the man in tights.

(BAL 9 - SF 7) Dilfer vs. McNair was exactly the high-scoring clash of titans you would expect from these seasoned gunslingers.

(CHI 27 - GB 20) I'm not sure how it happened, but the Bears somehow took down the previously undefeated Packers. Five turnovers helped, but Favre still had a chance to tie at the end with his Hail Mary chuck. After the game, Lovie Smith actually uttered the words, "We liked our quarterback play."

(DAL 25 - BUF 24) WTF? Seriously, WTF? Howdy Doody turned the ball over six times! Six! Two of his interceptions were for touchdowns and Buffalo even ran back a kickoff. Yet somehow, the Boys stay unbeaten for one more week.

Beer Fridays XIX

Affligem's Tripel is a delightful and straightforward strong Belgian Blonde. It is pleasant and sweet with a dash of hops and a fruity aroma. Its golden body is somewhat creamy and has a well masked ABV of 8.5%.
It has a bubbly, sunshiny personality, but an ultimately fulfilling finish. Drinking it is probably sort of like getting it on with Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. She's not going to bust out some groundbreaking taboo skinbasket move, but she will be enthusiastic and satisfying. Now Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins? That's some 2 girls 1 cup @#$% right there. (B)

Expletive Expletive Expletive

Ok, so the Cubs are now officially in trouble, and the premature benching of Zambrano is looking more and more nitwitish. Chicago now has to win three games in a row against the surging Diamondback or be tossed from the playoffs. As if their post-season fizzling wasn't depressing enough, I had to wake up to the asinine ESPN's First Take and listen to Mr. 756 AKA Mike "Douchetard" Bacsik criticizing the fact that Ted Lilly threw his mitt on the ground after giving up a home run. This coming from the guy who was clearly more than happy to let Barry Bonds get the all time record breaking dinger off him, thus solidifying years of exposure and commentator jobs. Bacsik went so far as to say that Lilly acted like a ten-year-old when he tossed the glove in anger. Well, excuse me @#$%wad. Some people who play sports are actually competitive and passionate about what they do. Some people don't like to give up homers to get on TV and in the record books. You, Mr. Bacsik, are a whore. You have no right to criticize anyone for showing an emotion other than dimwitted jolliness. Just because you like to bend over and let Barry shove his steroid shrunken penis up the @$$ of baseball history doesn't mean other people need to smile and give someone a high-five for violating their anus. Eat a @#$% Mike.

New Comic Book Day XIX

It's a decidedly sparse Wednesday in Comictown today, with a measly smattering of books drizzling down on humanity. Dini finally swerves back to Detective Comics... but to tell a story from Countdown. There's more Sinestro War in Green Lantern Corps and Cyborg Superman, but if the Superman one is anything like the Parallax tale, it won't be worth the eye strain required to read it.
Marvel's only dropping a couple buyables themselves, but at least they should be somewhat more entertaining since they include the incomparable Brubaker's underwhelming Uncanny and the pick o' the week, MODOK's 11 #4... because it's MODOK.

The NFL Abridged: Week IV

(HOU 16 - ATL 26) Houston is officially back down to earth after their 2-0 start and Joey claims to have found his flow in the ATL... which will last about three minutes into the Falcons' next game.

(NYJ 14 - BUF 17) Damn, the Patriots sure have some stiff competition in the AFC East.

(BAL 13 - CLE 27) The Brady Quinn clock continues to get pushed back and B-more continues to crumble.

(STL 7 - DAL 35) The Cowboys go to 4-0 by beating the irrelevant Rams and now everyone thinks Howdy Doody is suddenly the next Brett Favre.

(CHI 27 - DET 37) Whatever. Griese's three interceptions still somehow seemed more impressive than Grossman's three interceptions last week. Bring on the Jack Daniels baby!

(OAK 35 - MIA 17) Daunte got his groove back with two passing TDs and three, count 'em, three rushing touchdowns. Look for his knee to explode by midweek while picking up the newspaper.

(GB 23 - MIN 16) Congratulations, Brett. You got a record that will last about two years. But seriously, good for you.

(TB 20 - CAR 7) Tampa is on top for now, but the loss of Cadillac does not bode well for the deck swabbers.

(SEA 23 - SF 3) Didn't everybody say the Niners were supposed to be the sleeper team of the year? Something tells me Trent Dilfer won't be waking them up anytime soon.

(PIT 14 - ARI 21) Whisenhunt got his revenge as the Steelers finally got a loss in the battle of the missing receivers.

(DEN 20 - IND 38) Indy continues to roll and everyone continues to praise the Pats. Hopefully Marvin will be ready to go against the Bucs next week.

(KC 30 - SD 16) Time is running out for the fizzling Bolts as every aspect of their team seems to have deteriorated under Norv's guiding hand of craptitude.

(PHI 3 - NYG 16) That's more like the Donovan I know. Although, in all fairness, the injured Brian Westbrook is normally about 96% of the Eagles' offense.

(NE 34 - CIN 13) And the douche keeps on douching.

Congratulations Cubs, And Thank You For Distracting Us From The Bears

Well, they've actually done it. The Chicago Cubs sucked slightly less than the Brewers down the stretch and have won the National League Central, securing their fist playoff berth since the '03 Bartman debacle. The Cubs finished just two games in front of Milwaukee and will open the NLDS against Arizona on Wednesday. While the team has been wildly inconsistent this year, Alfonso Soriano has been steadily hot in September, hitting 14 homers and setting a new club record for the month. If he can keep up the pace and Zambrano is finally over his contract hangover, perhaps all the money Chicago spent this year will be worth it and will bring some happiness to a city reeling from the damage inflicted by the deadly Sex Cannon.

Belated Beer Fridays XVIII

Stone's 11th Anniversary Ale is the rarest of creations. It is described as a black IPA (or IBA) and is a challenge to the palate, boasting a fistful of hops followed by a roasted, almost bittersweet coffee flavor. This strange and delicious mix of citrus and dark malt is extremely refreshing and carries with it an 8.7% ABV. It is a powerful, wonderful, and unique beer, like a Suicide Girl with good hygiene and an oral fixation. (A+)

New Comic Book Day XVIII

There looks to be a decent amount of goodness this week with mystery Marvel beatdowns at Camp Avengers, a triple dose of Marvel Matt Fraction, more Marvel mutants getting their @$$es handed to them, and the marvelous Legion of Doom reenacting the final season of JLU. The most anticipated book of the week award goes to Grant Morrison's batty take on an Agatha Christie classic in Batman #669. And while the writing's good, this one gets the prize for JH Williams III's ridiculously good design. His art is pretty fantastic, but his layouts make your elbows jiggle. If you're into that sort of thing.

The NFL Abridged: Week III

(BAL 26 - ARI 23) Ha! Leinart was so bad that had to put in Kurt "Old Ass Man Who Gets Beaten By His Wife" Warner! Ha! Boldin tore it up for the Cards with 181 yards and a couple touchdowns, but they still lost. Shocking.

(SD 24 - GB 31) Holy crap does Norv Turner suck. Meanwhile, no one's discovered Brett Favre's box of bionic limbs yet.

(STL 3 - TB 24) Frighteningly, Tampa Bay could seriously win their division if Delhomme doesn't return to the Panthers soon.

(SF 16 - PIT 37) Pittsburgh is still undefeated and still looks pretty great.

(DET 21 - PHI 56) I still say Donovan is overrated. Four touchdowns be damned.

(MIA 28 - NYJ 31) Yawn. Although Pussington actually rushed for a score... then cried.

(BUF 7 - NE 38) Douches.

(MIN 10 - KC 13) Still no points for Grandmama 2.0.

(IND 30 - HOU 24) Definitely not as close as the score makes this one seem. Joseph Addai is clearly superhuman.

(CIN 21 - SEA 24) No celebrations for Ocho Cinco, but he got 138 yards. Starbucks still got the win.

(CLE 24 - OAK 26) Nothing's more exciting than games that end with field goal / timeout shenanigans.

(JAC 23 - DEN 14) The Jags were on the field so long that Travis Henry only got 35 yards rushing. He did finally pull a TD though.

(NYG 24 - WAS 17) Reuben Droughns only got one more yard than he did touchdowns.

(CAR 27 - ATL 20) Someone in Carolina should buy DeAngelo Hall a nice fruit basket or something.

(DAL 34 - CHI 10) Yadda yadda, Rex sucks, yadda yadda...

(TEN 31 - NO 14) Captain Skidmark had four interceptions and zero touchdowns. He's probably missing the days of big drums and grand prix's right about now.

What Have You Done, McNulty?

Today in the world of 'Sweet Lord, What Is He Thinking?', Dominic West has inexplicably joined the cast of the next Punisher movie. Apparently satisfied with playing the greatest television role of all time on The Wire, West has decided to use no discretion whatsoever in his selection of big screen roles and will take on the character of the villain Jigsaw. The Punisher: Warzone will also feature Dennis Nedry / Newman himself in the role of Frank Castle's sidekick, Microchip. More like Macrochip! Ha! Unfortunately, all this means that I will eventually be forced to watch this crapfest sequel of a crapfest. Let's just hope they don't bring back John Travolta as a ghost or some @#$%. Then they could put Nic Cage in the movie too.

Behold...

The shiny beam of glimmering hope that shall save us all from the wickedness that is Rex Grossman!

Beer Fridays XVII

Oaked Arrogant Bastard is a smooth operator. It is much more stealthy than its father in that its creamy body slides easily across your palate, saving its brutal attack till later in the taste experience. While still containing plenty of beautiful bitterness and awe inspiring alcohol, O.A.B. takes the original Bastard and infuses it with smokey campfire flavor, Stone Brewing Company's special alchemy once again turning hops and barley to pure gold. If Arrogant Bastard smacks your momma's @$$, Oaked Arrogant Bastard does it on the bearskin rug next to the fireplace while bumping Barry White. The world and their naughty moms should rejoice that this once seasonal delight is now available for year round enjoyment... in a six-pack even. (A+)

Kenyon Bajus

World Police (By Kenyon Bajus)

New Comic Book Day XVII

The color green takes center stage again this week with the releases of World War Hulk #4 and the Senestro War Parallax special. Of course since the rest of both the Marvel and DC universe's current stories take place after these events, there isn't much suspense left in either one. However, Hulk vs. Giant Dr. Strange should be fairly entertaining. Although, technically, Strange should just be able to toss Banner in another dimension with a wiggle of his little finger. This Wednesday also brings us another delicious installment of The Adventures of Bucky and the introduction of The Greatest Avenger Of All Time into the Marvel Adventures' continuity.

The NFL Abridged: Week II (Now New And Improved With Scores!)

(HOU 34 - CAR 21) Houston is undefeated. Also, cats and dogs are living together... mass hysteria. By the way, Steve Smith is some sort of mutant superhero.

(CIN 45 - CLE 51) Looks like we won't be seeing Mr. Quinn anytime soon, which is a shame, because the NFL could really use an openly gay quarterback other than Jeff Garcia. And how about the sudden resurrection of Jamal "Jail-Time" Lewis and Chad Johnson causing massive beer wastage?

(IND 22 - TEN 20) Waaay to close for comfort and Vince Young was a whiny b#$% in this one. On the bright side, Gonzalez seems like everything he was cracked up to be.

(NO 14 - TB 31) Looks like this week's USC karma has caught Reggie Bush. Time for a steady diet of Deuce, since Senior Skidmark isn't getting the job done in the air. And how about Joey Galloway? Forty-seven years old and he's running off 135 with two end zone flexes.

(SF 17 - STL 16) The 49ers being undefeated isn't quite as surprising as the Texans, but the Steelers will demolish them next week.

(BUF 3 - PIT 26) Fast Willie is still fast. Jeff Reed is still ridiculous.

(GB 35 - NYG 13) Green Bay is also unbeaten, but how long will it be until Brett Favre is caught shooting Cialis into his biceps?

(ATL 7 - JAC 13) Couldn't care less.

(SEA 20 - ARI 23) See above. Although, the Cards did finally win a close one.

(DAL 37 - MIA 20) Looks like T.O. was right about drafting him to your fantasy team. He already has 184 yards and three TDs.

(MIN 17 - DET 20) Yet another surprisingly 2-0 team in the Lions. I'm not quite ready to go with Kitna's ten win prediction but that dude is like the Tasmanian Devil combined a train wreck combined with Joe Swanson from Family Guy.

(OAK 20 - DEN 23) Josh McCown threw for 73 yards and three picks Sunday. They may want to throw Double Stuff Dante in there before some GWAR reject bites his head off.

(KC 10 - CHI 20) Sex Cannon still sucks, but Benson seems to be coming along and Berrian can catch a football. Oh yeah, and Devin Hester is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen that doesn't have boobies.

(NYJ 13 - BAL 20) Both backup QBs did aight in this one, but you know Mangenius is gonna throw Chad Pussington back in there next week. They really should just wear pink uniforms in New York. Both teams.

(SD 14 - NE 38) The Patriots are really trying to be @$$hats at this point. After the game, Tom Brady called Belichick the greatest coach of all time and Tedy Bruschi said it was their most satisfying win ever. I don't think I've ever seen a team of more arrogant jerk-off douchebags in my lifetime. They even beat out Leinart's USC team and the Yankees, and come close to topping the Shaq and Kobe Lakers. Ugh. I want to throw up.

(WAS 20 - PHI 12) I'm not ready to call Donovan washed up... just overrated from the start. In all fairness though, his receivers dropped a couple game changers on Monday night. Philly definitely can't blame anything on Westbrook. Dude ran for 96 and caught for 66.

Beer Fridays XVI

Bear Republic's Racer 5 is your standard quality IPA. It utilizes hybrid, high alpha acid Columbus hops to give it it's bitter bite and floral flavor. The addition of Cascade hops help smooth your way to a malty and fruity finish and the high ABV will help you forget the pain and anguish in your dark, dark soul. It may be a nice way to usher the hop-hater over from the dark ages without blowing out their taste buds, sort of like watching Cinemax with your girlfriend to get her primed for a screening of Saturday Night Beaver or Butch Lesbian and the Lapdance Kid. (B+)

The Ongoing Saga Of The NBA's Ever Growing Spectacularity

It was yet another truly awesome day for the NBA today as the Portland Trail Blazers lost this year's number one draft pick, Greg Oden, for most likely the entirety of his rookie season. Oden went under the knife for an exploratory look at his right knee, only to end up needing microfracture surgery. Once one of the few positive stories in the NBA and a seemingly generally good guy, he will now be on crutches for two months and take six to twelve to fully recover, leaving the Trail Blazers as the likely recipients of back to back top picks.

Meanwhile, on the other coast, New York Knick's point guard and captain of douchebaggery, Stephon Marbury, testified in the sexual harassment lawsuit against Isiah Thomas. He called the proceedings a joke, called the plaintiff a black b#$% and stated that "Money makes you do crazy things, man," after recounting his exploits of luring a drunken intern into a truck to play hide the Starbury outside a strip club. He also most likely threw bologna slices at her while she did a jiggly naked dance to UGK's Like That, but that's just my hypothesis. Not that there's anything wrong with throwing processed deli meat at a chick while she twerks it, but this is the self-proclaimed greatest point guard in the league who wants to be Italy's basketball Beckham and calls dog fighting a sport. He also drove away from the courthouse with his head out the window, apparently reenacting one of the acts he described on the stand. The man has class, people.

New Comic Book Day XVI

This week in comics is filled with several great struggles and conflicts sure to shake reality to its core. Hopefully the forces of good will prevail as the god of thunder takes on Oklahoma, a six-armed space vixen takes on Matt Fraction, three green guys take on a mostly naked blue girl, the Heroes for Hire take on tentacle porn, Luke Cage takes on his baby's mamma, Frankie takes on Bucky, Excelsior takes on 80's movie posters, the Ultimates take on continuity, Layla takes on shallow water, and of course, Daredevil takes on the number 100... again... Only this time, Brubaker is writing it so it's the highlight of the week.

The Shaqmobile

Apparently, this is Shaq's party bus. I'm not sure how Superman feels about being associated with known mobsters, but I know I feel a throbbing sensation behind my eyeballs.

The NFL Abridged: Week I

At least the seats were good.

The Horse is still galloping.

Elam redeems himself.

Apparently T.O. was right about Favre and McNabb.

Houston actually wins.

The Patriots like to watch.

Big Ben is apparently back. Quinn is coming.

Randle-El is good.

Garrard is not.

Joey needs to get an endearing STD clinic alias, stat.

Everyone with the 2nd pick in their fantasy draft is not happy.

Rex Grossman sucks just as bad up close.

Oakland finally signs JaMarcus for 80 billion and a box of Oreos.

Jon Gruden will be fired soon.

Boys have a penis. Eli has a vagina.

Ocho Cinco can do better than that.

Karma has caught Matt Leinart.

Groan

Beer Fridays XV

With a name like Victory's Hop Devil, you'd think you'd be getting a pretty potent IPA. Strangely enough, it actually seems more malty than hoppy and is far too smooth to be a demon's brew. It's copper colored and copper flavored with the standard soft citrus tang and medium carbonation. While decently refreshing, it fails to deliver much of a punch and has a fairly weak 6.7% ABV. It's not quite a butter face, maybe more of a fifty footer with @#$%-tons of makeup or just a fairly hot girl who talks a big game but has cold fish syndrome when it counts. I suppose you could drink it with a paper bag over your taste buds. Ok, maybe it's not actually that bad, but don't believe the hype. Hopefully Victory's Hop Wallop puts their money where their mouth is. (C+)

Go Horse!

Makes me proud to be a Hoosier. (Found via Kissing Suzy Kolber)

New Comic Book Day XV

Due to Labor Day, new books were pushed back to Thursday this week, but they seemingly have the potential to be worth the wait. We'll get to see Simon Pegg versus the horny Robo-Batman, Hulk versus a little Asian kid, former mutants versus the dawning of the age of Aquarius, Beast versus drugs, and MODOK versus a pimple. Could you imagine? That zit would be the size of the Epcot Center. The most anticipated book, however, has got to be Doktor Sleepless #2 by Warren Ellis, the king of everything that makes me happy. The world wants to know where their jet-packs and flying cars are and a Mad Scientist with a pirate radio station is here to help them find the answer. Also, this week sees the release of the first issue of Joe Q's overblown quest to de-marry Peter Parker and Mary Jane. Seriously, who's supposed to do Spider-Man's laundry now? Whatever, I'm sure as hell not buying it. Bring on Dan Slott and just kill that old bag Aunt May once and for all.

The Return

That's right folks, the NFL's 2007 kickoff is just one day away. The Colts will look to make martyrs of the Saints at 8:30 pm EST on NBC Thursday night as they start their bid to repeat as Super Bowl champs. Meanwhile, the Bears will tear through LT's house on Sunday afternoon as they face off against the overrated Chargers. While San Diego and New England are going into the season as everybody's favorites to win, everybody is clearly a douche bag. The Bears have relatively the same squad, with little competition in the pathetic NFC, and the Colts may have questions on the defensive end, but no more so then they did last year. Look forward to a Super Bowl rematch, but hopefully with a less drunk Rex Grossman... or heaven forbid Kyle "Jack Daniels Is My Lifeblood" Orton.

Beer Fridays XIV

St. Bernardus 12 is a special kind of happy. It is a joy formed of silky malts and flavorful figs. It is a deep, mahogany, Belgian happy baked with love and yeast. A chocolate chip cookie kind of happy. A creamy tantric love session with a passionate caramel complected beauty kind of happy. It possesses a strong 10.5% ABV, a soft sugary underbelly, and a sumptuous dark fruit aroma. This chewy, monk-crafted, faintly carbonated quad will not disappoint those seeking a hearty voyage into deliciousness. (A+)

New Comic Book Day XIV

This week is kind of pathetic, actually, with only three things coming out on the pull list. There's World War Hulk X-men, where we get to see how many other mutants Banner can punch, there's another Countdown where we get to see how bad the DC universe can possibly be after being punched, and then there's Avengers Initiative #5, which is the best of the byte sized bunch, but will probably be nothing more than us getting to see what other kids Banner can punch. This week is so weak, I may actually have to buy Teen Titans. At least it's not crossing over with Amazons Attack anymore. Issue #49 may have been the worst thing I've ever read. Wait, it's crossing over with Blue Beetle now? @#$% this, I'll go to the store next week.

For Your Ear Hole: Oh No - Dr. No's Oxperiment

Dr. No's Oxperiment is the latest in Stones Throw's nearly flawless line of instrumental releases and clearly cements Oh No's position alongside his brother Madlib and the dearly departed J Dilla as one of today's hottest beatsmiths. No uses a recipe of MPC2000 and finely chopped Middle Eastern samples to bake this flavorful platter of aural appetizers. The satisfying blend of Mediterranean funk goes down smooth and quick as not a single track is allowed to test your attention span, each one clocking under two minutes. Fans of the Chrome Children compilations will find Heavy's guitar sample familiar as it blasts open the album and you'll be hard pressed not to twist your pelvis to the delicious bass line of Exp Out The Ox. Other highlights include the dirty spy theme, My Luck and the Temple of Doom-ish Ohhhhhh. Every cut on Dr. No's is a seamless blend of banging beats and spicy world soul and proves that this other Michael Jackson is far more than the Beat Konducta's brother. (A+)

Joy Ang

Terrosel (By Joy Ang)

Nasty For The People

T-shirts coming soon.

Beer Fridays XIII

Sierra Nevada Summerfest isn't bad for a pilsner-style lager, but it's still a pilsner-style lager. It's extremely light and could make for an expensive game of beer pong or a way to satiate your Bud-drinking friends at a barbecue. It goes through a somewhat complex progression of taste in your mouth and is like a more advanced domestic macro-beer at its worst and barely reminiscent of Sierra Nevada's classic pale ale at its best. It starts mostly sweet with a faint fruity, almost melony feel countered by slightly tangy and peppery finish. Most of the bite comes from the carbonation as opposed to the hops that are sorely lacking for a Sierra. It's basically a ditzy blonde, light headed without much substance, but it looks good on the beach. Maybe Jenny McCarthy in her better days. You know, the days when internet porn was mostly black and white and it took two hours to download one picture to your Macintosh Classic, but at least halfway through you got some nipple. (C-)

Just A Reminder...

Three days to new Dingo.

For Your Ear Hole: Talib Kweli - Ear Drum

While it certainly doesn't touch Black Star, Reflection Eternal, or Quality, Ear Drum is a welcome return to form for Talib Kweli after his underwhelming Beautiful Struggle. It stumbles a couple times, mostly thanks to will.i.am and Justin Timberlake on Say Something and The Nature respectively, but has an equal amount of highlights. Madlib's trio of tracks infuse the album with nostalgic soul, including Soon the New Day, which features a warm and sultry hook by Norah Jones. Pete Rock twists an Elton John sample into the hard hitting Holy Moly and the flute laced Listen!!! by Kwame is certainly the most movement inducing track. The requisite Kanye West appearance will get you In the Mood with its laid back groove and Kweli and KRS-One rip apart Bob Marley's Do It Twice on The Perfect Beat. While it seems Talib can't quite stay away from trying to drift in the mainstream, Ear Drum should still keep the backpack fans happy. It's not overflowing with bangers and head nodders, but it is a smooth listen with only a couple necessary skips. (B)

30 Runs... Just So You Know, I Totally Called That

Tuesday night, the Disneyland Angels crapped on the Yankees 18-9. "18," I said, "That's a lot of runs, but still not enough to make the Angels the slightest bit interesting. You know what would really be something?" I pondered as my inner monologue continued, "30 runs. Now THAT would be something." Apparently my reality altering powers were in full swing, because low and behold, come Wednesday night the Texas Rangers drop the big three zero on the Orioles in a 30-3 romperstomping of legendary proportions. Of course, I don't yet have total control over my abilities, or else it would have been the Cubs or Chi Sox doing the damage. I will have you know, however, that the only team to ever score more runs in a game is the Cubs, who put up 36 against Louisville in 1897. In truth, they were known as the Colts at the time, but they were still in Chicago.
The Baltimore Orioles actually led at the outset last night, scoring the first three runs of the game. The Rangers didn't break through till the fourth, scoring five in that inning and then putting up nine in the sixth. And seeing as an eleven run lead clearly isn't enough to make your opponent decide he's no longer a man and end up in fishnets and pumps on Santa Monica Blvd., they scored ten more times in the eighth and really peed in the wound in the ninth with another six footprints on home plate. All this from a team tied for the second worst record in the American League.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia was the big star of the game, tallying four hits, two homers, and seven RBI. Who knew someone named after a stomach virus could be so good? Were Saltycaca and the Rangers being jerks for continuing to run up the score? Probably, but they're from Texas, what do you expect? And Baltimore shouldn't worry about it too much, a new season of The Wire is right around the corner. Who needs baseball when you've got Omar Little.

Apparently Latrell Sprewell Will Not Be Able To Feed His Family On A Boat

According to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, a federal marshal has repossessed former NBA chokesmith, Latrell Sprewell's 1.5 million dollar yacht. Spree has allegedly failed to make his $10,322 monthly payments or maintain insurance for the boat and still owes 1.3 million dollars on his loan. I guess maybe he shouldn't have turned down that insulting 21 million dollar contract from the T'wolves. But, you know, as he said, "They're not doing anything for me. I'm at risk. I have a lot of risk here. I got my family to feed. Anything could happen." Also keep in mind, this is the same boat on which he was charged with choking a woman during sex. The man loves to choke, people. He also apparently loves The Beast, since he named his yacht "Milwaukee's Best". I'm not sure how anyone develops a taste for rancid ass juice, but I guess if anyone would, it's Latrell Sprewell.

New Comic Book Day XIII

When I saw what was being shipped this week, I honestly thought there must have been a typo... Astonishing X-Men #22 will finally be released today. The first of only three issues left in Joss Whedon's run on the title finds our merry mutants on the Breakworld, trying to prevent the re-killing of Colossus. But will saving his life mean dooming a planet? And when the hell does this story take place anyway? Other sweet action for the week includes Ten Little Bat-Dudes, Fu-Fest 2007, Tommy Lee Jones on Prozac, The Beast With Two Backs, a Super Sex-Tape, and Mogo Mania.

Ron Mexico Vs. The Axis Of Evil

Now that Michael Vick has decided to plead guilty to dog fighting charges, he will probably go down as one of the worst douchebags known to man. But just how despicable is Mr. Mexico? The only way to answer that question is to pit him against some of history's other great villains, masterminds of their perspective evil endeavors. So, find out how Michael Vick stacks up against some of the most sinister criminal ringleaders of all time in Ron Mexico Vs. The Kingpin Vs. Skeletor Vs. Serpentor.

Position or Title:
Vick: Atlanta Falcons' Former Quarterback (#7)
Kingpin: Kingpin of Crime
Skeletor: Evil Lord of Destruction, Overlord of Evil
Serpentor: Supreme Emperor of Cobra
Winner: Skeletor

Other Identities:
Vick: Ron Mexico, Ookie, Superman (Self Annointed)
Kingpin: Wilson Fisk, Harold Howard, The Brainwasher
Skeletor: Keldor, Scare Glow, Alan Oppenheimer
Serpentor: Julius Caesar, Napoleon Bonaparte, Genghis Khan, Etc.
Winner: Vick

Crimes Committed:
Vick: Knowingly gave a woman herpes, Gave his own fans the double bird, Tried to bring marijuana on a plane in a water bottle, Ran a dog fighting ring and executed several dogs, General douchey behavior
Kingpin: Responsible for the shooting of Aunt May, Responsible for his son becoming the criminal, The Rose, and his wife killing said son, General crime lord activities
Skeletor: Tricking He-Man into thinking he killed a man, General incompetent villainous behavior
Serpentor: Responsible for the deaths of several G.I. Joes, Responsible for the G.I. Joe series jumping the shark, General terrorist activities
Winner: Vick

Base of Operations:
Vick: Southeast Virginia, Atlanta
Kingpin: New York City, Hell's Kitchen
Skeletor: Snake Mountain in Eternia
Serpentor: Cobra Island, Cobra La, Monolith Base
Winner: Vick (It don't get much more evil than Virginia... except maybe West Virginia)

Origin:
Vick: Impressive quarterback play during high school in Newport News led to two successful seasons at Virginia Tech. He left after his red shirt sophomore year and was drafted number one by the Atlanta Falcons in the 2001 NFL Draft.
Kingpin: Was a poor, overweight child who was repeatedly bullied until he trained in physical combat and started his own gang. He was then made Don Rigoletto's bodyguard, eventually killing him and becoming a powerful crime lord.
Skeletor: Was either a demon from another dimension or the long lost brother of King Randor whose magical experiments went awry.
Serpentor: A clone created by Dr. Mindbender to lead Cobra whose DNA consists of Julius Caesar, Napoleon Bonaparte, Attila the Hun, Philip II of Macedon, Alexander the Great, Ivan the Terrible, Vlad the Impaler, Hannibal, Genghis Khan, Grigori Rasputin, and several others
Winner: Serpentor

Goals:
Vick: Win a Super Bowl, Do dumb $#@%
Kingpin: Run New York City, Eat Twinkies
Skeletor: Gain control of The Power of Grayskull, Rule Eternia
Serpentor: Rule the World
Winner: Skeletor

Enemies:
Vick: PETA, Roger Goodell, Sonya Elliott, Dogs
Kingpin: Daredevil, Spider-Man, The Punisher
Skeletor: He-Man, The Sorceress of Castle Grayskull, King Randor
Serpentor: G.I. Joe, Cobra Commander (Fred VII), The Baronness
Winner: Kingpin

Associates:
Vick: Marcus Vick, Aaron Brooks, Alge Crumpler
Kingpin: Bullseye, Elektra, Typhoid Mary
Skeletor: Hordak, Evil-lyn, Beast Man, Two-Bad, Trap-Jaw, Tri-Klops
Serpentor: Dr. Mindbender, Firefly, Globulus
Winner: Kingpin

Affiliations:
Vick: The Atlanta Falcons, Bad Newz Kennels
Kingpin: HYDRA, Fujikawa Industries
Skeletor: The Snake Mountain Evil Warriors, The Horde
Serpentor: Cobra, The Coil, Cobra-La
Winner: Serpentor

Powers and Abilities:
Vick: Agility, Enhanced Speed, Mediocre Throwing Skills
Kingpin: Enhanced Strength, Intelligence, Martial Arts
Skeletor: Mystical Powers, Mind Powers, Teleportation
Serpentor: Military Command, Enhanced Strength, Difficulty to Kill
Winner: Skeletor

Weapons:
Vick: His Feet, Apparently Anything He Could Use To Kill Dogs
Kingpin: Diamond Studded Cane, Rolodex of Assassins
Skeletor: Havoc Staff, Energy Blade
Serpentor: Snake Javelin, Flying Chariot
Winner: Skeletor

Media Appearances:
Vick: Every Other Second of ESPN
Kingpin: Portrayed by Michael Clarke Duncan in crappy Daredevil movie and John Rhys-Davies in Trial of the Incredible Hulk TV Movie
Skeletor: Robot Chicken, World of Warcraft, Once A Hero
Serpentor: G.I. Joe: The Movie
Winner: Vick

Pets:
Vick: Lots of Pitbulls
Kingpin: No Notable Pets
Skeletor: Panthor
Serpentor: Lots of Snakes
Winner: Vick

Downfall:
Vick: Co-defendants accepted plea bargains
Kingpin: Beat up by both Daredevil and Peter Parker and agreed to leave the country after his wife's death
Skeletor: Never was very bright
Serpentor: Assassinated by Zartan's arrow and buried inside volcano / Fell off cliff into the ocean
Winner: Serpentor

And there you have it, Michael Vick narrowly edges out Skeletor by a score of 5 to 4 for the title of Most Evilest Douchebag Criminal Ringleader Supreme. Serpentor followed with 3 and Kingpin ended up in last with 2.

Know Your Dingo: Simon

Simon is the marble mouthed son of Killface. He expresses his emotions mostly through the smashing of his Kap'n Krump cereal bowl and the word "boosh". He has good taste in hip-hop music and television and also enjoys homebrewing and rabbit death matches. He struggles with his physique and his grades, but excels at criminal behavior. He misses his former residence of Arizona and nobody gets him. He has recently stolen a pair of Xtacle rocket pants and all the knives in his fathers house and joined Torpedo Vegas' underground fight ring in Chinatown. It is not known whether he is living or dead since he activated the Annihilatrix. Simon is in your extended network.

Six days to new Dingo.

Beer Fridays XII

Anchor Brewing Company's Liberty Ale basically tastes like yeast, astringent, and a slice of banana. It seems like it's trying to be an IPA, yet is dominated by its grain and malt flavor. It is highly carbonated, but its consistency is bread-like and somewhat toasty. It is a golden amber color with a pillowy head and contains the slightest hint of citrus and an abundance of wheat. It's kind of like that girl you hooked up with once when you were drunk and call every once in a while in case you get desperate. Bless her heart, she tries hard, but there's only so much she can do with what she's got. (C)